step 1 from 2006

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable admitted
- we did that before NA. Right? When I was using drugs I can remember the times I thought, I cant handle this anymore...I want to stop.... I’m so tired...why I cant stop?
We all have signs who indicate us what is going on with us. I could see with clarity it was the drugs controlling me ..not me controlling drugs.
People are saying :"I didn’t feel anything when I as stoned" oh my...I felt all the time!!!!! When I got my first high I got a trust relationship with drugs...I found out if I use I knew it what I will felling. So the connection was there and the trust.
Soon we can see we are powerless over our addiction...we just can't stop....we want more...we do everything to get high...we think about stopping, but we just can't and we don’t know why.
sometimes I heard people saying: "Was my option! I used drugs because was my option!""Was my fault!" really???????????????How come????????? hummmm ....Sounds like another copy and paste from the books or I heard someone sharing that so I am going to say the same...I don’t know what that means, but I just have to say what they are saying. I just had that option when I found NA, that’s why now I can say TODAY I HAVE ANOTHER OPTION!
1- Before NA did u know you were an addict? Did you know what that word means?
2- Did you have someone to explain you why you were using drugs?
3- Did you know after a while of clean time why you went back to use again?
4 -Did you know it how to talk about that?
5 -Did you know how to give names to your feelings?
6 -Did you know it was possible living without drugs before you came to NA?
7 - Did you knew why you were using drugs?
I don’t think so!
I believe because it was my case, I used over and over again and I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing, I just knew I couldn’t stop and didn't know why.
Today I have a option because NA taught me who I was, who I am, what I felt, what I feel, and what I can do to not go back to use again. I have the tools now. So I have a option now! Before I was just a blind kid. our lives had become unmanageable We could see that when we were using drugs I could see bags all over my body...I could see I had to sleep with my clothes because I knew it in the next day I won't be able to dress myself because the of body pain, I could see I was living with mice, I could see I didn't take a bath, didn’t eat, didn’t have job, living in streets, been sold like a commodity.
I could see when doctors put me in a house for crazy people, inside of room with pillows all over to not hear my screams and with both arms tight, I could see when I was raped and I didn’t feel it because the misery already was too much, one less one more didn’t count at the time, I could see when I woke in the hospital and I found out I was alive and I ran to my house to try to kill myself again. Before NA I saw that.
But why do we have to write a step one?
Why is it so important to write this step? For what? Simple! It's our base our life support. How can we do that? Sometimes I heard people talking about step one like they were telling us a story.. a movie ...becoming rational, not emotional. I can share my story over and over again like a speaker and guarantee you I won't feel anything! I already know my story. I already shared that million times... I know what to say about that and how to share it. Rational! writing = emotion Did you notice when you are doing your step one you started breathing fast??????lol ;)
You started becoming tired of writing ;)
like...(I want to sleep now);) something inside of you start become weird like if you was were full of something and you have to stand up and walk for a while ;)
you start feel the expressions of your face become heavy;)
funny .. now I remember something ...and nothing has to do with it, but at same time has: think with me..... in a meeting.....everyone stop talking....silence in room...no one sharing...everyone waiting of the next share.....what do you feel in those times?
Did you know when a room is in silence it's the best way for you to find out how are you?
Its the best way for you to find out if you are ok or not? think.....can you today support the silence in a room???????
Or do you right way you say: my name is-----I am an addict?
If you today you can support the silence in a room it's because you can stand to be in touch with yourself and with your feelings. another definition of spiritually ;)
So. Lets go back to step 1.... what is the best way to write a step one?
1- be specific. Go deep in that..itcan hurt but won't kill and you and you will grow
2- write names of people and places and dates
3- examples of each situation
4- describe what you felt (responsibility)
5- after each example describe what you feel now about that example(responsibility) (responsibility) = you have to look and feel what you did and that has a name... and that name is :
We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable
END