Honesty

Honesty
Well, well, well, well
The thing that mores amazing me is counselors who lie to counselors! Is so amazing stupid but happens and I see that all the time.
So in other day we had a counselor who called saying that her tire was flat. Then she called back saying that she couldn’t start the car. LOL IMAO
Ridiculous… why they just don’t fuck say they don’t wan to come to work?
Anyway, my new reality with a new counselor on the unit………
Let me go back to the past before……..
I came to work on this unit and I thought I was in heaven. Everything was smooth and was going good.
I worked with a lady, who was very professional, quite, she never spoke much, or even engage on conversations with me, BUT, the way she acted, the way the conduct the unit made her a role model to me. un fortunely she left after awhile.
Then I started to work with this new guy. He is a new CI. When I look at him I say my mentor on him…. Lay back, don’t get involved in drama, takes everything easy, easy going, smooth.
I work well when I have people around me that are different of me. I need positive people to make me going.
He changed shift, because they switch a counselor from other unit to here.
Oh Godddddddddddddddd…my good days are over!
Her questions:
- why they are on house ban???? Why they do that to people???? How much longer they are going to that???? Isn’t fair!!! I do t agree!
- How long they are going to be on focus???? This isn’t going to help them!!!! I am going to end this focus!!!!
- My clients have changed so much since last week!!! They are doing much better!!!!
- Why the choir again??? They are setting them up for failuer!!!
- They don’t know what they are doing; some of the clients shouldn’t be here!!!
- This is not good…
- I don’t agree with this or that…
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck
I may be paying for my past or something. What the fuckkkkkkkkk
Stop fucking with me! Stop been negative! Stop talking to me!
I told my supervisor: “here what I decided to do; I am going to run from her”
And I am been doing that. I work with someone that I run all the time. When I see her coming in my direction, I run to other direction.
She gets me tired!
The other day she said: I am going to call Mr. Wilmut because I believe the clients they have the right to go on pass.
I told her that clients don’t go on pass when they are on focus.
She kept going trying to get my approval witch she isn’t going to get it.
Next she told that she was going to call the director to ask them to go on pass.
I had to tell her that she may want to call first the continue care supervisor, and if she doesn’t answer call the supervisor, and just in last case she would call the director. I even told her “maybe you should leave that to the treatment team decide on Wednesday”
She just ignores and she called the supervisor, and came to group and said” you are out of the focus now! We cannot go on pass but you are out of focus”
THE SAVIOR! THE UNIT E SAVIOR!
She didn’t call to the continue care supervisor because she has a problem with her.
I am been watching her and she doesn’t like her. I believe she wants her place.
See, they had become LCDC at the same time so this one didn’t accept the other one had become a supervisor.
I already saw her questioning the supervisor work, and today, today……….
The other slick and devious form the cottage likes to set up traps on the counselors, to make them look bad in order for her to look good.
So today she told to this counselor that she should give them an extra smoke break.
That one from the cottage already did that to the new counselor.
Was 1 pm when the clients came to pick up the cigarettes!!! And I said what are you doing???? She told me “I gave them an extra smoke break”
I said” NO. you cannot do that. That is changing the schedule, and the director already said that “we are not allowed to give extra smoke breaks because that is changing the schedule. Before you decided that you have to ask permission to the supervision.
Her answer “oh well, why they have that rule ???? it’s a reward!!! They want to take all the rewards? Go smoke, go smoke.
Oh God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is a director directive and we should follow
So the other snake from the cottage knows that why she kept tells to the counselors to give them an extra smoke break????
She acts on the unit as a savior of the sick people. She wants them to like her so muchhhh.
For me is very frustrated!
I am frustrated!
I am alone again, kinda
I don’t talk, I don’t let her know me at all, so I lost the fun I was having with the other counselor. He is also a CI and I know they cannot have 2 CIs working together.
What I want to tell her and I don’t:
“you don’t like how they do here go find another job”
“leave me alone, I am having a hard time with my personal life I don’t need more drama”
“you are a liar, and fake, and I don’t buy your bullshit”
“you are a NA/ AA sponsor…. You are not a counselor”
I work with someone who is against them, but in their front she acts she is with them.
I wonder when I leave what she says to the clients… I just wonder
I also keep wondering why my director sent her here to work with me. normally when he tells me something or does something where I am include is for a reason
I don’t know…..
Well my next blog I will talking about this new client I have who goes beyond my understanding.

Hey Mr. Judge or something from Dallas county… U must be crazy!

Hey Mr. Judge or something from Dallas county… U must be crazy!
So TC no more….
A few months ago the directors informed us that we are not TC anymore. The reason was because someone on Dallas County decided that, because we were creating bad feelings to the clients.
At that day I didn’t have any opinion, because for me TC was new at that time, and I remember I dint understand the concept of TC. I even didn’t agree much with that. But that was 1 year ago, I was new, inexperience. My background dint has anything to do with TC, so for me was going back to my back ground, and I was ok with that, I guess…
Nahhhhhhhhhh, not anymore!
Look at here, are you serious??? With this population??? No TC???
The guy who changed that he may need to come here and work with them for 3 months.
So we have a population WHO LEARN on jail how to come here and do time.
We have a population that learns in jail what to say to the counselors.
The new fashion is : “ I was molested”
God forgive me, if I am been mean, but I am getting my doubts on this.
Here is what I think…. Molestation isn’t a very open thing to talk about.
Molestation creates shame, and guilty, and I have this vision that someone molested would take awhile to talk about it.
doesn’t happen with this population. The first thing they tell me is they were molested!
Is that true? Some I believe. Others I believe they were taught in jail to get counselors sympathy.
They learn in jail to abscond through Parkland. They learn through jail how to get pills.
We work with a population that 99% are not going to be in recovery.
This population has only one goal…does time, and the guy says that TC is bad?
Maybe in his world!!!
Oh I am mad and frustrated!
I was trying to figure out why I am so unmotivated.
I am tired! The clients now are all over doing all kind the criminal behaviors.
No one helps anyone. No sense of discipline, and rules.
No sense of training and changing behaviors.
Oh well…
This is not about them is about me… I am in a phase that I may need help.
I look at the clients at indv. Session and I think: “ why u r talking with me pretending that u want to be in recovery???”
Is this normal what I think now???
Before I would believe everyone, and I would try, and try… now, I don’t want trust them at all.
What the fuck is going on with me???
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost forgot!!!!
I went to American Idol Wilmer once, and I had this huge feeling that something was wrong!!!!
What I saw? I saw a some of the clients singing, and looking at the guys for 2 seconds while singing. Hummmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a red light in my head… a big one!
So, once at the unit I started to asked them “ so, who is in love by now?”
They said: Miss Vale!!!!!! No one”
I said: right!
Last week or 2 weeks ago I saw a video of American idol. And what I see???
I see this black lady with 19 or something years old, singing Madonna!!!!!
Madonna!!!! And guess witch song??? “Crazy for you”
What?????????? What?????????????? Was she born when that song came out?
Why crazy for you from Madonna?
I thought: oh, she is in love” I said that lauder on the unit, and everyone laughs!
Today someone told me they were kissing during the trainings.
See once again, sex, drugs and rock and roll, and doing time.
They don’t get the concept of treatment.
In other day I asked to the new supervisor: do u think they are stupid, and dummy?”
Sometimes I get confuse!
I am sorry for my negativity, but something is going wrong in my head!
Or was the system, or was me who changed… I don’t know yet.

Making a balance

Making a balance
This year was very rich in experience; I even don’t know where to start.
I went through emotions, change, thoughts, meeting new people, disappointment, happy, insecure, oh well, I am a human being so like everyday I go through emotions.
So let me start for the beginning, and that means my job.
I walk there scare, barely spoke, but I had this huge desire to save life’s, and be known as one of the best counselors. I was told that I was a good counselor, and yes, I believe that I help to change some lives. At this moment I am going through a new phase in counseling.
I dont understand very well this phase, and what is happening. I am become more and more detached. Before I would go home and think about the clients. Today doesn’t happen. A client had become just a client. If I like it, noooo, I don’t!
I was more motivated when I was trying to save the world, lol
I am calming down. I still feel their pain, but isn’t like before.
I met my mentor, the one I chosen to call the mentor. Very grateful for that.
Why I choose him? Because he is very intelligent, and he is very different of me, so therefore had become a role model. Someone I want to be like.
Some people didn’t like that, and the envy kick in. funny because I can see that in their eyes, but they think that I can’t, or I don’t know.
I am grateful for my job, because I still love what I do, and they welcome me here very well.
He had become like a big brother, like a brother that every sister would like to have.
About my ex relationship.
Yeah, I met a few, but they had become overtime. Today I had become too intelligent to them. When I say that is because I meet men where I become ahead of them. They are too obvious. Lost children were what I met.
I keep looking for a brilliant man. Someone who will be a role model.
What I meet are people with broken hearts…. Broken children
Funny I met them after 15 days I got to go, lol
They just don’t make sense to me.
They don’t listen, because they keep telling me what they think I want to hear, and they forget that I am a counselor and I can find out what I need to know just looking at the way they talk, sit, walk, and behave.
I don’t bother too much about it like I did before, because today I really don’t care

Is still important to show the client I am right?
Is still important to proof them I am right?
Is still important to let them know that they cannot make fool of me, and I am ahead of them?
Nahhhhhhhhh. Is not any more!
For some reason isn’t!
Before I would chase them trying to proof I was right. I would be confronting them all the time, I would argue, I would trying to get others approval to make my point valid.
All of that was just a waste of energy. Client will keep doing what they do.
I am just a recovery cable. I am just the one who puts the seed. Is all I am. No more any less
I kind of miss my motivation, I was more energenetic. This new state kinda makes me sleepy, lol
I don’t know if this is normal, or I am become a bad counselor.
The clients keep saying that I should be a therapist, and go private because I am brilliant, so I am been still doing something right.
I changed units and I met nice and young people I work with. We work well together and also we have fun.
The dream interpretation girl relapsed after 3 days out of treatment.
More like her will come, and I will be here.
I miss my mother, and I have been asking to god to not let her die before I see her again.
She is been crying a lot on the phone saying that she misses me, and that breaks my heart.
I really need to go there, but is hard for me to let my dogs here.
I got bronquites, because the way I smoke. Now I have this new disease, because another addiction.
My mother yesterday told me for the first time that I was diagnosing with asthma when I was a child. Look at this, after 36 years is when she tells me that!
Anyway, is been hard to cure this stuff and because I was a heroin addict, I don’t have tolerance to physical pain..
Thank you all for reading me.
I hope this 2009 will make me a better person, and a better counselor.
I also wish stop smoking, and find a decent guy.
I want to see my mother, and my country.
I want my dogs keep healthy, and I want to keep everything I have.
I want to be clean, live and enjoy life without using drugs.