first marriage

I was 15 years old when I ran away from home. I remember I had to take pills to get courage to do it. I still remember what I felt. I felt butterfly’s in my belly. It's weird when I stop to look back I am able to feel all the feelings I felt in that events of my life. I show up at my first husband door, and I remember I wasn't quite sure about what I was doing. I remember I wanted to be someone’s. I wanted to be a strong kid, with courage to rebellious, but my inside/ my heart was in conflict. I can tell you now the conflict was because in deep inside of me I didn't want to. My first husband was extremely abusive, physical, and emotional. I remember one day I gave him lunch, and I touch in his shoulder, and just because of that he beat me up. He would beat me up for anything or nothing. He would beat me up if I was wearing make up. I remember he would take me to a house full of people, watching ANTRAX live concert. Every day was the same DVD, and we all was there smoking AX SMILIAR AS Marijuana. Was there a guy using other drug, and I remember he always fell asleep. I remember I told my husband that guy should work a lot because he was always sleeping. WRONG!!! Years late I find out that sleep is called heroin. My first husband had a best friend that I really hated. Oh, I hated him so much; he would do what he wanted. I remember if he decided he would take my first husband to ride motorcycles for days, and would leave me alone without know where he was. I remember the all the nights he spent in his house, and I was in window waiting for him. See in my country we live in buildings, and his building made front of my husband build, so I could see the others window. I remember the training, yep gang training. I remember they will leave in abandoned houses, to scary me of dead, just to see if I could get out. I remember ride in train not inside but outside, in high velocity, just my hands holding the train door. I felt so rejected, and so resented with that guy, that I made a decision. My decision would be seducing his best friend.... and I succeed. What becomes revenge had become following in love. Yep, I fell for the guy. I don’t remember how we were caught, what I remember was when that happen my first husband asked me to marry him, and I accepted. Why I married with him? Guilty. I remember married him but in love with the other one. I remember I hated my wending. I dint want to take pictures, I didn’t want nothing. After 6 months I left him. I was 18 years old at that time. I divorced him while I was I treatment with age of 26 years old. I didn’t see him since left until the divorce day. I remember the judge asked: Both feel the same way? Yes Ok then you is divorced now. Was quick, and cold, and I remember while I was in elevator I was feeling lost!!!!! I felt that something was taken from me. I remember I shared that in group; I was at half way house at that time. I never saw him again, until before I came to USA. Age 35, I was in train coming home and I saw him, and we spoke. he was a stranger for me. We said bye, and that’s all.