Nostalgia

Nostalgia


Since 4 days ago I have been thinking about my company. I never talk about it. I have a company who is a phone book, like yellow pages. I was supervisor in a big company of phone books.
I started my recovery at a gas station selling ice cream, and making promotions at a big supermarket. But, making promotions wants like sell, because the people go there to but anyway, so I was selling what they wanted. My position was to promote the brand, and make them to buy my brand, the one I was working for. I Promoted Dove, Tide, and Pantene. One day I was promoting toilette paper, and I SNAP. Lol, I got tired to promote, and I decided I was going to sell in my way, Ivone way. The supermarket had to replace the toilet paper 3 times, because I was selling everything, and the shells were empty. The name of the toilette brand was “SMART”, I will never forget. I got fed up, of the promotions, and I decided that was time to go sell. So I answer to a job, that I didn’t have a clue what kind of the job it was. Was a phone book. The owner of the company was crazy, lol, but after 6 months I was one of the best sells person there. Was a little office, and the supervisor was a woman who didn’t care, and she was a lier. I will talk more about this woman soon, because we had a sad history together. I felt that supervisor wasn’t taking care of our issues, because she was always busy with her men problem, and when was asked for things she would lie. I started to not trust in the system there, so I felt inside of me that was time to go. The owner made a party for me and told I should not leave because I was on of the kidneys of the company. Was too late, because emotional I had made a decision to leave. I got a phone call from other phone book, and they asked me to go work for them. I will never forget the day I met the owner. I tall fake blond woman, very well dress, and always with excellent boots. Her business partner was her lover, and he was very hook on heroin. The office was a first floor at a building, and we were just a few working there. In 1 year they bought the second, and forth floor of that building. After 1 year we were a lot of people working there. Before that, 1 year ago we were just a few people counting the coins. After 6 months we were shitting money. Our lunch breaks was to go together to ZARA store and buy clothes. I started to see people who before were taking the subway, and now they had BMW cars. Just me I was selling a month 10.000 euros, and of course I was taking 5.000 a month. I had become one of the best sells person in that company, and believe me we were a lot of people. I still remember that when I was on the phone selling that a few times my colleagues would hang up their phones just to hear me , and the was I was selling. I was very competitive, and I make myself to sell in a less of a minute. My sells never took more than 10 minutes. The owners decided to open a company in North of Portugal, and they decided to use me. Big mistake! They sent me to North to teach the new employees how to sell. They paid my hotel for 30 days, but the first week I decided to leave in my car because I was having fun at night going to clubs every night, and of course dating. Was a hard time for me because I had lost a child at that time, so I was grieving, and going wild. I believe I dated 2 guys but I didn’t like the sex, so I had to let them go, lol. Anyway, I was tired, of all that teaching, and I realized that they were using me, and not promoting me. I was doing the job of the supervisors. I got fed up, and I left. At that time the company was changing, and a lot of people were doing cocaine, and had become a mess, so a lot of us left, and went to other company. That was a big mistake I did. I went to work to that woman I said that I would talk about her again in this blog. That company was a mess; she was having sex with the boss at the office restroom. All her family was there working, was a complete mess. I had a client, a doctor, which I would call him, and I would sell him 10.000 euros advertising. That means I would work half a day a month, lol. The rest of the days would be to do whatever I wanted. Like me were a few, so we would make decisions, like leaving the office at work time and go to hair style, buy clothes, or even go home. What’s next? Next is that once again I was chosen to go again to North and teach new employees. Those owners had decided to open a new company in North of Portugal, exactly like the other bosses I had did. Those new bosses decided that I was the best one to go. So here I go again to North of Portugal. This time they gave me a car, and I was going to live in a Hotel. I lived in a hotel for 3 months, with a car, and gas paid, lol.
Then they decided to make me supervisor and that meant to go back to Lisbon. Was like a knife in my back. I dint want to be supervisor, and go back to Lisbon. I remember I told to my boyfriend at the time” Lisbon will eat us alive”. North is country, Lisbon is city. He didn’t believe me because he was a country boy going to Lisbon, city for the first time. I arrived and the nightmare started. Here I was again with that woman and all her gipsy family, and with all their fights, and drug use, lies. They were from the hood, they were amazing horrible people. The things didn’t go well, and I was threat by them several times. I had this stupid idea that was time to open my own company. 6 of us (colleagues) went to open companies. I was the only one who failed lol. I fired my business partner and everyone who was working for me. I got sick and tired of the phone book, and at the end I sold the clients to other company. I didn't close the company and that was stupid because the taxes they count taxes every year. I spent 2 years in depression and then from new rich I had become poor again, lol, lol. I don’t know why I talking about this today, lol, I started talking about this 4 days ago. I caught myself telling a client: if you want to get rich in 1 year go work at yellow pages, because you are going to sell something that is already sold. Its true, phone books are the daily basis of people. Everyone needs it to get any kind of information. Did you ever wonder why sometimes you have a phone book at your door for free? How come a big book is giving it away for free to millions of people? Has to! The money of adverting is higher than make the book.
Just to put a company in bold in a phone book will cost you almost $500, just the little bold. Now image the big ones advertising.
I was good on that until I open my own company. I am a person who questions herself a lot. I even suspicious with myself. Let me explain. Yesterday I start to talk about the phone book. Is not normal at all, because I never talk about it, so why I was talking??? Right way I got suspicious with myself. Simple, I am not feeling I am a good counselor, so my conscience made me the favor to remind me that I was one of the best sells people in my country. That’s why I never paid a travel because I would get always the first place as the best sells person in companies. Who gets the first place gets a free travel. I Went to Spain, London, Paris, Greece, turkey, and I almost went to Germany. The only reason I didn’t go to Germany was because one of my colleagues had her supervisor selling for her at same time, so that means I was compete with 2 people, not with 1 like it should. At the end I told they: I am still the best, because was necessary 2 of you to get me. Lol
I think I got this conscience from one of my counselors.
I remember I was having one on one, and I kept talking bad things about me, and he got tired to hear that for 6 months, so one day he said: stop right now. I want you to tell me what you are good on. I whisper “sells”
So maybe that’s why when I am down, I go back in order to remind that I am good in something, and I will good as a counselor. I just need to adjusted and learn.
I still don’t understand what went wrong. They talk about boundaries, and I still don’t have a clue how to do that, how to act on that.
I also believe that the reason I am talking about this is because before I had a life. Feels like it. Before I had money and I would go everywhere. I would be with my friends at night, go out with them. Now I don’t go anywhere because I don’t know where to go, and my husband is old and just goes to NA stuff. Yeah, I am having nostalgia. Be with my friends, going to the coffee at night, having an active sexual life. I think that my marriage is what makes me feel stuck. I still go sleep at night dreaming to meet the guy who is going to rescue me from my misery. But the people I met are so f. sick I don’t have a life my friends, sad but true! I keep finding these addictions to play like eBay, or searching for a way to buy sperm and have a baby. Searching a way to have a baby.
I feel alone, and fat. That’s why I eat so much. I keep saying to myself that I need to live in present, but sometimes I have to go back in my past in order to see that I am strong and I already reach a lot of goals in my life.
Well that’s all.

The vision

The vision


a) Step 1, took care of the first one.
The first one is always the one who has more power. That one was the status power, so for therefore should be the first one to take care of.

b) step 2 , took care of the second one
The second one is always the one who has presence power. That one is liked, but also as a leader profile, so therefore has power in both ways, and that is why was also took care.
c) step 3, the rest. The rest lays back, doesn’t really care, so therefore is nothing to take care
Now the vision:

1 - the room on the left

2 - will be them

3 - them / they will go insane

When the vision becomes real?

1 - the room on the left = now

2 - 1 month

3 - 2 months

The set up

After what happen last week, this week isn’t been easy for me. I am feeling complete lost, like if it was my first week at work in this field. I am working very insecure, and with low self esteem, and my groups whom once up on time were from my heart, have become shit. Until last week I would go to the board with confidence and I would start a group, and would be a very good group. Now, I am block, don’t know what to say. I am not free anymore. I usually I speak from my hear and mind, but now I think about what to say and how to say, and doesn’t make me sense like that. I have two or three clients who are not respecting me like before. Of course they are her clients. Today one of the clients came to me at 4.50pm to sign activity sheets. I told her that I would sign tomorrow early in the morning. The client went to my QCC and decided to complain about me to him that I didn’t sign!!! What???? Yep, and my QCC asked me in front of the client why I didn’t sign. What???? The activity sheets should be given at 2pm, not 4.50pm. This is not like they want. I am been telling that my cottage just found a way to run. I see that is the clients that are running the cottage, but staff thinks that they are running. Yesterday one of the clients was caught with contraband in her bra when she came from her pass. Today one of the clients went on JSO and lost 2 vans. Where she went???? Why she lost the 2 vans??? It’s a group of clients looking at us as a joke, and all the changes made is a joke. They tall about it in a clear open space. Do I have the help notes for bad raping? NO, of course not.
In other day at the morning meeting they are talking bad about the supervisor, in open space, without any concern about who they were talking about. They said: well, today he says one thing, tomorrow he says another, but let’s pray that he comes in a good mood to sign our phases. What???? What???? Today one of the clients disappeared for 1 hour, and then she came out of her room, and I asked her: where were you? She said that she was sleeping at her room. I asked to the clients: no one realized that she wasn’t here??? Their answer was. NO, and some of them said: I saw her in her room sleeping, but I thought she had permission. What????They are keeping a lot of contracts with each others. When I walk in everyday, I can see the protection, the unity; I can see “OUR WAY, NOT YOUR WAY.
Before was a cottage holding each other accountable. Today they are running. But who I am at this time to say something?
What I see:
I see that they are angry about the changes (phases). They feel threat because of that. They know their behavior is what is going to decide if they change phase or not, SO, they are coming together protecting each other. They are coming together as criminals (gang), and not as family. They are playing, but if I say something everyone is going to think that I am crazy, so let’s wait and see if I am crazy. They saw staff with open doors…resentments against each other, so now we are their entertaining. They are keeping staff worrying about staff, and they are winning. Once staff is worry about staff they know that staff will not have time to worry about what is going on with them. Simple as it is.
For example: Sunday when I went to work, I had a lot of papers on my desk. Was weird, because those papers were in main office in my box, and I was wondering how they showed up in my desk. So I figure that maybe was something to sign, so I went through the papers to see. Then in the middle of the papers were there 2 pictures of an ex client of mine!!!!!!!!!!! I asked: who put these pictures in my desk??? The answer was: “I don’t know! Maybe was miss DuPont because that client goes to after care in nexus and miss DuPont works there in the morning.” this was exactly their answer. My QCC told me that I need to let go this situation about the pictures, and I worry too much, and I am very emotional. What???? Kidding me???? Right??? So, I have in my desk 2 pictures of an ex client of mine and I just forget it???? When I reported the situation no one took me serious. Cannot be serious, but come one, come on, can be very serious, because can be a set up.
NO, I am not to forget that! I am investigating that. Next Wednesday I am going to ask Miss DuPont if was her who put the pictures in my desk. If was her, I will consider that very weird. Why? Simple; why she didn’t wait for me and gave me those pictures. She could say: hey, I saw your ex client and she ask me to show you that.
My answer to that would be: OK. Then I would report to my QCC, and my supervisor, and then I would destroy the pictures, and then maybe I would think “why she is accepting pictures from the clients??? Doesn’t she know that is against the law???
NOW, second example: let’s suppose that I ask Wednesday to DuPont about the pictures and she says: NO! Wasn’t me!
OK then, what I should think next???? The obvious!!! A client had access to my office because the scout desk was side by side of the staff restroom and decided to set me up.
See the law says: WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING, ANYTHING FROM THE CLIENTS! So now, can someone explain to me how the 2 pictures end up on my desk???
The clients are aware of that because I remember that I told them often: I am sorry but I cannot accept what you did for me in Sts because is against the law. I also I remember that often I told them: do not write me notes of any kind. That is against the law and can be considerate as sex games.
So I don’t know what to think, BUT, I AM GOING TO FIND OUT! OH, YES I AM.
My QCC said: let go. My answer was: I don’t want to loose my job Sr. so I need to find out why those pictures were on my desk.
So let’s see Wednesday, but let me tell you something…. If were the clients, I promise I will clap to them and I will take my hat to them, because if were they, this was just fucking brilliant. If were them this was a brilliant criminal behavior. Why? Simple; first they degraded my image; once my image is not valid anymore they place the pictures because they know who is going to take me serious now?
Lets wait and see.
by the way, maybe this seams stupid and childish but I miss my mentor terrible. Today i had the opportunite to see him for 2 minutes, and I knew that he was important in my life, but after that 2 minutes I walk out to go to the cottage again and I was thinking: no matter what is going to happen, you was the best and the only good thing happen to me in this country, and I will never ever will forget you. Thank you for everything.

second part / treatment

06/11/98


I spent the day feeling bad because step 1, and because I don’t speak with Peter yet. It is uncomfortable to be in same space as him. I am resentful and angry with myself because I fed the disease. I am feeling guilty because my step 1. Also the therapeutic movie I saw today made me feel like garbage. I asked for help to two of my sisters. At night I had a break down and I started to cry. They tell me that is ok to feel what I am feeling. I am feeling very small, and I am not seen anything good in me. I still have the tendency to isolate from others.


06/12/98


I spoke with counselor Fernando. I was desperate to talk about me. My relationship with Celine got better. It’s necessary, because we both need each other. I felt rejected in morning group. I asked for help to Orlando and he explains that the group functions like that. Today I didn’t feel bad to be away of Peter. We are still away of each other.
I don’t feel self acceptance, and self esteem. The acceptance is the base of recovery. At the NA meeting I was anxious, so I share in the beginning of the meeting. I suggest the topic at the meeting and was accepted. I shared about acceptance and the identifications from others helped me a lot. One of my peers told me that I was an addict to meetings, but he couldn’t make me feel bad.


Comment 08/27/08 dam, how many days I spent with this Peter thing!!!! Wasting time in treatment. Asking for attention.



06/13/98


We had to draw something and was very cool what I did. I was able to face my shame. At the beginning I felt shame. Was a personalized work and I was proud of what I did. I was able to face my shame with one of the counselors. I was ashamed because I knew him form the NA meetings. At the NA meeting in liked what the guy shared. He said that he was greatful for Na, and I can relate with that too. I am greatfull to NA because was through NA I found my treatment center. I wanted to wash clothes but the hitter didn’t work, so I stood there for 1h30m trying to decided if I would call the counselor on duty and let him know. I was ashamed to ask him, and that’s why took me 1h30m.
At the second part of step 1 I started feeling like dieing from inside. That happen when I wrote about my mother. I went to call and I told her that I was sorry, for what I did to her. She told me what matters is the present.

I will figure this out sooner or later

I will figure this out sooner or later

What happened?

Today I saw her looking at me. She saw me going to my office and she went after me and she closed the door and she said: “I just want to let you know that I don’t have a problem with you. Was our supervisor who told me to do what I did, because one of your clients came to me to complain about you?”
OK, just took me by surprise, but what I heard was:
a) Was our supervisor fault
b) Was one of your clients

What I understood:
a) You are trying to get ride of your guilty and you are trying to put it on the supervisor
b) You are trying to make my caseload an escape goat - you are lying

I asked her: so who was the client who complains about me?
She answered: I am not comfortable to say it. I promised her I will not tell you.
a) The reason she didn’t tell me is because wasn’t someone from my caseload, because she just wanted an excuse.
I remember the last client who left would come to me and tell me:
“She called at her office and she asked me how you was as a counselor, and what you did during the day”
She kept going through my discharge summary and corrects the English, and I thought she was helping me.
I was a fool, because if this was happening why I didn’t pay attention???? Why I minimized that she was calling my clients and asking questions about me???? Why I didn’t see this coming???? Why I ignored it???
I told her: I believe you are lying, and you didn’t have anyone from my caseload.
She answers: I really don’t care what you think; I just know that you have a problem, and you are not ok.
I reply: hey, you are not my counselor, don’t come with NA conversation or try to counseling me. What I am telling is what happened was the clients were mad because lock search, and smoke ban, and they tried to split staff and they succeeded through you. What happened here was way out of control.
Her answer: Were 16 clients that must tell you something.
My answer: yes, tells me that one of your clients was telling them: write a complain about miss vale, go, go write. The ones who refused were called scare ass, chicken, and bitch.
By the way that client who was the instigator is again on status team, because she almost demanded on staff meeting. She succeeded again.
That almost demanding made me realized that she owns that client something. Like a loyalty pact. Both together were the instigators against me.
She said: clients complain that what they tell you in individual session in confidentiality who make them tell that to the group.
My answer: that was what I learned in treatment” go and share that with your group, and ask for help”, and I also don’t keep contracts with clients.
Then she said: are you trying to tell that our supervisor act wrong?
I answer: DO NOT MANIPULATE ME! Isn’t that I am saying. What I am saying is he told that you were talking about 1 client, and then when he came he had 15 on his door.
I found out the client who was the instigator went around the clients and said: do you remember that day that miss vale told you that? She picked up on peace there, and here, and put everything together.
Then she said: why you think the clients were checking Monday while talking to you?
My answer was: because they told me that they were told to write papers on me. They were feeling guilty, and shame.
Retaliation the word they are using; retaliation must mean when I don’t let them to do what they want to.
The clients normally say: you can do whatever you want; you even don’t have to speak, because miss vale will find out the true about you and she will tell you on your face.
So is that what they mean?
Sometimes I am in bad mood; sometimes I am not, bringing my problems to work;
Are they talking about the days I was full of work and they kept asking me a question every 5 seconds? Absconds after absconds? Single staff???? Am I not human???
I answer to her: I know I have defects and I have an anger problem. I know I am not perfect, but I am not going to allow you to break my self esteem, because I know I am a good counselor.
She kept saying that I wasn’t, she tried to break my self esteem.
She said that she had reported to the probation officer about all of this.
Why????

a) She is a basic counselor, what I call a "counselor NA sponsor". She already figure out that I have more wisdom than her

b) She knows that I will open my mouth if I see something wrong

c) She believes that Carr left and I was the responsible

d) She wanted that pipps stayed with her in her office, and then she found out that he wanted to be in my office

e) Her clients will come to me asking me for help. She got mad when she found out that

f) She says that the director is my friend

Did she forget when she circle them and told them that they were a mess, and the other cottage was not?
Did she forget that she is calling names to one of my clients?
Did the clients forgot that they told me that she never has time for them, and her groups is all about taking appointments, that she doesn’t teach them anything??

I told her: I don’t want power or run in here. I even don’t belong to this country. My only ambition is learning, and be more certified.

Now: why Carr was there again today during staff meeting?
Why she had brought him food?
Why he came back again at 5pm. I bet he came back again after I left to talk about me.
She is so stupid that she doesn’t realize that he is the one doing all of this, because he wants to create chaos between staff because he got resentment.
She doesn’t understand that once he creates the chaos he will call White to tell him that the new directors don’t have control on their staff. Is what he wants, revenge! He also wants to revenge against me.
I asked her: so tell me, why me? Why you dint complain when you saw Carr not doing individual session (neglect) and when he asked the clients to go on their knees raise their hands and ask for a cigarette? You were aware of that because we spoke about it, and when they were on their knees you was present. So why you dint complain about him?
She answers: because clients didn’t complain. They just complain about you.
She is a liar. She is the kind of the person who will tell you something and then will tell she didn’t say, and she will do that without blush, without blink, in a cold blood just to not be confronted.
I told her: next time if something like that happened you have to follow the protocol. You have to go to my QCC. And meet us together. If isn’t resolved you can take other action, but never with clients.
For you accpeting one of my clients to come to you and talk about me that will be consider spliting staff and break protocol.
Wasn’t my clients. Was her client! She just wanted to break the trust between me and my caseload, and she succeeded. Now I am insecure and I live in fear. I am not feeling the free counselor anymore because I am confuse and insecure.
Are clients at this moment treating me like if I was one of them because they got the power from her. Right now I am having a hard time to get the respect back. This was so out of control that today I had to call the supervisor because they were talking bad things about him. I heard them saying laugh and clear: let’s see if wheeler comes in a good mood, to sign the phase change.
Wheeler says one thing today and another tomorrow.
I sent him an email and I said: they are trying to take the control of the cottage. They are trying to run it, now they are talking about you.
What happened, the huge split staff, made them aware that is possible, and they can succeed and one is already down, let’s move one to other staff member and break him down. Like one at time. That was the gravity of what she did. They got the power to talk about anyone from the staff, and not respect them anymore.
Is like the status team at this moment….contaminated - the senior coordinator doesn’t respect me. My QCC caught lying about me. The vice senior coordinator was the instigator and gang them on me and also called names to the ones who dint wrote about me. By the way, both are their clients.
I will figure out sooner or later why she did that. Until then I will do my work, and I will try to be a better counselor.

A letter to the slick and devious

So today I went to work and I was feeling horrible. The only thing I had on my mind was that I couldn’t breath right because the cold, nothing else nothing more. I asked to the senior coordinator how were the things in these last days, like I normal do just to be update. She couldn’t give me a straight answer, and she was looking down, not facing me. She kept avoiding the question and then she told me to ask to other client. So I called the other client, and I didn’t understand what was going on. So the client said: well, all the clients got mad because the smoke ban and they decided to complain, and then your co worker asked them to line up, and go to your office. Once in your office she asked what they feel about you, and told them to write down. Then she said that the supervisor was coming to meet us, in order for us to complain. She asked us how you act in group, how you act in individual sessions. One of the clients was the instigator, she and her counselor. The client is mad at me because I took her budge twice for breaking the rules. One of the times she went outside to smoke without staff authorization. In that day I told her that once she leaves the cottage without authorization that can be considerate abscond.
Her counselor came and gave her the badge back, and I was surprise. Then after a few days we found out that she was borrowing cigarettes, and she would follow people begging for cigarettes. I took her badge again. I went to training and she decided that was the perfect time to instigate / gang up, people on me. Why? Because some of them were mad because they were on smoke ban. She succeeds!!! With help of her counselor. I even without been there I can picture my co worker acting as a rescue ranger, with her drama queen way. Oh my God lets save the world!!! I knew it was a power issue going on with her. For some reason she wants to run something. What she wants? I know what I want, BUT I am not going to tell her and that why I am writing here.
What I want to tell her:
- Why you doing this? Do you think that will give you a supervision status? NO IT WONT, and the reason why are people like you and me will not get higher position because we are too dramatic, and our director can like us but will not want to have drama around him. So Let me tell you who will get what you want, will be those two young ladies from unit E, because they are calm and not drama queens. So stop fucking with me and leave me alone because I am not a threat to you.
- You fucking ignorant, don’t you see what you did could make me loose my license???
- You come here with all this food to manipulate everyone, acting as mommy, smiling on our face, and fucking us from behind. Do you really think I don’t see your game? But I don’t give a shit about your game, what I want is you to leave me the fucking alone.
- you are a fraud, telling you are not an addict, and then I see stuff around who tells me you went to NA world convention. You act as an addict, you fucking stupid.
- What do you want? You want to have my wisdom? Fuck go to treatment and you will have it.
- You betrayed me, and I just trust once. You get everything of me, until the day you betrayed me. Once you betrayed me, and I see you are fake, you are done with me.
- By the way, I don’t like when you tell the director that he is a mess when he is talking about himself. You are a fucking mess not him.
- You want to be the queen go ahead, you don’t have life, have you
- Just for today I hate you so much you fucking bitch
- What was the part you dint see that they were mad because I did lock search and I put them on smoke ban??? You fucking ignorant.
- you keeping doing all this overtime pretending that you care when the true is that you just think about money.
- do you know how many times they came to me telling me that you never have time for them, and you don’t help them on individual sessions? Can you picture if I would react like you did? I won’t! You fucking sick
- And yes, I have a anger problem, but wasn’t the case in this situation, they were mad because the contraband
- and yes, cottage D is keeping contracts with each others and you fucking smart cant see it. Can you see now???? If they were holding their selves accountable this would never happen????
- did you that your brilliant client called name to one of my clients when she refused to talk bad about me??? So what do you fuck think about it? Hum?
- For now one I will maintain professionalism with you. I will not trust you but I will continue to respect you. Why? Isn’t because of you, is because I own that to myself and to our director, because if was just you I wouldn’t give a shit.

Well, since I wrote this I am feeling betters. They always say that when we write what we feel that everything is going to be better. It’s funny because one of my arguments in the training I had was when I said: they are not criminals! They are just lost children. Everyone laugh on my face, and I got mad. Now I understand why. I keep having these clients who have an anti social behavior… instigate and then lay back watching the chaos. One of them left last Tuesday, and I thought was over. But now we have another one.
I had one client that her complain was because I don’t let her to do step 4 with her sponsor!!! I had people trying to make me sign blind the phase change. I realized that is what also this is about. They want to change phase, and they thought that the borrowing and leading will make them to not change phase. I saw all of them today worry about it. They couldn’t stop talking about it. What I see? At this moment I see a cottage holding contacts and making time. No one believes me, and is ok; I will wait for them to see it. I have JSO people who don’t find jobs because they know that her probation officer will let them leave without a job. 7 already left without a job, and next week another one is leaving without a job. They only problem is going to lunch together, throw in garbage the treatment food, and make phone calls to UK to boyfriends they never saw. Job? For what? I have that guy who I never saw who I am writing to who send me propriety, and I will go live with. Is a senior coordinator who doesn’t have the control of the family because fears them, and she will be what they want her to be. We have one of the status team who just gang up on of the counselors. So what is the worry??? So they still are wondering why I did lock search???? Hello!!!!!!!!
What I am going to do:
Work, work, and work. Do my best. Do what I need to do.
What I am not going to do:
I am not engage in conversations with clients anymore. I will do what they taugh me in the training. I will avoid conversations because they want to talk to take the control over me. They want to know my weakness in order to manipulate. Like my mentor on day said: we need to be one step ahead of them.
What I am going to do with my co worker:
Nothing! I will be professional. I will stick with my new QCC because I already realized he has something to teach.
I just can’t realize what I am doing wrong to have my co workers feel so free to gang on me. Why is so easy from them? I am doing something wrong. Maybe I am being so nice to them. Maybe I talk too much about me. I don’t know. People say they feel jealousies about me.
What is weird on that day the other co worker who left the cottage was there with her in that day. hum!!!!!!!

proposal

Proposal

I am writing because when I speak doesn’t come out right, because my self esteem.
I would like to do house ban intervention. Let me explain. I would like to be the one who goes to a unit or cottage for 1 week to intervene, and recovery a house ban.
I woke up at 2.30am of this morning thinking about it (maybe was because the ginseng, lol).
Plan:
1 -The first day would be to create a trust relationship between clients.
a) I would put together the ones, who don’t connect with each other, and I would take them to their routes, childhood routes, and at the end I would proof them that they are not so different like the thought they would.
a) Using our method at afternoon I could do CD Education. Explaining them about addiction, and addictive personality, and open the floor for questions. I would put them participating and discovering. I would start motivation therapy, and made them feel productive members.
2 – Second day, I would sit in the circle with them and they would spend the morning doing grieve letters, and processing them. Would be a morning about grieve, and they would be working all morning by writing their grieve letters
a) At afternoon they would go through the orientation packet

3 – Third day, we would go through behavior modification. How? Simple; through childhood they would become aware why they behave like they do. For example:
a) If they parents were drug addicts, that means the clients had become survivors. They learned form young age to take care of themselves, so now they have the I DON’T CARE, WHO ARE YOU? Behavior
b) Because they were lost child they had growing up with the need to belong to somewhere, or something = gangs
c) Because they were so poor, they had become drug dealers because they were ashamed of their poor childhood.
d) would be ask to some of them who are the ones who keep coming back here, or jail, and would be explain that for some reason (childhood) we counselors and guards had become the parents they never had. They would understand that they do that without having a conscience that they made us the parents.
e) I would do relapse prevention, and once again I would open the floor for questions, and have them to participate (building them up)
At afternoon go through orientation packet
4 – Fourth day
a) Identify shame
b) Identify codependency
c) Doing written assignments, and having them processing through http://www.coping.org/growth/content.htm
At afternoon orientation packet, questions, answers and solutions

5 – Fifth day
a) Anger management resolution – I think, I feel, I react
b) Written exercises on “what I want be when I grow up?”
What I want to do with my life?
What dreams do I have?
b) family group ( issue, solution) commitment to their behavior in treatment
d)orientation packet, job duties, responsibilities
NOW…. Building them back. How? Simple, have them to do what that population do best … organize a dance presentation to you and Chris. The afternoon of the 5th day would be to make auditions, and choose the music.
6 – sixth day – morning group, about: how I am feeling now? What I learned?
b) Dance training
7 – Seventh day – a) plan of action
b) Dance training
8 – Eighth day – presentation to staff: dance, and what I learned, what I compromise to do, plan of action

OK. What I would like to do is house ban intervention; make them come together as a family. During that week I would be working at the cottage D also. I would clock in at 6.30am and be at cottage D until 9.00am and then clock out at 5pm and come back to the cottage to work 1 hour for free with them.
Doing intervention means sit with them during that time and work with them. Being present!
Even if a week is not acceptable, I can do it on my days off for free. I believe that I can make a difference, and I just need one shot to proof is will work or not.
Let me know ,lol

is just an ideia

when the gang men starts and the children ends

I want to write about something I experinced today, and down bellow I am posting a video where shows where I am coming from; the street I used drugs and where I lived when I was using. this video is in Lisbon is one of the famous drug Neighborhoods. Today I remind that place again.
So today we were call to go help on one of our units. When I arrived there, I saw all that guys sit down like they wanted to. I couldn’t see any humility on none of them. I couldn’t see some hope on them. What I saw was that I was surronder by gang members. I felt scare at the beginning. The way they looked, they way they walked, they way they talked, the way they were sitting. I saw a gang unit, no more no less. I wonder how come the other counselors didn’t see that coming??? Here I go again on this, and I always fight for what I believe, and what I believe is if they were more around them they would have the opportunity to realize who is having complicities with whom. One of the things I do when I get clients who were gang members is forbidden them to walk the way they do. I Taught them a new way to talk, and walk. When I see pride, I try to make them become vulnerable. But this is just my opinion. So while I was there and I saw all of them with pride, I tried to figure out how I could help to bring them down. How could make them to become more vulnerable. While I was driving I had an idea which came from my mentor a few months ago, and would be perfect to apply to that unit right now. I think they should call home and make their family to send them pics.
Pics from when they were children, and also pics from their own children. I would make them wear it around their neck. Why? Simple; because they look at each other as gang members, and I want them to start to look at each other as lost children. don’t see the gang member but see the child on them. Yes, they were children before, and they need to remember it again. For them will be shameful to wear they own child face around their neck, and that is exactly the point, make them to bring the child, because now, they are just trying to proof they are MEN, tuff men. At the end who are they? Lost children, just that, lost children.
I hope I made sense.