Frustration

What a day today. I came work at 6.30am and everything was about to change.
One of my clients was going to leave in 3 days and she just absconds. Ridiculous hum???
No….. Unfortunally was what I suspected. She is been a prostitute since young age, and she had become an addict to the streets. Is easier to her to go back to the streets than have a job, and a normal life. A normal life for her means prison, the lost of liberty.
Having a job, having a house, having to pay bills is a burn, a prison.
For her walking back and forward the streets is freedom. She uses, she wakes up when she wants to, she lives in the streets, doesn’t have to pay bills. The only way for this happen is going back to use drugs. I tried to give her that freedom by telling to go live with her children. She said she would, but once again, she would be prisoner, by justifying where she goes, what she does.
Sad, but true.
She absconds because she wants the institution takes care of her. Once she is in jail, they will feed her, bath her, and once again she doesn’t need to be responsible.
Everything happen today at work made me look at me. I felt myself vulnerable when I tried to figure out how my supervisor was looking at me. I didn’t say much at staff meeting, and I could see that, so was easy for me to understand I was feeling guilty, and shame…I had become a client to myself. This is the way I am feeling. Is like this week I have the wisdom to others but I don’t have it to myself. I see parts of me on them. All of them have something that I had, or still keep coming back. Wednesday isn’t very good to me. My qcc is over there, and I feel tense, and the environment becomes heavy to me. My CI book is not update since he left on vacation, so I keep feeding this resentment. He is playing games with me, until one of this days he gets a grievance from me, because my book. Anyway, moving on…I am with self pity attitude, witch is the word f… in my mouth.
A probation officer decided to unauthorized me, and that made me mad…. She thinks she knows what the best is for the clients. She doesn’t know shit. She is just too codependent. So I wonder how many she is going to do the same. I just wanted to tell her…F u.
Then a stupid call, asking why we don’t return the phone calls back. Jesus! Then I wanted to say to the director, stop making jokes, because you are not funny, and why are you waiting so long to make my supervisor director??? Then I look to the female who works with me, and I had become suspicious, thinking when I am not there they talk about me, and she is playing double side….. Then I felt “naked” exposed to my supervisor. In this week he knows everything about me. In a week I showed him all my weakness and I kept looking at him like a lost girl. I thought: shit girl, you are too crazy today…angry, paranoid. This is not about them; this is about you, and what you have been doing.
My head is full about to explode. Then I spoke with John, and he didn’t make sense anymore. I am too angry too feel stuff. So then I decided to follow my supervisor suggestion and I went to have dinner by myself. I couldn’t feel anything, because I was to obsess thinking about the woman who abscond, and the other with a cell phone.
I kept wondering: I am behaving like them???? The reason I am thinking this is because I kept talking about freedom this weekend. Point number 2; I kept acting on my sexual part. That is what scared me most.
Is time to make decisions, and maintain it. The way to find peace at this time is making decisions. I need to. I am feeling more anxious; poor listen skills, because I am to obsess with confusion.

I need to make decisions.

I just drove

what is normal?

Taurus / Rat

Being the first sign of the Chinese zodiac, rats are leaders, pioneers and conquerors. ( true. I am a leader not a follower). They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking.( true)strong> Rat people are endowed with great leadership skills and are the most highly organized, meticulous, and systematic of the twelve signs. Intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious ( true) and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include money and power( maybe that‘s why I have this thing with money). They are energetic (true, some call it ADD, lol )and versatile and can usually find their way around obstacles, ( I always find a way),and adapt to various environments easily. A rat's natural charm and sharp demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone, but rats are usually highly exclusive and selective when choosing friends and so often have only a few very close friends whom they trust. ( in America, just my supervisor, that’s all, no need no more, I think the rest are ignorant people, or I know more than them).

Behind the smiles and charm, rats can be terribly obstinate and controlling, insisting on having things their way no matter what the cost. ( yep).These people tend to have immense control of their emotions, which they may use as a tool to manipulate and exploit others, both emotionally and mentally. Rats are masters of mind games and can be very dangerous, calculative and downright cruel if the need arises.( yep). Quick-tempered and aggressive, they will not think twice about exacting revenge on those that hurt them in any way. Rats need to learn to relax sometimes, as they can be quite obsessed with detail, intolerant and strict, demanding order, obedience, and perfection.
A valuable lesson for Rats is to learn to consider others before themselves, at least sometimes, and to avoid forcing their ideas onto others. Rats are fair in their dealings and expect the same from others in return, and can be deeply affronted if they feel they have been deceived or that their trust has been abused. Sometimes they set their targets too high, whether in relation to their friends or in their career. But as the years pass, they will become more idealistic and tolerant. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats can find true happiness.

According to tradition, Rats often carry heavy karma and at some point in life may face an identity crisis or some kind of feeling of guilt. Rats are said to often have to work very long and hard for everything they may earn or have in life. However, a Rat born during the day is said to have things a bit easier than those who are born at night. Traditionally, Rats born during the night may face extreme hardships and suffering throughout life. Rats in general should guard themselves against hedonism and nostalgia, as it may lead to self-destruction. Gambling, alcohol and drugs tend to be great temptations to Rat natives.Traditionally, Rats should avoid Horses, but they can usually find their best friends and love interests in Monkeys, Dragons, and Oxen.

Professions include espionage, psychiatry, psychology, writing, politics, law, engineering, accounting, detective work, and pathology.
The Rat person is charming and ambitious. They are always busy and seldom able to relax fully. If not, they get bored easily or get bad tempered. They enjoy going to parties or having a quick round of chat.
Rats like to reach their goals by fair play. They are shrewd and not easy to be fooled.

Rats are lively, sociable and easy to get along. They are ambitious and like to see others put in an honest day's work. The Rat is a real family person and devoted to their loved ones and family. At home, does not reveal any of the mean personality traits.
Rats make good advisers to others but not to themselves and are generous to those they truly love even if not loved back.

Rats are also hardworking and thrifty and able to sense danger. Are honest and meticulous and intelligent.
On the negative side, Rats are practical but lack courage. Can be extravagant and greedy. If the Rat is not careful, the greedy side of the Rat could lead to all kinds of trouble.
Rats are secretive, self-indulging and self-seeking. They love to critize and gossip. Rats should avoid being over-work and being over-ambitious.
Avoid trusting another Rat or those born in the year of the Rabbit and Ram.
Positive Traits Meticulous, intelligent, shrewd, charismatic, charming, ambitious, practical, industrious, eloquent, artistic
Negative Traits Controlling, obstinate, venal, resentful, manipulative, mendacious, vindictive, power-driven, critical

The zodiacal Sign of Taurus commences on April 20th, but for seven days it does not come into its full power until on or about April 27th. From this date onwards it is in full strength until May 20th, and is then for seven days gradually losing its strength on account of becoming overlapped by the "cusp" of the incoming sign Gemini.

Taurus is the sign of practicality and possessions. People born under the sign of Taurus tend to be very patient, practical and dedicated people. Such people are usually very cautious when dealing with people, life and money. They have a curious power of dominating others, even when not conscious of trying to do so.

People who were born in that time are extremely faithful, with a strong need for security and a settled routine. Although they are very earthy, they can also be highly romantic and sensitive when it comes to love.

They have great power of endurance, both physical and mental, and can pass through enormous strains of fatigue as long as the excitement or determination lasts.

They make wonderful hosts and hostesses, and have great taste about food, and in the management of their houses they can make much out of little.

These people often become excellent directors, have good business intuition, but are generally considered richer than they really are, as they always dress well and look well.

They are governed by their sensations and by their loving nature, but affection has a greater hold on them than passion. Such people are also warm and sensual, with an appreciation of the fine things in life. Taurus is motivated by a need for security; this sign is good for business matters and can be trusted to carry things through with absolute care. These people are very strong-willed and often quite creative. The Moon is exalted in Taurus, giving success with matters to do with the public and, combined with the influence of Venus, a passionate nature endowed with a strong sense of loyalty and fidelity. They are kind and generous with friends, with whom they develop an unspoken rapport.

If they love, they are generous to the last degree, and will consider no sacrifice too great for the person they care for; if they are enemies, they will fight with the most determined obstinacy. But they always fight in the open, for they hate trickiness, double-dealing, or deceit.

They are easily influenced by their surroundings, and become morbid and morose when trying to live under uncongenial conditions.

They are also too easily misled by their emotions, sensations, or affections.

As a rule both sexes are jealous in their disposition, and their jealousy often drives them into acts of violence or sudden exhibition of temper, which they bitterly regret when the storm is over.

They are at their best are typically strong and silent, but often appear ignorant and willfully obstinate to others.

They have an innate sense of harmony, rhythm and color, and often are very successful in music, poetry and art. Those born in this sign have an ability to become the most faithful, loyal friends. They also make good, patient nurses and healers, and almost all have a keen love of gardening and flowers

Bargaining

What I didn't tell yet about my treatment

LOL, oops....
Today I was talking with some of the clients and came to my mind my behavior in treatment,lol.
So let's start from the beginning.

how I showed up there:

I showed up there very arrogant, telling them what they should be doing

sex games???? I was the best.. Got 3 BC. 2 of them in primary treatment, 1 at halfway house

deviation??? yep, twice. Told counselor that I was going to dentist, went to meet a guy who was in primary with me.. just had a coffee with him, lol.
second time, went to the movies with my ex boyfriend at that time during my weekend pass.

threat of violence??? yep, more than I can remember...mostly when I was confronted, lol

did I abscond???? yes I did. I was almost done with treatment ( 2 weeks missing), when I had my last and huge fight with the men who were with me in treatment.
I remember at that morning they came to wake me up and I said: Fuck off.:(
I waited for my counselor, and I had my suite cases at the door, and I told him: I am leaving.
he said: wait a minute, let's talk about it, just give me a minute. I didn't, I took off.
I still have a resentment with that, because I was alone with 20 men, and they knew it they were making my life miserable, since day 1. Was my 5th month and they didn't anything about it. The night monitor kept telling them, what was going on beetween me and them, but their answer was: if you can handle live with 20 men here, you will be able to handle with any kind of men outside.
well, that didn't make an expert, like I believe that it would, lol.
I hated them so muchhhhhhh.
My duties was all the time cooking. I got into a fight because of that. Their answer was that I was the only one who knew how to cook.
I stole a lot of cigarettes to them, lol.... was caught!lol
I confronted them in front of their counselors just to make them look bad, when they was looking so good, lol... I was mean!!! :)
I still hold that resentment, because I still wonder if I had become more successfully than them, lol

Overwhelmed day

I had my caseload today. I looked around, were there 11 clients, and then I thought that just two of them will successed. Made me sad. I kept thinking what else could i have done for them, how could I change the future.Criminal minds but also brilliante minds who made poor decisions. I know I did my best, I did what I knew at this time.
Today is a overwhelemed day. Every one is like that today. All of us struggle yesterday, and that ahd an affect...break all of us down. 3 of them ran, one of them was my client. The first thought I had was: I should give her more atention. Maybe I am still very egocentric by thinking was my fault. I say that because when I think was my fault is like if I had power or control over, and I DON'T!
I am just a counselor, a guide, no more no less. Watching them go, is like one peace of me is gone. The only thing came out of my mouth was: my baby is gone. Is the way I look to them, lost children, who had learn to survive by doing criminal behaivor.
Yesterday I kept hearing a client saying: I have anger issues, and I am here to learn". She is been saying that since her first day. So yesterday I answer to that: " your time is up; it;s time now to say the true. So , tell me, who broke your heart? your mother or father?
She broke down, crying so hard she couldn't stop. She had a panic attack. I gave her a bag to breath, and she was crying and screamming. The lady from JQT kept asking: why she is crying, God!!! doing a wierd face. I look to her and I thought: you dont have a clue what you are asking me, do you.
That client was with her big sister, the one she hated until yesterday. I asked her:
ow many years you didnt cry?
she said 7 years. I dont cry for 7 years.
I knew that panic attack was because of that.
today she told me: hey, I am feeling wierd. I am calm, and I even walk, and talk slow.
she is in peace.
I remember that sensation.

Health care f.... up

Splitting this in two realities

USA

I am been sick without a clue what was going on. I kept throwing up, and had red spots coming from I don't know where. Is not very normal for me to get sick, so when I starting feel right way that something is going wrong with me.
I started feeling dizzy, and cold, and have the need to get a jacket in summer time, so that told me that something was wrong.
Told my husband: cannot go walk the dogs, I am feeling sick.
His answer: no you are not!
YES I AM! I CAN FEEL IT!
I kept throwing up, and sweating while I was cold.
Monday night: I had a huge stomach pain. I couldn't move with that pain. Why? I don’t know. What I know is people gave me heartburn to take.
Isn't unbeliever??? I took Advil, and heartburn!
Been like this for 4 days.

Tuesday:

I was telling the reactions to my supervisor. I know I was sick, but I couldn't tell what was. He breaks it down for me by saying: maybe is food poison.
I open the refrigerator, and there it was the answer....MUSSLUMS.

PORTUGAL

Get sick, don't know what is??? Simple, emergency room, test, results in 4 hours, meds prescription, (the right meds)
COST? 0
Time to fix the problem? 1 day.

Well, I don't need to keep going on this, right? It’s clear the difference
look now in this video my hospital in Lisbon...luxury, and free

The law of attraction

My mentor told me :Great leaders make decisions quickly and change their minds slowly. Unsuccessful people make decisions slowly and change their minds quickly.
I cant finger out where I belong. Maybe one of this days I will finger out.
I came to work and I found out one of my clients left. I wasn't expect, and no one was.
Dammmmmmm, I felt it! I feel sad.
I felt her lost, I even became overwhelmed, which is not abnormal because, I am already overwhelmed with the things in my life that aren't going like I believe it could.
my first thought was, what I didn't do for her; did I miss anything? Did she need me more? all this questions came to my mind. what I could do I didn't do?
A lost child went to hit the pipe again. I know she will come back, and that time she would be stronger.
believe or not I see her as one day become a counselor, or a good sponsor.
she will come back, one day.
I looked to the clients and all of them were overwhelmed, and was a very negative environment. They were scared, and close. I thought : yep, they were.

Yesterday I saw a show, and they were saying that we need to imagine our future, a good future, and the universe will give us that, the low of attraction.
Made great sense to me. was like I found a new way to exercise my spirit.
I kept thinking if I could imagine my future in my Love e area, and sanely I had a vision of a 4/7 years old boy, very blond running in living room.
the low of attraction makes us believe that will be possible. We attract good energy.
But for that to happen we have to make good decisions.
we decide first, we which after.
surrender...

That is, a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, and beliefs cause a change in the physical world that attracts positive or negative experiences that correspond to the aforementioned thoughts, with or without the person taking action to attain such experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction",or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience".
OK, then, so how I see myself, my future:
I see myself as making a difference. I want to find out something never found before. prove something.
I see myself as recognize one of the best counselors in world.
I see myself be a speaker, giving classes to the counselors.
I see myself publishing a book.
I see myself being owner of a treatment center with my mentor.
I see a big American house, my house.
I see me more spiritual, not argumentative.
I see myself in peace.
I see myself having an animal shelter.
I see myself as a lcdc.
I see myself as a international counselor.
this is what I which
the law of attraction says if I which I get it:) I hope so.

Sex and Recovery

Yesterday at lunch time I notice the clients started to say:

- NO bread, NO butter please

- NO, NO, NO butter, NO bread

Those are the elders and the 3b, so that means they are the ones who are almost done with their treatment.
I went over them and I said: no butter and bread hum??!! So, who are the ones getting ready to have sex???
Mostly of them put their hands up, some putted both hands.
They started laugh, and saying they have to lose weight, what I answer:
Why at the end of you treatment? You are losing weigh now because you are making yourself ready to have sex.
And they agree with what I said.
I thought: I need to make them land in treatment again, but I can not say that isn’t ok to have sex so soon, so I need to find away…other ways to send the message, and let them thing that was their idea, not mine.

Today at 9 am my brain started work, and I had an amazing idea.
Called them up, and I circle all of them.
I told to 5 of them to go to the middle of the circle with pillows.
No one understood what was going on, the counselor must be crazy, lol.
Then I said:

One at the time goes beat up the pillows, and I wanted you to say: I hate you because…..
Guess what showed up????

I hate you because you molested me

I hate you because you left me alone with our children

I hate you because you abandoned me

I hate you mom because you never care for me

I hate you because you died

I hated because I was just a little girl

I hate you because I am tired to been abused by men

I hate you because is my second time in treatment

I hate you because you destroy my life

I hate because you was messing around


All of them started crying, because they were feeling their own pain, and their sister’s pain
They knew exactly what their sisters were feeling, because they are one of them, in these abusive relationships.

At 10 am I circle them up again, and the group was an audio book named: verbally abusive relationships.

The message is simple: what is beyond, hide sex?

What comes with sex?

What is next?

Are you ready to have sex without to be abuse?

Can you handle it now?

Are you sure that is what matters?

Are you sure??

What really happens when you have sex?

What you have not been talking about?

What is the reality?

I believe now they are not horny anymore

At the end I told them:

so you still want to have sex? :) welcome to treatment again:


11.30 am all of them ate bread :) ;)

Today

I am so tired today. I was thinking why I ma so tired. I thought about my work, and I came to realize that I work almost the same, so couldn't be my work. I am feeling overwhelmed,and I realized I am emotional tired. Is in this time I think I am not being good to myself. I feel too much, when is about me. I found out when I am tired is when I take off, lol, what some call ADD, lol. Is like my brain is about to explode. One of the things that relax me is when I am double staff I take off and I go talk with my supervisor. I don't know why but I feel in peace when I am talking with him. other thing is doing individual sessions. when I do I feel in peace. right, I don't know why!!!! while I was writing this , I realized the reason I get peace is because I stop obsessed over me, and give attention to others. today I already did 4 individual sessions, and I am in peace, but also bored. in the morning I picked up " my favorite clients" to start my morning well. when I say favorite clients is the ones who make me laugh. Today I am tired, and bored!

blackmail vs relapse pervention

IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU:


- Why do you still need to go to 12 steps meetings???

- You are an ex. addict

- Your kind; your kind of people

- A normal person wouldn't date an ex. addict /addict

- You need to be away of NA people, in order to forget the past


OK, so now let's translate all of this.... what is beyond this? What is the message?

Simple;

First, someone like this has high level of intelligence, because words like that can have a huge impact, and end up killing someone.

If you are not aware of what this means, if you can not translate it right way, you wouldn't be able to change the way you think, and at the end you will end up feeling guilty.
Once you feel that powerful feeling named guilty, you are condoned!

Translation:

QUESTION - Why do you still need to go to 12 steps meetings???

TRANSLATION - I should be the most important thing in your life, not the meetings

QUESTION - you are ex. addict

TRANSLATION - you don't need them, you have me

QUESTION - - your kind; your kind of people

TRANSLATION - YOUR kind = abnormal = problematic = weak = different = alien = E.T., lol

QUESTION - - You need to be away of NA people, in order to forget the past

TRANSLATION - You need to live for me

Skill manipulators hum:)

This manipulation is quite, yet they are powerful effective.
Often these instances of manipulation get label miscommunication, but at the end this just has one name - power struggles - EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL = VAMPIRES.
Something like that will lead you to feel guilty, and to feel you are a bad person, or uncapable to have a relationship, BUT, if you learn how to translate this you will find out what is beyond this.
Beyond this is a very skill manipulator who is very insecure and codependent.
This person is terrified. This person believes that he/she is going to lose you if you be around of other people.
I asked my client what they would do in a situation like this. the answers were many.
one of them said:
" if you really love me you would let me go"
to that I reply: well, you are almost saying to him how sorry you are to be an addict.
Mostly of the answers were like this one. the person feels the need to apologise for the need to go to a meeting, or apologise to be who they are... mostly of them they used the word : IF YOU..... LOVE ME, CARE FOR ME, ETC...

IF doesn't happen....keep it real! they don't love you already.
they don't have space for you in their egocentric world.
I believe that love is understanding, compassion, friendship
the manipulators are what we called = emotional not available.
the clients asked :
what you would say?
I would say:
I go because I want to, because I have that right!
Be assertive.
here the thing, when you let people emotional abuse you, is half way for them to get the other 2.... verbal abuse, physical abuse.
Your inside right way tells you that something is wrong, that no one should tell you those things. If you don't knowledge become self doubt, and self doubt can take the form of statement" I know what I know, but I can't know it"

why?
because if I face reality, that means I will no longer be in denial, and then I will have to make a hard decision = let go the person, break up, lost of the person, and as an addicts we even don't like to loose a button.
Our knowlege feels unconfortable, dangerous, and we feel we cant face the changes we had have to make if we accepted our perceptions as true.

denial - self manipulation

maybe he isnt so bad
maybe he needs more attention
I should understand him more

continue....