Everything was going just fine until last monday.
I was home ready to sleep and I though about going to facebook webpage. Once there I got an email saying that my mothers house was burning out.
I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I went over there and I got in touch with a very sad picture. The cat was dead. The house was burn and she was ok like if it didn't matter.
She was not in touch with reality and I have doubts if she already is.
I didn't tear apart. Until today I didn't !
Is like I...
Is just wierd how easy I didn't get emotional.
So here I am dealing with this and I DON'T WANT IT!
I just want to run and hide and be very far away.
I keep looking at my mother and have contradictions feelings.
I guess that's why I didn't tear appart or even didn't allow myself to have to.
I look at her and sometimes I feel sorry for her.
Other times I look and a question " how you dare have made me your mother since my young age? "
I wonder when this is going to end and I wonder if I am going to be free ...one day
Isn't fair. But as someone told me " life isn't fair"
But I am so fucking tired of this fair thing!
Were moments that I questioned God!
Hell yeah, why shouldn't I question Him!
Were meoments - may mean guilty of some kind of ofense towards GOD!
Today. I am writing this because I am angry and deeply sad.
I am also scared!
Don't know exactly how to handle with this situation and having my neighbors trying to take her out of there.
I am also scared for my mother.
My head is blowing up.
My boyfriend is working by my side and as handle with this with me, but I am ressenting him and all the world.
You may want to call it self pity. I call it bad luck and hard life.
segunda-feira, 15 de março de 2010
sexta-feira, 5 de março de 2010
its the silence gold?
Is the silence gold?
I rember one day I walked into my ex directo office and I said " why I fight so much for what I believe? Why I just don't shut up?"
I was trying to remember his answer but I don't!
I do remember that we went through this subject and I was feeling bad about it.
I was having some kind of the problems at work because I couldn't shut up and I would fight for what I believed. At the end people would look at me as if I was crazy and I was left alone.
So didn't work very well ivones fight!
For some reason I am quite now. I don't fight like before and I shut up when I see no point going through all this process.
Its is that good?
Am I avoiding something?
Or finnaly I am letting go when I see bull shit?
Not sure about it!
What I know is when I decided to shut up I transfer my energies to something else.
See, I don't like anymore that side of me who would tell people how smart I was and how clear I was, and I was on their game so they couldn't decived me!
Yeah, was a waste of time and would appear arrogant and at same time naive!
The true was, if I was so smart why the hell I would go through all that fight and try to proove something?
I guess I don't need that as much as a did before!
I am like I am, and I have my own oppinions and people around me don't need to be like me or think like me.
That also makes me unique since is no one like me. So its good to have our own way of thought.
This change also gets me to a place that I am become less impulsive.
So like one ex collegue I had would say " its all good" :)
I rember one day I walked into my ex directo office and I said " why I fight so much for what I believe? Why I just don't shut up?"
I was trying to remember his answer but I don't!
I do remember that we went through this subject and I was feeling bad about it.
I was having some kind of the problems at work because I couldn't shut up and I would fight for what I believed. At the end people would look at me as if I was crazy and I was left alone.
So didn't work very well ivones fight!
For some reason I am quite now. I don't fight like before and I shut up when I see no point going through all this process.
Its is that good?
Am I avoiding something?
Or finnaly I am letting go when I see bull shit?
Not sure about it!
What I know is when I decided to shut up I transfer my energies to something else.
See, I don't like anymore that side of me who would tell people how smart I was and how clear I was, and I was on their game so they couldn't decived me!
Yeah, was a waste of time and would appear arrogant and at same time naive!
The true was, if I was so smart why the hell I would go through all that fight and try to proove something?
I guess I don't need that as much as a did before!
I am like I am, and I have my own oppinions and people around me don't need to be like me or think like me.
That also makes me unique since is no one like me. So its good to have our own way of thought.
This change also gets me to a place that I am become less impulsive.
So like one ex collegue I had would say " its all good" :)
reservations why that happen?
Seams like I am full back to writing stuff!
Today I was waiting for the train to go home and I start to think about reservations.
What they are?
What they are use for?
Are they some of mechanism of defense?
I guess they are too.
Are too because it can be use in two ways.
Reservations is always what you don't say. What you don't share. Those are little secrets that you keep in your head.
I also call it a backup plan.
Reservations its human!
Reservations are use to avoid pain and normally works like this " if this doesn't work I will..." " Maybe if... I will get better luck"
Reservations and denial are smiliar or maybe the same, its up to you how you look it.
People can get caught on their own reservations if they don't share it.
Can bring confuse.
See reservations happen when you don't totally believe in something.
As an example I have recovery and relationships.
Let's start with recovery:
" If the things don't go like a I want, I may end up going back and use"
" Well I am telling to the counselors what they want to hear but then will be my way"
Why this happen?
Huh... People are too scare of change. Until then their way was everything they knew, so can you imagine if you want to take from them everything they have ?
Can you imagine how they feel and how they will react?
If you are telling someone to do a new way that means you are taking out the old way and that means grieve :) pain
Reservations will allow them to get more time to get use to your new suggestions. They will try it very slow and that as a name - recovery is a slow process. Right?
Right.
Relationships:
What people fear most?
Rejection/ abandon
I don't believe that when you start a relationship you give yourself complete!
How many times do you say " well let's see how this will work out"
How many times you do "sex games" with other people or little cracks of seduction?
Those are reservations!
So reservations at the end its just insecurity!
Its just a way that makes you believe that you are in control of any situation.
Unreal but a fact.
Done :)
Today I was waiting for the train to go home and I start to think about reservations.
What they are?
What they are use for?
Are they some of mechanism of defense?
I guess they are too.
Are too because it can be use in two ways.
Reservations is always what you don't say. What you don't share. Those are little secrets that you keep in your head.
I also call it a backup plan.
Reservations its human!
Reservations are use to avoid pain and normally works like this " if this doesn't work I will..." " Maybe if... I will get better luck"
Reservations and denial are smiliar or maybe the same, its up to you how you look it.
People can get caught on their own reservations if they don't share it.
Can bring confuse.
See reservations happen when you don't totally believe in something.
As an example I have recovery and relationships.
Let's start with recovery:
" If the things don't go like a I want, I may end up going back and use"
" Well I am telling to the counselors what they want to hear but then will be my way"
Why this happen?
Huh... People are too scare of change. Until then their way was everything they knew, so can you imagine if you want to take from them everything they have ?
Can you imagine how they feel and how they will react?
If you are telling someone to do a new way that means you are taking out the old way and that means grieve :) pain
Reservations will allow them to get more time to get use to your new suggestions. They will try it very slow and that as a name - recovery is a slow process. Right?
Right.
Relationships:
What people fear most?
Rejection/ abandon
I don't believe that when you start a relationship you give yourself complete!
How many times do you say " well let's see how this will work out"
How many times you do "sex games" with other people or little cracks of seduction?
Those are reservations!
So reservations at the end its just insecurity!
Its just a way that makes you believe that you are in control of any situation.
Unreal but a fact.
Done :)
therapy??? huh
This country isn't ready for therapy. My culture is latin so therefor latins think they will solve problems inside of the family and no need for therapy. The concept of therapy is none! But what I want to talk about is therapy sabotage.
People come to therapy when they are very unstable. Emotinal break down. Therapy as this magic of resolution. Short term resolution. People get a little relieve and that take them to think they are OK and already pass.
They don't undertstand the only thing they had was a temporary relieve and they need to do work and keep working on their selves.
People feel they are in control again so they don't follow the therapist suggestions. Us as counselors keep seen those people caming back to the same feelings.
The answer was told them in their first therapy but they keep waiting and going through short cuts.
They avoid pain.
Also they avoid pain through share.
Are lots of peolpe that believe if they share the same subject with their therapist then with sponsor then with 10 friends then at the meetings that everything will be all right!
Mistake!
They are just getting relieve to the problem and not solving the problem.
The problem will ketch up with them soon again.
They have been spending years in the path doing the same over and over again.
They are uncapable to realize that isn't working anymore and they may need something else.
They keep beleving that NA/ AA is enough and they don't realize that their problem goes beyond addiction.
Addiction isn't the problem anymore!
Its you!
People come to therapy when they are very unstable. Emotinal break down. Therapy as this magic of resolution. Short term resolution. People get a little relieve and that take them to think they are OK and already pass.
They don't undertstand the only thing they had was a temporary relieve and they need to do work and keep working on their selves.
People feel they are in control again so they don't follow the therapist suggestions. Us as counselors keep seen those people caming back to the same feelings.
The answer was told them in their first therapy but they keep waiting and going through short cuts.
They avoid pain.
Also they avoid pain through share.
Are lots of peolpe that believe if they share the same subject with their therapist then with sponsor then with 10 friends then at the meetings that everything will be all right!
Mistake!
They are just getting relieve to the problem and not solving the problem.
The problem will ketch up with them soon again.
They have been spending years in the path doing the same over and over again.
They are uncapable to realize that isn't working anymore and they may need something else.
They keep beleving that NA/ AA is enough and they don't realize that their problem goes beyond addiction.
Addiction isn't the problem anymore!
Its you!
quinta-feira, 4 de março de 2010
does a bad relationship stops you to fall in love again?
Does a bad relationship stops you to fall in love again?
Nahhh
This is what I believe - doesn't exist bad relationships.
Is always a reason for you to be with that person. If you are not too focus on your ego or emotional vampire status you will understand why that happen to you.
But, you won't understand right way! You will understand!
Sometimes people cross our path to teach us something or because we become important to them at that moment of their lifes.
You need to relax when you are in a relationship and don't make that relationship the focus of your life and who you are.
People keep change their nature because relationships and then they become alone In THE RELATIONSHIP.
If your partner has a bad behavior or even an addiction will be fair that you make him or she aware about your feelings and how much that is hurting you. After that if he or she keep acting out on that behavior that tells you that its time to go.
For years that I hear people saying " he may change" , I won't leave because my children " he/ she may work out through therapy.
Ego and fear...
Let it go
Move on
Set yourself free
You are living in you own prison of your ego.
More you live through ego, more pain you will have.
Talking about myself I have my moments too.
My ego its alive, I wish it wasn't.
I have those times of crazy in love. Those that I hear my brain " the love of my life" lol
Those are just moments. Quick I get in touch with reality. Lol
When you want to change someone ask yourself fisrt:
- did I changed?
- if yes, how many years that I took to change it?
- was that simple as I am telling you?
Ask those questions to yourself
Done :)
Nahhh
This is what I believe - doesn't exist bad relationships.
Is always a reason for you to be with that person. If you are not too focus on your ego or emotional vampire status you will understand why that happen to you.
But, you won't understand right way! You will understand!
Sometimes people cross our path to teach us something or because we become important to them at that moment of their lifes.
You need to relax when you are in a relationship and don't make that relationship the focus of your life and who you are.
People keep change their nature because relationships and then they become alone In THE RELATIONSHIP.
If your partner has a bad behavior or even an addiction will be fair that you make him or she aware about your feelings and how much that is hurting you. After that if he or she keep acting out on that behavior that tells you that its time to go.
For years that I hear people saying " he may change" , I won't leave because my children " he/ she may work out through therapy.
Ego and fear...
Let it go
Move on
Set yourself free
You are living in you own prison of your ego.
More you live through ego, more pain you will have.
Talking about myself I have my moments too.
My ego its alive, I wish it wasn't.
I have those times of crazy in love. Those that I hear my brain " the love of my life" lol
Those are just moments. Quick I get in touch with reality. Lol
When you want to change someone ask yourself fisrt:
- did I changed?
- if yes, how many years that I took to change it?
- was that simple as I am telling you?
Ask those questions to yourself
Done :)
mistakes between addicts in a relationship
Mistakes between adicts in a relationship
I believe all of us already went through this and did those mistakes. My experience as an addict through the years taugh a lesson that I would like ti share with u guys.
Meetings together ... If u have a mature relationship so I will tell u why not. But if your relationship is new u may don't want to take your boyfriend to a meeting with u. Is private! Its time that you have for yourslef. Its your time, not us time!
Why is so missunderstandings when this happen?
Well, egomaniac stuff gets into between!
One of them wants to show the other how many friends she or he has, how popular she or he is, how good they share, bla, bla,bla, etc
BS ... A bunch!
Then other mistake and here is the ego again is when they insist to show each other how to live the program. So isntead of they have their girlfriend or boyfriend they get sponsors. And here they are wasting their time teach the program to each other.
This is just a replic of what their parents did to them " u have too" u must too", "you should"
They keep that cycle without knowlegde that they are drawing their relationship in " U HAVE TOO"
Control will demage a relationship very fast. You start to feel tired and sad.
Of course we may want to know that is a big chance that addicts are the perfect emotional. Vampires.
Why emotional vampires? Simple, because ego is always there. The things need to run like they want and they rule and run.
Ego is equal to being insecure.
So if you are an addic and you are in a relationship with one, give him or she a break and let the things flow.
Your time isn't their time.
You are one and not the same!
Keep it cool!
I believe all of us already went through this and did those mistakes. My experience as an addict through the years taugh a lesson that I would like ti share with u guys.
Meetings together ... If u have a mature relationship so I will tell u why not. But if your relationship is new u may don't want to take your boyfriend to a meeting with u. Is private! Its time that you have for yourslef. Its your time, not us time!
Why is so missunderstandings when this happen?
Well, egomaniac stuff gets into between!
One of them wants to show the other how many friends she or he has, how popular she or he is, how good they share, bla, bla,bla, etc
BS ... A bunch!
Then other mistake and here is the ego again is when they insist to show each other how to live the program. So isntead of they have their girlfriend or boyfriend they get sponsors. And here they are wasting their time teach the program to each other.
This is just a replic of what their parents did to them " u have too" u must too", "you should"
They keep that cycle without knowlegde that they are drawing their relationship in " U HAVE TOO"
Control will demage a relationship very fast. You start to feel tired and sad.
Of course we may want to know that is a big chance that addicts are the perfect emotional. Vampires.
Why emotional vampires? Simple, because ego is always there. The things need to run like they want and they rule and run.
Ego is equal to being insecure.
So if you are an addic and you are in a relationship with one, give him or she a break and let the things flow.
Your time isn't their time.
You are one and not the same!
Keep it cool!
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