trapped again even didn't notice

Dammm, I just follow into one trap again.
When I am going to learn????
So yesterday I was sit down in cantine, and I saw this ex client of mine and I said: hi, how are you?
She came to me and she said: I am ok. Hey I have that paper for you.
What paper?
That paper you told me to do about the book. Did you get the book?
Yes.
When can I give you the paper?
Anytime, ask your counselor if you can give it to me.
Trap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just said that to shut her up, and to not make her feel rejected.
Dammm I didn’t even notice.
My supervisor came to me and told me that I upset her counselor, because seams that I was trying to annulated her work.
Wasn’t my intention.
I didn’t get very upset, BUT, BUT, and here we go again, the first thing came to my mind was that the other sneak counselor had something to do with this.
This counselor who got upset is very calm, to freak out with a small situation like this, because the true is the client just wanted to give me a paper I told her to do when I was her counselor and she never had the opportunity to give me.
I believe came from that client can be trap because she is very criminal minded, and a liar.
But the emphase this got, I believe that the sneak snake counselor had something to do with this.
She has an anti social behavior, she like to create chaos, and then sit back and watch.
She is the one who would have a heart attack if one of her clients would want to talk to me. She probably was the one who felt threat by the paper.
I had this desire to ask my supervisor if she was present at that moment, but I didn’t have courage. I didn’t want to show that I was suspicious and I was loosing the advice, and the learn experience.
I don’t understand why that woman keeps having a problem with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
Why she keeps competing with me????? What the fuck is her problem?
She keeps looking at me when she sees me, and sizes me up. She looks at me from down to top
I don’t know.
Who gives a fuck?
Well, but is sad, and uncomfortable having someone who is always watching you trying to figure out your mistakes.
I am been having fun for awhile, because I already found out that I am her weakness. She tries to dress like, the fool, like if she could have the same impact that I have. Hello!!!
She is ghetto, I am fashion, lol, I am been silly
She needs med and see Doctor Clayton, lol

A gift from God

We have this client that is going to a hard time. Her son was murder last week during a party he went.
When I find out I immediately went there to tell her how sorry I was. I have been watching this client working at the haunted house, and she was having fun. I kept wondering why she was having fun, and I kept looking at her trying to figure out. Didn’t took me too much to realized is the grieve process, and she was walking through the first symptom witch is denial, and bargaining. Yesterday we had a lot of fu together because she was the one who walked me thought haunted house because I was scared.
Yesterday she told me when she could come and talk to me. I said anytime, just ask.
Today she went to crisis. She finally is going to pain, and lost. I saw her at cantine, and she was hiding. I Asked if she was ok, and she said: I asked to the supervisor I want to talk to you, I believe you are the only one who can help me. I told her to come and see me at 1pm.
When she arrived, she was mad, because no one was capable to help her, and they gave her a pack (handbook) on grieve. She told me: they gave me a fucking pack. When I started to read I found out that pack is for teenager people.
I asked her how she acted at the funeral. She said she faint and she couldn’t stop scream.
The reason I asked that was to find out how far or how late she was in grieve process.
I realized with her answer that she was exactly where she was supposing to.
I told her that in not in this world a hand book who can get away her pain.
This was what I told her:
“I am not going to try to elude you. You will never stop to cry your son. You will cry your son until the rest of your life, because HE WAS YOUR SON. He was part of you, and your heart will be broken forever. You will get better, but at anniversaries, Christmas, you will cry.
What happen to you is real; HAPPEN! You just need to allow yourself to feel, and you may be in lunacy for awhile. Lunacy is when you laugh, and then after 5 minutes you cry, and then you laugh again. You are having a pain that you don’t understand, and me as a counselor I would never understand because I don’t know how painful can be to loose a son. So hear what I say, that pain is real, and you be with you forever, because you have now a broken heart. This pain also tells you that you are a wonderful person because you loved you son; you are capable to love. I know what I am going to say next isn’t not going to make sense to, but what I want to tell you is that you may have found your destiny thought this; maybe you can use this pain to help other trouble teenagers. Through help them you are able to feel more near, and in touch with your son through life.”
The client told me that she also was feeling guilty, and I that made me to do relapse prevention.
I asked permission to the group to work with them in client’s pain. They agreed.
I circle them up, and I put the client in the middle, and I asked if she would like to tell her son about her guilty, and pain.
She agreed, and she spoke with her son through cry, and screams. Most of the group started to cry with her.
At the end I asked them who would like to pray with her, and a lot of them prayed different prayers.
We have on our unit this weird trouble girl, witch no one knows how to deal with her. The first time I met this client I got scared, and I thought she was a freak. Weeks ago I realized that she wants so freak because she was been manipulated by other client who likes to manipulate gay and trouble women, and is doing that for the second time. (She is redo 6 months again) so I realized that client is using masks. I decided to not give her feedbacks, wouldn’t work! So she had become the weird trouble girl that I ask to help clients. Without her notice she is doing treatment by helping people that I asked her to.
So once again I asked for help, and I told her to go outside with this client who is in grieve and go smoke a cigarette with her. She stood with her for 30 minutes, and then she escorts her back to the cottage.
The client role back to the cottage, and she was more calm. Before she went I told her to do this exercise (talking with her son, and cry, as many times she needs to) in order to relieve her pain.
I found out she asked for me to be her counselor, and my supervisor told no, and the only thing possible is work with her counselor at same time.
I went to the cottage, and I called her counselor and the client and I told them what the supervisor told me. I told to the counselor that she may need to do this exercise, and the counselor said: yes, she can do it in break time, AMD, PTA.
My brain thought: NO, NO, WE CANNOT CONTROL THIS!!!!ISNT THE TIME!!!
True, she is about to leave treatment, we don’t have time. We are running of time.
But she has an excellent person as a counselor, I really like her, so I explain to her, that we may cannot control when she needs to do the exercise, because the client is going through moos alteration witch is part of the grieve. I asked to the counselor to give her freedom of expression during this phase, and let the process run natural way. She agreed.
For my surprise my ego didn’t get big because I chosen as the only one that client want to talk with.
I felt peace.
Also I felt a huge gratitude for having this mentor in my life. What a human being! What an inspiration! What a mentor! I am fortunate! He walked me thorough the pain I had on my last days in that cottage. He told me pain is what makes us strong, and the true will show up sooner or later. I wasn’t expecting that his words would come true so soon.
Today was the day. One counselor ( who is very sneak, and she jsut did again by taking advantage of a new counselor going to attitudes and attirement to send her clients for second time there when she knows they just can go one); anyway she took advantage the clients were mad at me because I put them on smoke break, and decided to gang them up against me.
Those clients today came to talk to me. They had chosen me.
Other client saw me at cantine and told: here is the thing; I am about to leave in two weeks, and I am exactly like I came here, so if was possible to talk with you before I leave, I would appreciate that.
I heard those clients telling to each other: this counselor knows what she is doing.
Was a beautiful moment, and I am grateful for that.
This is also what irritates me so much to still be a CI. I feel limitation, and I feel I cannot move on until I become a lcdc. I want to study more, and be certified in other areas in order to help more the clients.
I see some of my coworkers being a NA sponsor, and not counselors. I see some of them trying to resolve client’s issues with packages and not taking time to figure out what the client needs and how they can help.
In other day I said that this field is still late. Today I am going to rephrase that; isn’t the field, is some of the counselors who makes this job just a job. Just a place to get a paycheck without work a lot.
Lets face the true; between this and fast food, be a counselor is easier because you are sit down doing groups. I believe some of them choose this profession because they don’t know what else to do, and some of them choose this profession because they think is the same as be a NA sponsor.
Look to that client on my unit who everyone gave up on her because she is weird, and crazy. Since I stared to tell her to help my clients she is been doing what she never did before. She is been talking, she is been going to house keeping, she is been working on the unit. Today she told me: well, I don’t know what you did to me, but since you started asking me to talk with your clients, I see myself not shutting up. Now I talk like I never did before, I even get pull ups for talking.
See, this client wanted to be a cop, and her mother told her NO.
The person that she most needed didn’t believe in her, so she is been trying to prove that everyone will give up on her. SHe had been challenging everyone in order to be rejected and make clear that people give up on her, and they don’t care.
Once I told her: here is the thing, I care about you and you are not going to be able to stop me, because I am stronger than you. I will keep care for until the day you will start care for yourself, and I don’t care if you want it or not.
I found out the best way wasn’t to go into confrontation with her, but asking for help.
I gave her the responsibility without her notice

haunted house

Haunted house

Wow what amazing day I had yesterday!!!!!
So I went to this haunted house at my work, and was the best time I ever had in days.
I was scared because was dark, and I couldn’t see, so I got this adrenaline, lol. I told to a client: you go in front of me, lol
Can you believe I got scared with the same situation twice????
I saw that client coming out from the refrigerator, and I wasn’t expecting!!! I got freak scare, and I even scream. So them I pass there again, and I knew it she was going to come out again, and again I got scared :s, lol
Then I went to the men side and was this doll, and suntley the doll came in my direction, and I just ran the fast as I could.
For that I don’t have a life in this country was very cool the haunted house, because made me have fun, and made me remind those old days in Lisbon fair where I would go to haunted houses.

Thank you!

Now something I saw there. We have some of our clients there working at the haunted house. We have this blonde beautiful client who shares very well, and seams that she already got it. When she is at the unit is that what I thought, but yesterday I saw the really one.
She kept trying to seduce the guys. I realized she was there to act in her addiction. I saw that she couldn’t stop. The other clients were are dress crazy, and with weird make up, but this one wasn’t. She just had some lipstick, and made sure that she was sexy to the guys. Today I observed her behavior on the unit, and she wasn’t free like before. She is already obsessed with one of the guys or several of them. I can see she has a plan, and she will act on that. I also believe that at this point she is already having contact with him, or some of them. I believe she is starting a relationship in the haunted house. What I saw yesterday was really, and I could relate with that look, and way to move. She is ready to sabotage, or she already did it.

Looking for a victim

Ok. So here I am again. Been quite, been trying to act out.
I found myself very angry. Let me tell how the weekend was, and how I saw my anger that was hidden.
I was working when the new counselor arrived. I realized I didn’t have to do over time, so I was allowed to leave at 7.00pm.
On my way home, I decided to show up by surprise in a NA meeting. When I arrived some of them almost did a party. They were so happy to see me. I was so welcome. The other part didn’t speak with me due he told them about my situation with John. So is a part of the group who are happy to see, and is other part who isn’t. So, why I found out I was still angry?
I saw this guy there that I never saw before. A very attractive guy. We look at each other in same way. Immediately I asked my friends who was that guy. I was told he was someone who just relapsed after a few years in recovery. My answer was dammmmmm!
Then I went online and I registered myself in all free date websites. Soon they started to talk with me; I felt “oh God, I don’t have patience to talk with this people. So I erased myself of the websites.
Then I was “obligated “to go to the Dallas Cowboys game. The guy had two tickets and implores me to go with him. So I went. When I arrived to the bus I realized I was in the middle of rich people. We went on this limousine bus, and I got this scare and defensive body language. I dint said a word. I spent most of the time smoking cigarettes during the game. Smoking cigarettes outside. Then I sat in the couch, and was obvious I didn’t want to be there, and football doesn’t tell me anything, and is just boring to me. I was feeling crazy. Now the craziest thought I had during the game. I know that I may be weird for most of you, and my thoughts can be very sick, but I have to tell and write down my thought even if I think people will think I am insane. Well, when I am hurt I become half insane. I say half insane because the other half is already sane and is the one who stops me.
So my thought: the suite had a restroom, and was a big restroom with a huge mirror.
My first thought was:
‘Wow, would be amazing to have sex here”
My second thought was:
“Dam, if I could find someone right now, I would have sex in one of these restrooms.”
Now the insane part was I started to look around to make that happen. I even was looking at the other suites to find someone, like a really emotional vampire looking for a victim.
I went home sad, because I was thinking how emotional vampire I am when I am hurt. When I am hurt I just go to look for a new victim.
I know this is not because I am an addict, because I know when a human be is vulnerable like I am today, that this shit happens.
How many people who cried I others shoulders end up in bed with them?
The sexual desire walked with me during this days off. Is like the pleasure I see vampires in the movies having when they suck the blood from their victims.
The point isn’t that. The point is I KNOW. Once I know what I am doing isn’t funny anymore. Once I know I feel.
Is times like this I which to not know, because would be so must easier to act out with shame, guilty, without conscience.

Lack of emotion is a relapse trigger

I have this client who is fascinating to work with her. She is also in high risk, because her life style. I see that will be possible for her to not using, but won’t be possible to give up of her life style, because her lack of emotion over that.
She is a natural manipulative. She isn’t aware of that because she was raise to be. I will explain later. I feel her eyes looking for me all the time. She tried to control me since day 1. I see her analyzing me all the time. She found out that her dreams were a way to get attention of staff, so she keeps bring new dreams everyday. I realized that something was wrong by the way she reports that dreams. I saw her thinking, and I realized that she was adding make up stuff in order to impress me and get my attention.
This is a case of a lost child who grows up fantasying about living other life’s, be someone else. Because her childhood was very violent, fantasy had become a defense mechanism.
Let me give you an example, lets think like she did:
“I am here in this living room, but now I am going to pretend I am a princess living in a castle, and everyone loves me”
This is exactly the fantasy I am talking about. They call these lost children, creative.
The first individual session I had with her she told that she would like to a counselor of celebrities. Saw was evident to me the fantasy. Celebrities are other dimension, other world.
So let me tell more about her history.
Her grandmother was a prostitute. Her grandmother made her daughter to be a prostitute, and the daughter (mother of my client) made her daughter prostitute.
So now I am going to explain where the natural manipulation without awareness comes.
Her mother dressed her, put make up on her, and made my client to look good in order to be easy to sell her. So my client was taught the art of manipulation. Her mother taught what to do with men, and how to seduce men. That’s why she isn’t aware of her natural manipulation because she was taught. Normal mother teach their children that isn’t good to lie, to manipulate. Some of them punish their children when they manipulate through cry to manipulate. In the case of my client she was taught those things were OK.
When I spoke with her about prostitution, and possible sex addiction she told me that she was OK with that, because she is being doing that for so long.
I saw lack of emotion, and I asked her what she felt every time she was doing that there. She answer that her mind goes to another place and because of that she doesn’t feel the shame.
So, here we go again to the fantasy. This proof that when she is having sex she starts to fantasize that she is in other place.
This lack of awareness, and emotion made me see that this client is going back to prostitution. This proofs again that 98% of the clients goes beyond addiction. I believe this field is very focus on the secondary problem - drug addiction, and that’s why this field has so many relapses.
This field is dedicated to teach about drug addiction, and most of them forgot to search for the real problem. The key of a possible success is just one. Is asking: WHAT HAPPEN? Let me find out what happen to you, and how can help you and set you free.
So here I have a client who is going to discharge next month, and ready to become a prostitute. Second question: WHAT CAN I DO?
Today I look at her and I asked her: what can I do to make you feel what you need to feel. What can I do to break that lack of emotion.
She asked: what do you mean? What do you want to do with me?
My answer was: I want to make you to not go back to the streets anymore. I want to find a way to make you feel that isn’t OK, like you said before.
She kept saying that is all that she knows and her grandmother was a prostitute, and her mother was a prostitute.
See, let me explain this:
The owners of wall - mart had sons, who continue with wall-mart job. Those sons had sons who are going to continue that work. So becomes normal the passage from grandparents to sons, and sons to they sons. Like my client had become a normal cycle. GGrandmother, daughter, granddaughter.
My mind went back to my treatment, and I remind a group that I will never forget.
Was a women group, and we were talking about prostitution, like if that was to go to the supermarket and buy soap. Normal thing, like of emotion. The counselor got fed up with our conversation and they asked: “so, tell me, how those men approached you?”
Was like a knife in our backs. Silence in the room.
The counselor asked again: come on tell me how they approach you? What they say?
The group ends up in tears because was broken the lack of emotion. She made us to remind the approach: how much it is? What you do for 10 dollars, etc…
You understand what I mean for approach.
I look to my client and I said: I know how I am going to set you free.
You are going to make a list of everything your mother asked you to, and everything those men ask you to do.
She got so mad. She started to cry saying that she wasn’t doing that.
She said: I don’t want to feel nasty. I don’t want you to look at me as a nasty person. I can’t write what they asked me because is very nasty. Just to talk about that like I am now I started to feel the taste in my mouth, all the nasty tastes.”
She started to cry, and scream. A scream cry.
The pain was so big, so big. All the stuff she is avoiding started to come out.
I realized that is exactly what needs to happen to that client.
Make her go back, remind, and write is going to take her to shame, disgusting.
Is going to take her to rage, and maybe to take a lot of showers because she is going to start to feel very dirty.
These feelings may appear to you as cruel feelings, but is this feeling that she will remind, and will save her life.
we cannot forget that what makes us different of serial killers is we have emotions, and they have a lack of emotional.
SERIAL means, doing the same in serie, over and over again.
I know that this is a little bit of psychodrama, but that’s why I want to work in this with my mentor.
I believe if we meet with her in order for her to process this work, we both can hold her, and rebuild her.
I know what I am doing, and I know exactly where I want to take her in order to set up free, but I need my mentor help.
I believe that together we are going to do something amazing with this woman.
here some of videos whom explains my client

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

What do you think is going to happen if you successes in treatment?

Today the topic of the group was handling fear of successes.
After they read was there a question: What do you think is going to happen if you successes in treatment?
I asked them to answer that individual. The answers were:
- I will be me again
- I will be happy
Most of them said they were being happy.
I told them: you are lien to yourself. They look at me very admired, and some of them looked at me like if I was a weird. I told them to that I was going to explain and make a point.
So I started with one of the clients. I asked her: lets suppose is Friday night and you are home, at your window. Then you see your old friends passing over your house in their cars, and you know exactly where they are going. You know exactly that they are going to that club that you like so much. What do you think you are going to feel at that moment? Do you think you are going to start to jump and scream very happy that is good to be in recovery????
Her answer was: NO! I will be mad, BECAUSE I CAN’T GO WITH THEM.
I asked to other client: you were selling drugs, right? So lets suppose you go to a shopping center, and you see a lot of stuff that you would like to have right then. Because you have now to wait for you pay check so you are not going you be able to buy it. What do you think you are going to think and feel??? Are you going to be happy at that exactly moment? Are you going to feel grateful?
Her answer was: NO! I am going to think that if I was selling drugs I wouldn’t have problem with that. I would be mad!
I asked to other client: you was talking this morning that you was thief, and you stole a jacket from a store. So now let’s suppose that you go to a store and you See this amazing beautiful jacket, but because you are in recovery you cannot steal it. What do you think you are going to feel? Are you going to be happy?
Her answer was: NO! I will be mad, and I will start to think that if was in my old times I knew exactly how to get that jacket without paying for.
Then I asked to everyone a simple question:
Did already happen to you that you are paying for something and the woman who is giving you your change back, a makes a mistake and gives you more money that she shouldn’t? In that moment do you negotiate if you should be honest about it and tell her that she made a mistake and she is giving more money that she shouldn’t?
The general answers were: yes. I will negotiate. Yes I will be between giving her money back or not.
One of them said: I wouldn’t. Already happen to me and I gave her the money right way.
My answer to her was: and that happen because you are codependent!
She looks at me very surprise. I explained to her. I told her: follow me; what is the difference between when you stole the jacket from the hanger, and when the woman gave more money? Let me explain: when you are stealing something from a hanger you don’t see a face. You know that jacket belong to Wall-Mart but you don’t know the owners, so you are stealing to an institution. That means you don’t get emotional, because you don’t see their faces, no feelings. When that woman gave more money you were watching her face, so you had become emotional, and because you are codependent you had right way the need to rescue her for her mistake. Here mam, this money belongs to you.
Yep, makes sense.
So the conclusion of the group was: are you really to be happy when you are not going to be able to be with your old friends, not be able to go to old places, be happy for waiting for you pay check, be happy for paying bills, be happy because you cannot steal, or play with others feelings?????
Of course NOT! Is going to be hard, and you will be attack by your criminal thinking.
That will bring pain because that means GRIEVE = LOST.
Is what step 1 is about, GRIEVE AND LOST?
But now let me tell you something; you think that not using drugs is what is going to give you self-esteem. Wrong!
Clean is not the same as recovery. What is going to bring self esteem is exactly what we are talking about in this group. Is that you know you could but you keep it really and you wont.
Is not matter how hard it is for you to not go with your friends, to not steal, not to go to old places; you keep choosing to go through that pain in order to grow. Self esteem is when you win this fight between criminal think / offender behavior and healthy behavior, no matter how hard that is going to be.
If you do that one day you will be able to look back and see how far you went in your recovery and how you win those little internal fights between sanity and insanity. So the point is clients need to keep it really, and be aware that the beginning of recovery is not just roses. They need to be aware that for in order to be in recovery they have to loose something in order to get others. They need to be aware that can be hard. Like this they will that is just a process and will take awhile. False expectations is one of the biggest relapse triggers. Be aware is to be conscience of what is around you, and once you are aware you can make choices, and be out of confusion, and fear.
That's all folks for now

I found out the true

Let’s talk about the perfect NA member. Let’s talk about the ones who have sponsee, and do a lot of service work in NA. Let’s talk about one I know very well.

So the guy is going to go back and use. When? I don’t know.
Here his story: he was married for 25 years. At the end of his marriage he decided to go to Mexico and started dating prostitutes. He kept trying to rescue them, by take them with him to USA. Didn’t work because they had other men. He kept going to those bars in Mexico and spent the night there. One day one of the prostitutes was an addict, and of course he tried to rescue her. He end up using Coke for the first time, and never stop until 3 years ago. So he thought that she was another weak one for him to control, and he end up been control.
Mexico and prostitute had become a “trust relationship” to him. Like I said before a trust relationship is when you know what something or someone is going to make you feel. Doesn’t matter if what you are going to feel is bad or good, what matters is you know exactly what you are going to feel.
If he started to use in Mexico during is search for prostitute, so that would be call “relapse process”.
Explanation:
Question: let’s suppose you go home and you tell your wife:
“Do you know what happen today? I went to the dope house to make sure I don’t want to use anymore”
What answer do you think your wife will give to you?
What answer do you think your co workers will give to you?
Please readers, I really would like you to answer this question, and soon I will tell you the reason I am making this question.
He started going to Mexico, and I remember the first time he went to Mexico was when he went to the world convention by himself. He said he would go pass in Mexico before the convention.
I asked him if he wasn’t afraid to go to Mexico since he has that relationship with that place.
He said no, very secure of him, very upset with my question.
I told him: today you go, tomorrow you will pick a prostitute, and then at the end you are going back to use.
After I said that he asked to leave calling me names.
The addiction to porn started and I told him that one of this days isn’t going to be enough and he goes to look for the really thing.
See people say I have an anger issue, true, but also they say that because I tell them the true on their faces.
So the times go by, and guess what I found out yesterday. I went again to that site where I call a meat market of women traffic. I decided to join them in order to read the 9 posts of my husband. I was allowed to see his posts and I found out that all his travels to Mexico are to pay to prostitutes. Let me rephrase again: ALL HIS TREAVELS!
I confronted them and he realized he was caught, and he told me the true. Now let me tell you what he said:
- He goes to the prostitutes and then goes to the NA meeting, or goes to NA first and then goes to the prostitution place.
- One of the last times he went there to be a speaker at a convention, and before he spoke he was with one prostitute.
- He told me that he went to the old places he used drugs, and bought drugs, to find out he didn’t want to use again.
You see now why early ago I asked you that question in this blog.
See, I keep wondering how a man who gets 900.00 dollars A WEEK from his work , never has money, always very worry about money, and in his bank statements says that he doesn’t have any money saved.
He doesn’t pay gas because he works with company car.
So now we know why he doesn’t have money, don’t we?
What I told him? I told him:
“I told you so! I told you that one day porn would be enough and you would go look for the real thing.
I told you that Mexico was a trigger for you, and is your relapse process. First you go there to feel confident that you can go there and nothing happens.
Of course the first time nothing happens, because you are there in alert to justify that YOU CAN GO to old places, people, and things. So the second time you decided to get a prostitute in order to justify again that you CAN DO IT WITHOUT GO BACK AND USE. But the second time wasn’t enough anymore, because without notice you was there again, and again, and again. So then you decided that you have the power to go visit the old places, and dope houses. See, step 1 is about I am powerless, and you are trying to gain control. So now you can’t stop, because the disease of addiction is in control now. So let me tell you what is next; one day one of those prostitutes is going to be someone very criminal, very manipulative. She is going to make your head like happen before. You are going to follow in love, because you are already exposed. Then you are going to find out that she is using drugs, and then you are going to start to take her to the meetings. So she goes one day, she stays clean 1 day, and then she relapses 2 days. You keep taking her to the meetings and be her sponsor, but she will start to run away. You will wake up and she is not there because she went to the dope house. You panic! Then you go to the dope houses looking for her. The love of your life ran away, needs to be rescue, and take away from the dope house. The end of this is just one: the disease of addiction has more power than you, and after this entire rescue, one day you will tell her: give me that, I want to use to! For the first time he didn’t acted on anger. I had a feeling that he was desperate to tell someone. Can that be possible? Or I am been naïve.
Here we have a guy who does a lot of service work, who goes to MY TREATMENT CENTER to talk about recovery, an then had all this text messages on his phone form ex clients of the place I work. So I am doing a work witch is trying to take those women from the street, and then this guy contributes for them to stay in the streets.

Auto Manipulation

I called my mother yesterday, and when she said hello, I barely could hear her voice.
I asked her what was going on, and she told me her heart was very weak. Then she adds: “you are just coming here in February, right? Before you told you was coming in November and now you are just coming in February .I think you are not going to see me ever again, because I am about to die. My heart is very weak and I can’t wait.”
I pretend that I don’t care while I am on phone, but then I play the tape over and over again.
My thoughts are: and if is true this time?
And if she die?
Today when I called I was thinking that maybe would be a neighbor answering the phone, to tell me that she died. So that means the message came through my brain, and soul.
Because sometimes I am incapable to do what I preach, I go to the denial stage. More honest than that, I go to the auto manipulation. I am very manipulative, and I am capable to auto manipulate and sabotage everything, BUT, as a coward I don’t get responsible for my feelings, so I have to go find out something that can justify my decisions.
My auto manipulation/ sabotage is aware that I will successes thought resentments.
If I got resentment then I will be able to justify my decisions = I did that because of that. RaRarely I say that I did that because I chosen to, not because others hurt me.
So I asked my husband to go to his computer to download the software of the handy cam.
While on his computer my auto manipulation started to work.
Thought: see his history.
Well, if you see it you may get to see what you don’t want, and then you get hurt.
I don’t care I go and see it anyway.
So I did, and so I got it.
Here I found on his history costaricaticas which is a website where men find the prostitution in Costa ricas, and they have a forum where they talk with each other and tell each other which woman to have sex, and what she does for them, and how much they pay her, and if she is nice or rude.
Is like a meat market.
I so tired before I went his computer, and I had a plan to go sleep after. Oh God! After I saw that my eternalized pop and I was not sleepy anymore. I was I anger!
Then I saw he went to orbitz to see how much would be to go there.
I confronted him, but he always has a justification, he said he was bored.
My answer to that was: yeah, is what the clients tell me, that they went back to use because they were bored.
I woke up this morning thinking again about what my mother said to me, and at same time thinking about my husband. I was walking into Wal-Mart and I thought:
I should take the LCDC test in December. I have 2 months to study. Oh well, I take the LCDC in December but I don’t get the license before 4000 hours.
Then my recovery part took place and I stared to think:
Shit, why you always give up? Why always you allow your mother to make your head.
What are you going to do then? Doesn’t really matter where you go, or where you run, because you are going to have the same problem.
I struggle time to time with this, and is always because I keep hearing what my mother says.
So I am a good counselor to tell the clients that they need to give permission to their self to feel guilty in order to learn how to deal with that. I keep telling that they never will get ride of their guilty because is not possible to forget what they did, but then when comes to me, I forget what I say to others, and I start acting out.
Auto manipulation. The true is I am scare that may be true what my mother says. I am more scared because I feel guilty. I have this feeling that if my mother dies I will die too.
This must come because I am a chronic inadequate person. I keep be an inadequate, always with a sensation that I don’t belong.
How many time this happen before that I am aware?
I keep remember that I abscond from treatment because my mother kept calling saying that she was sick. And then I auto manipulate myself saying that I was going because I was tired of the guys who were with me I treatment.
I keep trying to save the world when I am surviving because I cannot save myself of this struggle.
Why is so easy to be a good counselor to others, and is so hard to be a good counselor to myself?
My counseling would be so benefic used on me.
I ran away from my mother but didn’t work, because I still have the same feelings. The true is I am trying to do something for myself here. I am trying to have some success, and be something, someone.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

what I believe

This is what I believe

Do you ever wonder why you are still alive?
Everyone is aware that dies thousands of people around of the world because the disease of addiction.
Everyday dies someone because this disease.
So why me? Why I wasn’t one of them?

We will go back to this question later, but now let’s see what normal we do.
How many times a day you ask God to help you?
How many times the addict does ask for Gods help? A few hum?
Does the addict says at night: thank you God
Does the addict says in the morning: what can I do for you today God?
Nope
Here what I make sure that clients become aware:
Today I was doing a group and a client said: I keep praying for God to help me.
I told her: why you keep asking God for stuff, don’t you see that he already gave you what you need because He wants you to help him now.
See, God already helped you when he showed you the 12 steps. He did that because now it’s your turn to carry the message.
Some of us are chosen to be disciples of God. God normally chooses the enferms ones.
If you look back to your childhood and where you are coming from you will be able to recognize the lack of happiness.
You will be able to look back and see rejection, pain. All this lack of love made us to have that hole inside of us. A hole that is so big that needs to feed somehow. That hole with years and become compassion and that’s why we are so sensitive and easy to be hurt. We had become the liars, the thief, the prostitute for a reason. The drugs were just a way for the plan that God has for us.
The ones they are alive will have the need to help another human be like them because WE CAN FEEL THEIR PAIN. Once we can feel their pain we are able to understand so well what the other is coming from.
Is exactly this what God needs. He needs those sick people in recovery to go and carry his message to the ones who are still in hell.
The devil had chosen drugs to destroy. God had to go pick some of us to fight against those destructive drugs. We are what I call the RESURRECTION.
Resurrection because be in recovery is like re born again. Learn a new way to live.

Resurrection

The most widely used definition for who is a disciple is Jesus' self-referential example from the Gospel of John 13:34-35: "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

If you go and see Jesus story, you will see:
Misunderstood
Rejected

Humiliated

Haunted (like the drugs hunted people)

Carry the message

That is what I believe that we were chosen. Normally we are the ones we had did stuff that could killed us. Like OD, or even tried to kill ourselves.
Was proven that we tried, but we didn’t successed.

what ???

Today the continue care supervisor was here and he asked me a chair for his office, because he wanted to match with other chair he has. I told him yes and I told him to send a client from the cottage with one of his chair and make the trade.
So the cottage decided to act in a criminal way. They took advantage of a situation of the supervisor chair to manipulate their counselor and come and pick up the soft chairs.
They told her that the soft chairs were their chairs, and they had a lot of people in medical restriction. The last time I was there they just had 1 client who was allow to be in soft chair.
Soundly I got a phone call from the counselor from cottage D asking me if they could came and pick the chairs that had gone to the unit by mistake during parenting class.
I didn’t know, so I said yes. When they arrived the clients told me that the supervisor of the women facility Mr. W. told them to stay with that chairs, and that means that the soft chairs don’t belong to the cottage.
My answer to that right way was: stop, nothing moves. If the supervisor had choose this chairs its up to him to change that.
The Cottage starts to screaming with clients form the unit and I said for them to stop because the last time I checked Mr. W. was the supervisor. One of the clients was very disrespectful to me, and I told her that I wasn’t her counselor anymore but I was still staff.Then i started to see all the women from the unit comming out of their rooms, and I had to act fast. Anyway they kept screaming with the unit about the chair, and I had to role them back right way to the cottage.
Then I sent clients form the unit to take the chairs they brought to the cottage. When they arrived there with the chairs they kept screaming and telling that their were slick and devious and they were going be pull up for that.
So the conclusion of that was that the other supervisor came here to get an explanation. When he arrived he told me that they said that unit took the chairs during parenting class. The true is that chairs came here 2 or 3 weeks ago, and they were lying and tried to take advantage from a trade chair between supervisor and counselor.
At the end a guy from the security called and kept saying that I have to send the chairs because the supervisor wants. And I told him NO. I am not moving anything until W. says so.
They guy said: so you are refusing?
OH MY…..
Are you stupid?????
What is the part that you don’t understand that supervisor has other supervisor on top of him, and was that who is on top of him who chooses to have these chairs in the unit!!!!
Wow he really upset me; he thinks he runs shit here. He may want to go and cut his pony tale.
All this situation upset me, because saw myself divide between supervisors. The cottage keeps finding way to split staff, and they keep succeeded.
They had the counselors asking what was going on, they even had the supervisor comming here to know what was going on, and they even had security on this. Wow, what a good criminals!
I got upset
now lets have fun.

week review

So everyone is wondering why I changed the way I dress.
I keep watching people looking at me in a weird way, like: what is going on with her? What happen? Why she is acting like that?
I had a client that yesterday she asks me: have you been shopping? My answer was: No. I just took all the clothes from the closet.
The true is just one; they always say that we learn and grow with bad moments, and that will make us strong. TRUE! Today I was offering my work to one of my supervisors and he said: no, no, we don’t want to burn you out. My answer was: I already burn out, but one of the things you need to understand about me is when something bad happen to me I will complain, and complain, and I go on self pity, and I really go down, but then I get tired and I stand up stronger than before.
So what is going on with the clothes?
I stop feeling sorry for the clients!
Here my old thoughts: oh, I am not going to dress like I did in Portugal because most of them they don’t have property and I don’t want to hurt their feelings or make us feel minor. See, I am so codependent that I changed the way I dress to feel more accept by them. Since that situation happen to me, I realized that they do what they suppose to do and isn’t because the clothes they are going to do better, or they are going to see me as someone who cares.
So before I came to work I took all the clothes from the plastic, and I am wearing it again.
I am taking care of myself. Was a way I found out to keep moving on.
I am going to stand up, but I will stand up in high style, lol.
My message was: I am here! And I am stronger! At least now I don’t appear like a client, I appear more like staff, lol.
I don’t know if I am right or wrong, but for now is what I am doing, and is making me since.
Also I have more time to fix myself when I work at evenings, because in the morning I just want to wake up, have coffee, and go.
At evenings I am able to wake up slow, and I have time to do everything, easy and slow.
Moving on….
Today I did a group and for the first time I gave feed back and I participated like before.
I started here one of the clients saying: see, see, what I told you guys. See how she figures out stuff? Once again I dint give importance like before. I still like to hear, but I don’t show it because they no longer can manipulate me with that.
The other cottage keeps telling that I need to come back. Yesterday I asked them why I need to come back. The answer was: you really need to come back believe me!
My everyday answer to the other cottage is: you have what you ask for, so be happy with that. Because I smoke break they forgot all the rest I was doing there, so now I moved on, and I am happy with that.
Now talking about QCC. For the first time since I have been working here I have QCC who doesn’t abuse me.
The first act I had she was always screaming, and angry, and I would found myself doing all the groups. The second QCC wants kind, and was very lazy, and would lie a lot. Is the kind of the person who would tell you that yellow is pink. I end up doing all his work and he really abused me.
The third QCC was lay back, and in a soft way would put me doing some of\f his groups.
So now I have my 4th QCC and finally I have someone who is nice to me, and doesn’t abuse me!!!!!!!!!!! I even have been saying: I don’t work too much! Is not weird???? The result of this is that she is living this job!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!! I have no lucky!!!!!
When finally after 1 year I get someone good she is living.
She is calm, quite, and she splits work with me. Oh well.
Other subject, just for fun.
One staff member today told me: Hey Mr. C. is saying that he doesn’t understand Miss D. anymore. He told me that one week she one person and other week she becomes another person. Hello!!!!!!!!!!! You stupid!!!!!!!!!!! What is the part you dint understand that she doesn’t need you anymore???? See, first she had me by her side to get ride of you, when you was gone she decided to have you by her side to get ride of me. You was used!!!!!!!! Hello!!! Like me.
Get over now, she doesn’t need you anymore because she already got what she wanted. What is the part you don’t understand that when she is sitting down she is always thinking???? Couldn’t you see that??? Couldn’t you see in her eyes that she is always thinking and trying to figure out what is going to be her next move???? Hello!!!!!!!!! Well Mr. C. too bad! Keep coming back
Today i was talking with my mentor about going to my country and what I could do for the company in order to not harm the company. I have been having this on my mind for a while. I was afraid because if I go over seas I want to be there at least 3 a 4 weeks. for my suprise the only thing he asked me was when I want to go!!!!
was so simple and he was so understandable!!! was amazing I dont have this on my shoulders anymore:)

Say hi to my new sponsee

this Stella the dog I sponsor


and this are my dogs

The place I am today

Well, let’s talk about my new experience. I changed units, and I dint quite want it. I don’t like change, but I trust in the people who decided to change me, and I know they have a plan. Anyway, the first day was horrible. I even got a huge headache. I didn’t know the clients, I didn’t know their names, and I dint know how they work over here, so I was complete lost. I felt really lost. The clients were looking at me like if I was some kind of guru, and they were expecting something. Of course they were expecting because I have here 3 clients who already know me, and they have been talking about me. I heard they say that I was going to figure then out in 10 seconds. I didn’t react to that. I am changing that. I am not showing them that I like to hear that. I just make a Jedi face = I visualize how Jedi reacted before to those comments, and I just do the same face like he does when someone tells him that he is brilliant. I wasn’t able yet to do a Miss Vale group, because I don’t feel secure enough to do it. So I am doing what I suppose to do, witch is know the clients. I have been working with a counselor. She does morning and I do evening. She is just like I pictured. She is calm, and she does her thing, and she doesn’t go I try to run and control. So the things go well, because I am like that too. I do my thing and I like to not be bored or control like the other counselors did to me. Yesterday I found myself saying to a client when she asks me what I was doing, I answer: can you believe I am not doing anything, can you believe it??? For the first time in 1 year I wasn’t not doing anything because this counselor doesn’t abuse me like other did. I was always the one doing everything. The clients from other unit told me: we miss you, and we miss your groups” my answer was: well, you got what you want. Now go do some quizzes as groups. The other counselor is what she does quiz because she doesn’t know what to talk about. She is what I call a counselor NA sponsor.
The new supervisor saw me yesterday and he said: I miss you! My stupid answer was: why? Lol, I am so stupid sometimes. The guy was just telling me that he miss me. He said that he likes to see me when he arrives and that is why he misses me.
Today another counselor form other unit told me the same: I miss your voice on the radio
Is good to hear these things, is really good.

My vision was right

My vision was right … the room on the left (office) - 1 - the room on the left from my last post- was taken right away. I even got a smile on my face, because is good too know that I wasn’t crazy, or getting into a dramatic drama. I was right, and more will be revealing. I thought that would take 1 month for my other vision, but I guess is starting sooner than I thought. My last QCC asked me to walk with him, and he said: did you see she took control of the office, and changed everything around??? Yes I saw, and yes I knew that would happen. I also knew that she was so jalousies of me that she wasn’t going to wait for me to change the office. She packed all my stuff without my authorization. She opened my draws, and she took everything I had. She broke my privacy because she was so in a hurry to get my office. Unbeliever, but is true. See, I didn’t see this coming. She sold an image of a good person. She sold an image of a person that is here to help you out. She is just a snake waiting to bit you. She knew it that she had to take control over the one who had more power. That one would be the LCDC on charge. She knew it I had resentments with him, so she fed that. I still remember the conversations she had about him, in order to feed me. She wanted that in order to get ride of him fast. Then will be my turn. I dint see it coming. Like she took the office without me be present she gang them up without me be present. She will smile on your face, and at same time she wills f. you up on your back. Well now I am gone so I am not going to have a problem with her. Now when she finds out the other one has a master degree, oh,oh. Anyway I will keep watching her manipulating everyone by been helpful, and bringing food. Are sad people like this. They are sick, almost like emotional serial killers. But at the end they are stupid because they get caught on their own mess, and ambitious. She could wait for me to take my office, and then she would be able to say that she spoke with me and we agreed on that. But NO she was stupid enough to show them that she did what she did because she is jalousies of me. When you read this you may think that she wants what I have, for instance the office, but no guys, isn’t about the office. What she wants is to be me, and that she cannot take from me.
I told my director that people like that normally they have luck in life. He didn’t agree, he said they run out of luck on of this days. I still believe they are the ones with luck in their life, because they are not aware of their self’s, so they just act bad, and because they are not aware they don’t feel guilty, so they don’t care. This woman is dangerous. If one day this woman gets a small position in here, that would be enough for her to try a high position, and destroy who she needs too. Ok, ok, you guys may think I am been dramatic again, if this is the case let me ask you something: did I was wrong before? I wasn’t hum.
I still remember that Wednesday when I was doing that training that she told me: you go girl, I miss you so much, and I can’t wait for you to come back girl.” Then in next day, she f. me up. She used a client who I took from the status team twice, because borrowing and leading ( the same client that she placed on prospect chair last week, for the same reason), and she notice that I had some of my clients mad at me because the smoke ban I gave them, and she just saw the lottery. She made that client to go out there and manipulated other clients against me. That client called names to other clients when they refused, and then what happen?
That client was stilling cookies from canteen, and other stuff in order to trade for cigarettes. She used her, and then when she got what she wanted from her, then she placed her on prospect chair. Ridiculous.
So this was I got. That behavior she had just takes me to one place. So let’s see it:
She states that she isn’t an addict. Hum, really….
Yes you are!
Why?
Simple, because you act like a sponsor, then you give them quizzes because you ate the basic text and you don’t know what to talk about or even process it. Then, just what you did tells me that you are not just an addict. You are an addict, and you were prostitute when you were using drugs. You act like the drug use, when a woman in that place feels threat by other woman, and you just get ride of her.
Was a matter of the time until I would figure out.
Now I am let you go, I am not going to waste my time anymore.
What goes around comes around, and I will be near to watch. By the way, was too late for you to put the computer on other desk. What happened? Guilty? Or shame? Don’t you see that is nothing that you can do now that is going to change what we had learned about you.
In my back I see the others back

I wrote this post Wednesday and I decide to just post today because I post everything I write too. I am not feeling angry anymore, because I am happy now in the place I am today. I am going to write some more about the place I am now .
Next post.