A culpa tem uma irmã que é a vergonha, pois andam sempre juntas.
Não há culpa sem vergonha e nem vergonha sem culpa.
Torna-se por vezes curioso observar as pessoas que agiram de uma forma incorrecta a sentirem essa culpa e vergonha.
Os olhos delas procuram os nossos à procura de possíveis pistas sobre:
- Se sabemos?
- O que aconteceu?
- O que foi dito e falado.
Hoje dei por mim a pensar:
As pessoas que eu temo mais são as pessoas que na infância não tiveram bases sólidas.
Muitas delas evoluem e quebram o ciclo.
Outra tornam-se adultos muito perigosos.
sexta-feira, 21 de fevereiro de 2020
domingo, 2 de fevereiro de 2020
A Honestidade tem Limites?
Sim, a honestidade tem limites tal como nos diz o 9º passo.
...Reparamos danos caso isso não vá prejudicar outros...
Sou impotente. Nada posso fazer para mudar o que já aconteceu.
Dizer a verdade iria provocar danos irreparáveis em alguns casos.
Saber viver calada é saber ter maturidade para lidar com alguns assuntos de vida que as vezes aparecem, sabendo assim distinguir as coisas umas das outras.
Por vezes fazemos de forma a proteger quem mais amamos, ou a nossa família.
Aprendemos a pedir ajuda e a lidar com os que nos são mais chegados, quando o problema ou acontecimento surge.
Há coisas familiares que por vezes têm que ser resolvidas dentro do meio familiar onde a família obtém apoio uns dos outros.
Também poderemos falar com amigos de NA, madrinha ou padrinho sobre o acontecimento de forma a obter algum feed back.
Nas reuniões falamos de nós e não dos outros.
Devido a isso temos que ter cuidado com que até que ponto estaremos a expôr os que mais amamos.
Sendo assim, a honestidade torna-se limitada quando poderá prejudicar mais do que ajudar.
...Reparamos danos caso isso não vá prejudicar outros...
Sou impotente. Nada posso fazer para mudar o que já aconteceu.
Dizer a verdade iria provocar danos irreparáveis em alguns casos.
Saber viver calada é saber ter maturidade para lidar com alguns assuntos de vida que as vezes aparecem, sabendo assim distinguir as coisas umas das outras.
Por vezes fazemos de forma a proteger quem mais amamos, ou a nossa família.
Aprendemos a pedir ajuda e a lidar com os que nos são mais chegados, quando o problema ou acontecimento surge.
Há coisas familiares que por vezes têm que ser resolvidas dentro do meio familiar onde a família obtém apoio uns dos outros.
Também poderemos falar com amigos de NA, madrinha ou padrinho sobre o acontecimento de forma a obter algum feed back.
Nas reuniões falamos de nós e não dos outros.
Devido a isso temos que ter cuidado com que até que ponto estaremos a expôr os que mais amamos.
Sendo assim, a honestidade torna-se limitada quando poderá prejudicar mais do que ajudar.
terça-feira, 24 de dezembro de 2019
O Ser Humano Auto Compensa-se em Dezembro
Durante o ano todo o ser humano esforça-se diariamente.
Sobre seus ombros recaem várias responsabilidades diárias.
Cumprir horários, trabalho, casa, família, pagamentos de contas, comer de forma saudável etc...
A nível emocional auto estimula-se diariamente para corresponder a todas as expectativas exigidas pela vida.
Quando chega Dezembro começa haver um alívio e o ser humano auto permite-se a auto compensar-se.
Finalmente o ser humano respira!
Auto compensa-se e recompensa os outros, com prendas, compras para si, comer em excesso.
Fica mais amável, têm mais compaixão pois não sente tanto medo de se tornar vulnerável perante os outros visto que os outros também estão na mesma sintonia.
Há uma identificação geral de sentimentos e comportamentos entre os mortais.
É OK relaxar.
É OK sentir.
O ser humano torna-se mais simpático.
O Natal leva a permissão de dar e receber sem medo da rejeição.
O ser humano sente-se livre para dar e receber.
O ser humano deseja um ao outro umas festas felizes, porque de facto esta feliz e quer partilhar essa felicidade.
Há espaço para a humildade, boa vontade.
Com a chegado do final de ano abre-se o espaço para a fé, força e esperança.
Muitas promessas são feitas à meia noite.
Com essas promessas aparece a regeneração do ser que se começa a preparar para um novo ano.
Uma fé instala-se de que o próximo ano será melhor.
Há esperança no ar! Respira-se esperança!
Em Dezembro o ser humano sente-se verdadeiramente livre para amar o próximo.
Durante os tempo sempre se ouviu dizer " Hipocrisia! Só no Natal é que isto acontece", " Natal deveria de ser todos os dias"
Nunca se entendeu muito bem este fenómeno Natalício.
Pois bem, chama-se auto compensação.
O ser humano auto compensa-se quando se permite (finalmente) a dar e a receber.
O ser humano auto compensa-se quando se permite a dar espaço a fé, força e esperança.
Por isso se sente livre para amar e receber, pois aplica os princípios espirituais na sua vida.
A isso se chama Espiritualidade.
Agora imaginem o seguinte,
Imaginem que durante o próximo ano decidem que para além das responsabilidades exigidas pela vida, e da disciplina exigida pela vida, decidem arranjar espaço diário para continuar a deixar que os princípios espirituais estejam presentes no dia a dia.
Garanto-vos que terão um ano com maior Serenidade.
Boas Festas.
Sobre seus ombros recaem várias responsabilidades diárias.
Cumprir horários, trabalho, casa, família, pagamentos de contas, comer de forma saudável etc...
A nível emocional auto estimula-se diariamente para corresponder a todas as expectativas exigidas pela vida.
Quando chega Dezembro começa haver um alívio e o ser humano auto permite-se a auto compensar-se.
Finalmente o ser humano respira!
Auto compensa-se e recompensa os outros, com prendas, compras para si, comer em excesso.
Fica mais amável, têm mais compaixão pois não sente tanto medo de se tornar vulnerável perante os outros visto que os outros também estão na mesma sintonia.
Há uma identificação geral de sentimentos e comportamentos entre os mortais.
É OK relaxar.
É OK sentir.
O ser humano torna-se mais simpático.
O Natal leva a permissão de dar e receber sem medo da rejeição.
O ser humano sente-se livre para dar e receber.
O ser humano deseja um ao outro umas festas felizes, porque de facto esta feliz e quer partilhar essa felicidade.
Há espaço para a humildade, boa vontade.
Com a chegado do final de ano abre-se o espaço para a fé, força e esperança.
Muitas promessas são feitas à meia noite.
Com essas promessas aparece a regeneração do ser que se começa a preparar para um novo ano.
Uma fé instala-se de que o próximo ano será melhor.
Há esperança no ar! Respira-se esperança!
Em Dezembro o ser humano sente-se verdadeiramente livre para amar o próximo.
Durante os tempo sempre se ouviu dizer " Hipocrisia! Só no Natal é que isto acontece", " Natal deveria de ser todos os dias"
Nunca se entendeu muito bem este fenómeno Natalício.
Pois bem, chama-se auto compensação.
O ser humano auto compensa-se quando se permite (finalmente) a dar e a receber.
O ser humano auto compensa-se quando se permite a dar espaço a fé, força e esperança.
Por isso se sente livre para amar e receber, pois aplica os princípios espirituais na sua vida.
A isso se chama Espiritualidade.
Agora imaginem o seguinte,
Imaginem que durante o próximo ano decidem que para além das responsabilidades exigidas pela vida, e da disciplina exigida pela vida, decidem arranjar espaço diário para continuar a deixar que os princípios espirituais estejam presentes no dia a dia.
Garanto-vos que terão um ano com maior Serenidade.
Boas Festas.
sexta-feira, 20 de dezembro de 2019
Falar do que importa
Há pessoas que insistem em falar de drogas como se nada mais tivessem a dizer.
Ausentam-se de factores primários que os levaram á dependência das drogas.
Na minha opinião é muito importante aprender a falar de sentimentos.
Aprender a falar de situações especificas que aconteceram durante a infância e adolescência, de forma a encontrar a verdade de como as drogas tiveram espaço para dar entrada na vida das pessoas.
As consequências das drogas podem ser visíveis.
As vezes fisicamente, outras emocionalmente, ou ambas.
Nós sabemos os nomes das drogas.
Nós conhecemos as drogas.
Nós sabemos as suas consequências.
O que nós queremos saber é como nós vamos nos identificar com quem partilha.
Queremos mais intimidade e estamos sedentos dela.
A intimidade só é gerada quando alguém fala de sentimos e assim conseguimos reconhecer em nós esses sentimos e assim nos identificamos.
Ausentam-se de factores primários que os levaram á dependência das drogas.
Na minha opinião é muito importante aprender a falar de sentimentos.
Aprender a falar de situações especificas que aconteceram durante a infância e adolescência, de forma a encontrar a verdade de como as drogas tiveram espaço para dar entrada na vida das pessoas.
As consequências das drogas podem ser visíveis.
As vezes fisicamente, outras emocionalmente, ou ambas.
Nós sabemos os nomes das drogas.
Nós conhecemos as drogas.
Nós sabemos as suas consequências.
O que nós queremos saber é como nós vamos nos identificar com quem partilha.
Queremos mais intimidade e estamos sedentos dela.
A intimidade só é gerada quando alguém fala de sentimos e assim conseguimos reconhecer em nós esses sentimos e assim nos identificamos.
segunda-feira, 16 de dezembro de 2019
Exercício para combate de tristeza ou depressão
Muitas vezes dá a sensação de que tudo corre mal...
Muitas vezes passa-se por situações complicadas. A nossa forma humana muitas vezes é alimentar isso. Não alimentes o problema! Vai logo para a solução!
Muitas vezes dá a sensação de que tudo corre mal.
Muitas vezes passa-se por situações complicadas.
A nossa forma humana muitas vezes é alimentar isso.
Não alimentes o problema! Vai logo para a solução!
Muitas vezes passa-se por situações complicadas.
A nossa forma humana muitas vezes é alimentar isso.
Não alimentes o problema! Vai logo para a solução!
Faz uma lista de gratidão, e começa pelas coisas simples, como:
- Estou grata por ter água.
- Estou grata por ter luz.
- Estou grata por ter acordado hoje.
- Estou grata pela comida.
- Estou grata por ter esta ou aquela pessoa na minha vida.
- Estou grata por ter trabalho.
- Estou grata pelo sol de hoje.
- Estou grata por ter um TLM.
Seja aquilo, que for, mesmo sendo ridículo, continua a tua lista e coloca o que te apetecer.
O teu subconsciente começa a receber a informação de GRATIDÃO.
A GRATIDÃO É UM ANTIDOTO À AUTO PIEDADE.
É assim que a Lei do Universo funciona!
A GRATIDÃO É UM ANTIDOTO À AUTO PIEDADE.
É assim que a Lei do Universo funciona!
Rodeia o teu cérebro de gratidão e o mundo irá atrair para ti mais coisas que te irás sentir grata!
domingo, 15 de dezembro de 2019
Muitos anos já se passaram...
Muitos anos já se passaram desde que comecei este Blogue.
Com os anos houve mais descobertas.
Com os anos também foi mudando a minha forma de ver as coisas.
Mesmo assim escolhi deixar aqui os velhos Posts para serem lidos.
Irei agora abordar mais coisas que vão para além da adicção.
Espero que gostem e continuem a lerem-me.
Ivone
Com os anos houve mais descobertas.
Com os anos também foi mudando a minha forma de ver as coisas.
Mesmo assim escolhi deixar aqui os velhos Posts para serem lidos.
Irei agora abordar mais coisas que vão para além da adicção.
Espero que gostem e continuem a lerem-me.
Ivone
segunda-feira, 25 de junho de 2018
TRAIÇÃO
Ontem vi um programa que se debatia sobre se o Sexo Virtual é considerado traição. Há sempre aquela percepção de que como não se toca na mulher"não o é"…
Por isso, tanto cliente como a Webcam Girl decidem a forma como ver a coisa, conforme lhes é mais confortável emocionalmente!
Qualquer pessoa é livre de entrar em negação, racionalização e justificação!
Neste debate podia-se entender que cada vez mais a traição que outrora era uma "regra", um valor moral, se está a tornar mais num conceito, pois a forma como se vê está a largar as raízes católicas.
Uma das coisas que se continua a ouvir é "há que haver diálogo" entre os pares.
Que poderia ser uma decisão em conjunto.
Poder pode e é OK, mas também iria-se perder o impulsionador "do acto" que é a adrenalina.
A adrenalina da traição é o ponto crucial do ser humano.
O diálogo seria bom se o par tiver o mesmo conceito.
Ao passar a ser aceitável perde-se a adrenalina e o desejo de procura diminui.
Ao passar a ser aceitável perde-se a adrenalina e o desejo de procura diminui.
Temos que ter limites e um dos limites é o de primeiro verificar se seria OK para o outro abordar esta situação.
Possivelmente o outro poderia pedir o divórcio!!!! E depois? Dizia-se: "Estava a brincar!"
Estes supostos diálogos que se deve ter entre os pares é muito bonito e por vezes é dito de forma leviana.
Há casais que precisam de um support system = suporte de outros, para poderem em grupo ou com alguém certificado para isso, de forma a que primariamente se estabeleça um local seguro para ambos.
Muitas vezes é necessária a continuação de forma a que se consigam quebrar estigmas, preconceitos, conceitos, e assim, de uma forma saudável, um dos pares decidir o que é melhor para si mesmo e para a relação!
Entra-se para uma relação com determinadas regras e comportamentos e o querer mudar isso pode-se tornar bastante assustador para um dos pares e pode mesmo levá-lo(a) à depressão devido a uma quebra de auto-estima fulminante!
Dá-se um ênfase enorme ao Sexo quando na verdade há vários comportamentos e escolhas que também se podem chamar de traição!
Tudo aquilo que é feito em segredo, onde se sabe que para o par não é OK, pode ser chamado de traição!
Um exemplo básico e simples pode ser o de levantar dinheiro de uma conta conjunta sem autorização do outro e ir gastar esse dinheiro em jogo, por exemplo.
Traição aplica-se a tudo que se faz quando há uma consciência que o outro seria contra ou iria magoar o outro.
Por isso, e para além de se estar a tornar um conceito, continua a ser uma decisão pessoal e uma escolha pessoal.
A traição pode acontecer quando o EU quer sair um pouco da pressão!
Nunca e em tempo algum um homem ou uma mulher deverá dizer ao seu par que o traiu só porque sente culpa e vergonha!
É uma forma egoísta de se libertar da culpa e vergonha e transferi-la para o seu par!
O "traidor" é libertado.
O "traído" é feito refém da culpa - "se eu fosse mais magra, se eu tivesse mais sexo, se eu fosse mais bonita, se, se, se..."
Feito refém pela vergonha = Começa-se a comparar com outras pessoas e como está sobre culpa e vergonha, todas e todos parecem ter mais bom aspecto.
Acabam, muitas vezes, A QUERER SABER COM QUEM FOI, de forma a se compararem e a "chicotear" comparando-se com a outra(o).
quinta-feira, 2 de setembro de 2010
sexta-feira, 16 de abril de 2010
love - relationships
What really means to like someone?
How that does it feel?
Well, I have been having all my life dramatic relationships.
I believed at that time that love or be with someone would implicate strong feelings and a good make up!
Today I am afraid of the word " make up"
I would fight and argue in the relationships in order to make up.
My relationships all base on make up.
As a counselor I had learned that has to do with the abandonement. I sabotaged in order to restart.
When the relationship was OK I would get bored.
Now I love that what I would call boring.
I made new choices base on what I learned.
I said before that I hate make up now because its not what I want anymore. I don't want figths, screams , or arguments
I want a relationship base on spirituality!
That doesn't mean that isn't there a rush. Of course is there the rush of being in love. But thge most importante is we can go wild but we do it in peace.
Today I like a relatonship that brings me tranquality and peace of mind!
I love the touch and just be there. .. Just feeling.
I am not there anymore to control or to be controled.
Isn't a game anymore!
When I feel that I am getting into a relationship that would bring anxiety I right way end up it.
I truely believe that universe knows what to do and what to bring us.
So people love and be love!
If u see that the person who is with you doesn't undertstand you or don't treat in a equal way, so u may want get the F... Out of there soon as possible.
Live love
Live passion
But please... Don't live drama!
Done :)
Ivone V.
How that does it feel?
Well, I have been having all my life dramatic relationships.
I believed at that time that love or be with someone would implicate strong feelings and a good make up!
Today I am afraid of the word " make up"
I would fight and argue in the relationships in order to make up.
My relationships all base on make up.
As a counselor I had learned that has to do with the abandonement. I sabotaged in order to restart.
When the relationship was OK I would get bored.
Now I love that what I would call boring.
I made new choices base on what I learned.
I said before that I hate make up now because its not what I want anymore. I don't want figths, screams , or arguments
I want a relationship base on spirituality!
That doesn't mean that isn't there a rush. Of course is there the rush of being in love. But thge most importante is we can go wild but we do it in peace.
Today I like a relatonship that brings me tranquality and peace of mind!
I love the touch and just be there. .. Just feeling.
I am not there anymore to control or to be controled.
Isn't a game anymore!
When I feel that I am getting into a relationship that would bring anxiety I right way end up it.
I truely believe that universe knows what to do and what to bring us.
So people love and be love!
If u see that the person who is with you doesn't undertstand you or don't treat in a equal way, so u may want get the F... Out of there soon as possible.
Live love
Live passion
But please... Don't live drama!
Done :)
Ivone V.
segunda-feira, 15 de março de 2010
bad luck vs hard life
Everything was going just fine until last monday.
I was home ready to sleep and I though about going to facebook webpage. Once there I got an email saying that my mothers house was burning out.
I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I went over there and I got in touch with a very sad picture. The cat was dead. The house was burn and she was ok like if it didn't matter.
She was not in touch with reality and I have doubts if she already is.
I didn't tear apart. Until today I didn't !
Is like I...
Is just wierd how easy I didn't get emotional.
So here I am dealing with this and I DON'T WANT IT!
I just want to run and hide and be very far away.
I keep looking at my mother and have contradictions feelings.
I guess that's why I didn't tear appart or even didn't allow myself to have to.
I look at her and sometimes I feel sorry for her.
Other times I look and a question " how you dare have made me your mother since my young age? "
I wonder when this is going to end and I wonder if I am going to be free ...one day
Isn't fair. But as someone told me " life isn't fair"
But I am so fucking tired of this fair thing!
Were moments that I questioned God!
Hell yeah, why shouldn't I question Him!
Were meoments - may mean guilty of some kind of ofense towards GOD!
Today. I am writing this because I am angry and deeply sad.
I am also scared!
Don't know exactly how to handle with this situation and having my neighbors trying to take her out of there.
I am also scared for my mother.
My head is blowing up.
My boyfriend is working by my side and as handle with this with me, but I am ressenting him and all the world.
You may want to call it self pity. I call it bad luck and hard life.
I was home ready to sleep and I though about going to facebook webpage. Once there I got an email saying that my mothers house was burning out.
I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I went over there and I got in touch with a very sad picture. The cat was dead. The house was burn and she was ok like if it didn't matter.
She was not in touch with reality and I have doubts if she already is.
I didn't tear apart. Until today I didn't !
Is like I...
Is just wierd how easy I didn't get emotional.
So here I am dealing with this and I DON'T WANT IT!
I just want to run and hide and be very far away.
I keep looking at my mother and have contradictions feelings.
I guess that's why I didn't tear appart or even didn't allow myself to have to.
I look at her and sometimes I feel sorry for her.
Other times I look and a question " how you dare have made me your mother since my young age? "
I wonder when this is going to end and I wonder if I am going to be free ...one day
Isn't fair. But as someone told me " life isn't fair"
But I am so fucking tired of this fair thing!
Were moments that I questioned God!
Hell yeah, why shouldn't I question Him!
Were meoments - may mean guilty of some kind of ofense towards GOD!
Today. I am writing this because I am angry and deeply sad.
I am also scared!
Don't know exactly how to handle with this situation and having my neighbors trying to take her out of there.
I am also scared for my mother.
My head is blowing up.
My boyfriend is working by my side and as handle with this with me, but I am ressenting him and all the world.
You may want to call it self pity. I call it bad luck and hard life.
sexta-feira, 5 de março de 2010
its the silence gold?
Is the silence gold?
I rember one day I walked into my ex directo office and I said " why I fight so much for what I believe? Why I just don't shut up?"
I was trying to remember his answer but I don't!
I do remember that we went through this subject and I was feeling bad about it.
I was having some kind of the problems at work because I couldn't shut up and I would fight for what I believed. At the end people would look at me as if I was crazy and I was left alone.
So didn't work very well ivones fight!
For some reason I am quite now. I don't fight like before and I shut up when I see no point going through all this process.
Its is that good?
Am I avoiding something?
Or finnaly I am letting go when I see bull shit?
Not sure about it!
What I know is when I decided to shut up I transfer my energies to something else.
See, I don't like anymore that side of me who would tell people how smart I was and how clear I was, and I was on their game so they couldn't decived me!
Yeah, was a waste of time and would appear arrogant and at same time naive!
The true was, if I was so smart why the hell I would go through all that fight and try to proove something?
I guess I don't need that as much as a did before!
I am like I am, and I have my own oppinions and people around me don't need to be like me or think like me.
That also makes me unique since is no one like me. So its good to have our own way of thought.
This change also gets me to a place that I am become less impulsive.
So like one ex collegue I had would say " its all good" :)
I rember one day I walked into my ex directo office and I said " why I fight so much for what I believe? Why I just don't shut up?"
I was trying to remember his answer but I don't!
I do remember that we went through this subject and I was feeling bad about it.
I was having some kind of the problems at work because I couldn't shut up and I would fight for what I believed. At the end people would look at me as if I was crazy and I was left alone.
So didn't work very well ivones fight!
For some reason I am quite now. I don't fight like before and I shut up when I see no point going through all this process.
Its is that good?
Am I avoiding something?
Or finnaly I am letting go when I see bull shit?
Not sure about it!
What I know is when I decided to shut up I transfer my energies to something else.
See, I don't like anymore that side of me who would tell people how smart I was and how clear I was, and I was on their game so they couldn't decived me!
Yeah, was a waste of time and would appear arrogant and at same time naive!
The true was, if I was so smart why the hell I would go through all that fight and try to proove something?
I guess I don't need that as much as a did before!
I am like I am, and I have my own oppinions and people around me don't need to be like me or think like me.
That also makes me unique since is no one like me. So its good to have our own way of thought.
This change also gets me to a place that I am become less impulsive.
So like one ex collegue I had would say " its all good" :)
reservations why that happen?
Seams like I am full back to writing stuff!
Today I was waiting for the train to go home and I start to think about reservations.
What they are?
What they are use for?
Are they some of mechanism of defense?
I guess they are too.
Are too because it can be use in two ways.
Reservations is always what you don't say. What you don't share. Those are little secrets that you keep in your head.
I also call it a backup plan.
Reservations its human!
Reservations are use to avoid pain and normally works like this " if this doesn't work I will..." " Maybe if... I will get better luck"
Reservations and denial are smiliar or maybe the same, its up to you how you look it.
People can get caught on their own reservations if they don't share it.
Can bring confuse.
See reservations happen when you don't totally believe in something.
As an example I have recovery and relationships.
Let's start with recovery:
" If the things don't go like a I want, I may end up going back and use"
" Well I am telling to the counselors what they want to hear but then will be my way"
Why this happen?
Huh... People are too scare of change. Until then their way was everything they knew, so can you imagine if you want to take from them everything they have ?
Can you imagine how they feel and how they will react?
If you are telling someone to do a new way that means you are taking out the old way and that means grieve :) pain
Reservations will allow them to get more time to get use to your new suggestions. They will try it very slow and that as a name - recovery is a slow process. Right?
Right.
Relationships:
What people fear most?
Rejection/ abandon
I don't believe that when you start a relationship you give yourself complete!
How many times do you say " well let's see how this will work out"
How many times you do "sex games" with other people or little cracks of seduction?
Those are reservations!
So reservations at the end its just insecurity!
Its just a way that makes you believe that you are in control of any situation.
Unreal but a fact.
Done :)
Today I was waiting for the train to go home and I start to think about reservations.
What they are?
What they are use for?
Are they some of mechanism of defense?
I guess they are too.
Are too because it can be use in two ways.
Reservations is always what you don't say. What you don't share. Those are little secrets that you keep in your head.
I also call it a backup plan.
Reservations its human!
Reservations are use to avoid pain and normally works like this " if this doesn't work I will..." " Maybe if... I will get better luck"
Reservations and denial are smiliar or maybe the same, its up to you how you look it.
People can get caught on their own reservations if they don't share it.
Can bring confuse.
See reservations happen when you don't totally believe in something.
As an example I have recovery and relationships.
Let's start with recovery:
" If the things don't go like a I want, I may end up going back and use"
" Well I am telling to the counselors what they want to hear but then will be my way"
Why this happen?
Huh... People are too scare of change. Until then their way was everything they knew, so can you imagine if you want to take from them everything they have ?
Can you imagine how they feel and how they will react?
If you are telling someone to do a new way that means you are taking out the old way and that means grieve :) pain
Reservations will allow them to get more time to get use to your new suggestions. They will try it very slow and that as a name - recovery is a slow process. Right?
Right.
Relationships:
What people fear most?
Rejection/ abandon
I don't believe that when you start a relationship you give yourself complete!
How many times do you say " well let's see how this will work out"
How many times you do "sex games" with other people or little cracks of seduction?
Those are reservations!
So reservations at the end its just insecurity!
Its just a way that makes you believe that you are in control of any situation.
Unreal but a fact.
Done :)
therapy??? huh
This country isn't ready for therapy. My culture is latin so therefor latins think they will solve problems inside of the family and no need for therapy. The concept of therapy is none! But what I want to talk about is therapy sabotage.
People come to therapy when they are very unstable. Emotinal break down. Therapy as this magic of resolution. Short term resolution. People get a little relieve and that take them to think they are OK and already pass.
They don't undertstand the only thing they had was a temporary relieve and they need to do work and keep working on their selves.
People feel they are in control again so they don't follow the therapist suggestions. Us as counselors keep seen those people caming back to the same feelings.
The answer was told them in their first therapy but they keep waiting and going through short cuts.
They avoid pain.
Also they avoid pain through share.
Are lots of peolpe that believe if they share the same subject with their therapist then with sponsor then with 10 friends then at the meetings that everything will be all right!
Mistake!
They are just getting relieve to the problem and not solving the problem.
The problem will ketch up with them soon again.
They have been spending years in the path doing the same over and over again.
They are uncapable to realize that isn't working anymore and they may need something else.
They keep beleving that NA/ AA is enough and they don't realize that their problem goes beyond addiction.
Addiction isn't the problem anymore!
Its you!
People come to therapy when they are very unstable. Emotinal break down. Therapy as this magic of resolution. Short term resolution. People get a little relieve and that take them to think they are OK and already pass.
They don't undertstand the only thing they had was a temporary relieve and they need to do work and keep working on their selves.
People feel they are in control again so they don't follow the therapist suggestions. Us as counselors keep seen those people caming back to the same feelings.
The answer was told them in their first therapy but they keep waiting and going through short cuts.
They avoid pain.
Also they avoid pain through share.
Are lots of peolpe that believe if they share the same subject with their therapist then with sponsor then with 10 friends then at the meetings that everything will be all right!
Mistake!
They are just getting relieve to the problem and not solving the problem.
The problem will ketch up with them soon again.
They have been spending years in the path doing the same over and over again.
They are uncapable to realize that isn't working anymore and they may need something else.
They keep beleving that NA/ AA is enough and they don't realize that their problem goes beyond addiction.
Addiction isn't the problem anymore!
Its you!
quinta-feira, 4 de março de 2010
does a bad relationship stops you to fall in love again?
Does a bad relationship stops you to fall in love again?
Nahhh
This is what I believe - doesn't exist bad relationships.
Is always a reason for you to be with that person. If you are not too focus on your ego or emotional vampire status you will understand why that happen to you.
But, you won't understand right way! You will understand!
Sometimes people cross our path to teach us something or because we become important to them at that moment of their lifes.
You need to relax when you are in a relationship and don't make that relationship the focus of your life and who you are.
People keep change their nature because relationships and then they become alone In THE RELATIONSHIP.
If your partner has a bad behavior or even an addiction will be fair that you make him or she aware about your feelings and how much that is hurting you. After that if he or she keep acting out on that behavior that tells you that its time to go.
For years that I hear people saying " he may change" , I won't leave because my children " he/ she may work out through therapy.
Ego and fear...
Let it go
Move on
Set yourself free
You are living in you own prison of your ego.
More you live through ego, more pain you will have.
Talking about myself I have my moments too.
My ego its alive, I wish it wasn't.
I have those times of crazy in love. Those that I hear my brain " the love of my life" lol
Those are just moments. Quick I get in touch with reality. Lol
When you want to change someone ask yourself fisrt:
- did I changed?
- if yes, how many years that I took to change it?
- was that simple as I am telling you?
Ask those questions to yourself
Done :)
Nahhh
This is what I believe - doesn't exist bad relationships.
Is always a reason for you to be with that person. If you are not too focus on your ego or emotional vampire status you will understand why that happen to you.
But, you won't understand right way! You will understand!
Sometimes people cross our path to teach us something or because we become important to them at that moment of their lifes.
You need to relax when you are in a relationship and don't make that relationship the focus of your life and who you are.
People keep change their nature because relationships and then they become alone In THE RELATIONSHIP.
If your partner has a bad behavior or even an addiction will be fair that you make him or she aware about your feelings and how much that is hurting you. After that if he or she keep acting out on that behavior that tells you that its time to go.
For years that I hear people saying " he may change" , I won't leave because my children " he/ she may work out through therapy.
Ego and fear...
Let it go
Move on
Set yourself free
You are living in you own prison of your ego.
More you live through ego, more pain you will have.
Talking about myself I have my moments too.
My ego its alive, I wish it wasn't.
I have those times of crazy in love. Those that I hear my brain " the love of my life" lol
Those are just moments. Quick I get in touch with reality. Lol
When you want to change someone ask yourself fisrt:
- did I changed?
- if yes, how many years that I took to change it?
- was that simple as I am telling you?
Ask those questions to yourself
Done :)
mistakes between addicts in a relationship
Mistakes between adicts in a relationship
I believe all of us already went through this and did those mistakes. My experience as an addict through the years taugh a lesson that I would like ti share with u guys.
Meetings together ... If u have a mature relationship so I will tell u why not. But if your relationship is new u may don't want to take your boyfriend to a meeting with u. Is private! Its time that you have for yourslef. Its your time, not us time!
Why is so missunderstandings when this happen?
Well, egomaniac stuff gets into between!
One of them wants to show the other how many friends she or he has, how popular she or he is, how good they share, bla, bla,bla, etc
BS ... A bunch!
Then other mistake and here is the ego again is when they insist to show each other how to live the program. So isntead of they have their girlfriend or boyfriend they get sponsors. And here they are wasting their time teach the program to each other.
This is just a replic of what their parents did to them " u have too" u must too", "you should"
They keep that cycle without knowlegde that they are drawing their relationship in " U HAVE TOO"
Control will demage a relationship very fast. You start to feel tired and sad.
Of course we may want to know that is a big chance that addicts are the perfect emotional. Vampires.
Why emotional vampires? Simple, because ego is always there. The things need to run like they want and they rule and run.
Ego is equal to being insecure.
So if you are an addic and you are in a relationship with one, give him or she a break and let the things flow.
Your time isn't their time.
You are one and not the same!
Keep it cool!
I believe all of us already went through this and did those mistakes. My experience as an addict through the years taugh a lesson that I would like ti share with u guys.
Meetings together ... If u have a mature relationship so I will tell u why not. But if your relationship is new u may don't want to take your boyfriend to a meeting with u. Is private! Its time that you have for yourslef. Its your time, not us time!
Why is so missunderstandings when this happen?
Well, egomaniac stuff gets into between!
One of them wants to show the other how many friends she or he has, how popular she or he is, how good they share, bla, bla,bla, etc
BS ... A bunch!
Then other mistake and here is the ego again is when they insist to show each other how to live the program. So isntead of they have their girlfriend or boyfriend they get sponsors. And here they are wasting their time teach the program to each other.
This is just a replic of what their parents did to them " u have too" u must too", "you should"
They keep that cycle without knowlegde that they are drawing their relationship in " U HAVE TOO"
Control will demage a relationship very fast. You start to feel tired and sad.
Of course we may want to know that is a big chance that addicts are the perfect emotional. Vampires.
Why emotional vampires? Simple, because ego is always there. The things need to run like they want and they rule and run.
Ego is equal to being insecure.
So if you are an addic and you are in a relationship with one, give him or she a break and let the things flow.
Your time isn't their time.
You are one and not the same!
Keep it cool!
sexta-feira, 26 de fevereiro de 2010
The concept of forgiveness
We often hear people telling people " you must forgive"
I always agreed with it, since was the only thing I knew until now.
But now let me asking something, or just allow me to take you deep on this and give you another vison. What happen to the ones who got really hurt by someone?
What happen to them when someone tells them to forgive people that really hurted them?
And if they are uncapable to forgive?
What do you think they will feel?
Let me tell you ... Guilty and shame!
So here is the contradiction. You are telling a client " isn't your fault! You need to forgive in order to move on"
If you said "isn't your fault " that means that in front of you is someone feeling guilty and shame. When that person for some reason doesn't forgive that means she or he end up feeling more guilty and shame!
They will end up feeling more bad about themselves and more inadequate.
I am not telling that revenge is OK because revenge is a negative motivation.
I am just telling that sometimes forgiveness/ absolution its just another form of denial.
Its people pretending that pain didn't happen!
How come them acknowledge their anger if they already forgiven?
Sometimes "be ready to forgive" its just a way to avoid pain or painful therapy. Is like a shortcut to feel better for some days or even some months.
The problem is that its just "some" and then they may end up turn that anger against themselves.
Sometimes people need to earn the forgiveness.
So remember " forgive and forget" can be a major trap for your emotions.
Done :)
I always agreed with it, since was the only thing I knew until now.
But now let me asking something, or just allow me to take you deep on this and give you another vison. What happen to the ones who got really hurt by someone?
What happen to them when someone tells them to forgive people that really hurted them?
And if they are uncapable to forgive?
What do you think they will feel?
Let me tell you ... Guilty and shame!
So here is the contradiction. You are telling a client " isn't your fault! You need to forgive in order to move on"
If you said "isn't your fault " that means that in front of you is someone feeling guilty and shame. When that person for some reason doesn't forgive that means she or he end up feeling more guilty and shame!
They will end up feeling more bad about themselves and more inadequate.
I am not telling that revenge is OK because revenge is a negative motivation.
I am just telling that sometimes forgiveness/ absolution its just another form of denial.
Its people pretending that pain didn't happen!
How come them acknowledge their anger if they already forgiven?
Sometimes "be ready to forgive" its just a way to avoid pain or painful therapy. Is like a shortcut to feel better for some days or even some months.
The problem is that its just "some" and then they may end up turn that anger against themselves.
Sometimes people need to earn the forgiveness.
So remember " forgive and forget" can be a major trap for your emotions.
Done :)
quinta-feira, 25 de fevereiro de 2010
Major changes in my life
Major change in my life
So here I am going through change again. I am doing 2 new things at same time. Well, not new, because I already have done this before, but even like that is change and I still don’t react well to change.
I left the counseling field for a while. doesn’t work very well counseling in PT, or I just had a bad experience.
I went through a major grieve about counseling. See, I had this dream to become a counselor, and I did it.
I had become a counselor at Cornell and that experience made me rich as wisdom.
I didn’t like everything there, of course, but I had bases, discipline, and guidance.
every time I walked that door I knew it what to do and what had to be done. So that gave me balance as professional in this field. Deep inside of me I still regret that I left, and I keep looking for the reason why I am in Portugal.
When I saw that counseling here doesn’t work well, I went down, and I was very disappointed.
I looked for another job, but the major answer was “ sorry, you are going to disrupted the clinician staff, because you are too qualified”
Amazing huh…. All the training I had in Texas gave me more wisdom, and also didn’t give me a job in Portugal.
I hated where I worked as a counselor, so I had to make a hard decision; or I would keep going on that crap, and keep going against everything I learned or I would leave my dream, and say good bye for a while.
So I did it! I left this field, and I went back to my old job, old boss, and old colleagues.
I had become a sells person, something that I wasn’t doing for 5 years.
Its been complicate, I don’t sell like before.
My boss and my colleagues keep looking at me waiting for the big show…waiting for the old me to come back like I was before.
I have been there for less than 1 month, and didn’t happen yet. Its been hard to manipulate…I guess I had lost some of that manipulation.
I had to adapt again to train, and subway and the fast Lisbon. So many people!!! The first time I travel though train and subway, I got lost! Amazing…I didn’t remind how where to go, where was the places in Lisbon .
I felt like going crazy!
Then the other major thing is I fell in love, finally, I fell in love!
I am about to live with him, and I have doubts!
He has 43 years old, but he thinks that he has 20 years old.
I keep wondering how ready I am for that. I keep wondering what I am doing, and why and for what.
The things worked well until the day he lie to me. And u guys know, that you don’t want lie to me!!!!
I m scared that I may go live with an emotional vampire.
I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.
My sponsor is been talking to me, and she cares about me.
Even like that I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So for now its just that.
I didn’t come to this blog for a while. This blog had a purpose and that is gone…..
I may find that purpose again
So here I am going through change again. I am doing 2 new things at same time. Well, not new, because I already have done this before, but even like that is change and I still don’t react well to change.
I left the counseling field for a while. doesn’t work very well counseling in PT, or I just had a bad experience.
I went through a major grieve about counseling. See, I had this dream to become a counselor, and I did it.
I had become a counselor at Cornell and that experience made me rich as wisdom.
I didn’t like everything there, of course, but I had bases, discipline, and guidance.
every time I walked that door I knew it what to do and what had to be done. So that gave me balance as professional in this field. Deep inside of me I still regret that I left, and I keep looking for the reason why I am in Portugal.
When I saw that counseling here doesn’t work well, I went down, and I was very disappointed.
I looked for another job, but the major answer was “ sorry, you are going to disrupted the clinician staff, because you are too qualified”
Amazing huh…. All the training I had in Texas gave me more wisdom, and also didn’t give me a job in Portugal.
I hated where I worked as a counselor, so I had to make a hard decision; or I would keep going on that crap, and keep going against everything I learned or I would leave my dream, and say good bye for a while.
So I did it! I left this field, and I went back to my old job, old boss, and old colleagues.
I had become a sells person, something that I wasn’t doing for 5 years.
Its been complicate, I don’t sell like before.
My boss and my colleagues keep looking at me waiting for the big show…waiting for the old me to come back like I was before.
I have been there for less than 1 month, and didn’t happen yet. Its been hard to manipulate…I guess I had lost some of that manipulation.
I had to adapt again to train, and subway and the fast Lisbon. So many people!!! The first time I travel though train and subway, I got lost! Amazing…I didn’t remind how where to go, where was the places in Lisbon .
I felt like going crazy!
Then the other major thing is I fell in love, finally, I fell in love!
I am about to live with him, and I have doubts!
He has 43 years old, but he thinks that he has 20 years old.
I keep wondering how ready I am for that. I keep wondering what I am doing, and why and for what.
The things worked well until the day he lie to me. And u guys know, that you don’t want lie to me!!!!
I m scared that I may go live with an emotional vampire.
I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.
My sponsor is been talking to me, and she cares about me.
Even like that I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So for now its just that.
I didn’t come to this blog for a while. This blog had a purpose and that is gone…..
I may find that purpose again
sábado, 26 de dezembro de 2009
Balance
Lets see what 2010 will bring me.
Well this year was so complicate, so many surprises, so many disappointments, so many adaptations.
I started the year recovering from a pneumonia, and that was the point that everything was going wrong.
I left Cornell and all that meant behind my back. Cornell was a good place to learn what to do and to learn what not become.
Cornell taught everything I need to learn about paper work, MRT, criminal thinking, probation stuff, as working with adult probation clients. The rest I believe I didn’t learn anything, I guess I already knew it.
I also left behind a bad husband. Someone who is something in front of people and another at home.
I came to Portugal I found a very sick mother.
Is been hard for me to understand God and all His care.
I have doubts today.
I found out how treatment centers work in Portugal, and at the moment I am not liking.
I am going to start 2010 without knowing if I stay at this field or I move to my old one.
I know one thing, I am tired and not motivated anymore.
I have so many ideas, but all in stand by. don’t know what to do, what to look for.
Was I a good person I 2009?
Huh….. I guess I didn’t like much my behavior through 2009.
I still hold too much resentments, I’m still holding a big ego.
I am still alone…. For some reason I still cant fall in love!
I just cant!
Do I still think in people I left behind?
Sure!
But I don’t miss them. They are just toys in hans of other people. Too cowards. Too empty. Too sad!
So lets see how this 2010 will start and what it will bring me and what I can give to the universe.
I hope I will be a better person and run from bad and futile people.
I hope my dogs will be well with me.
I hope 2010 will be a years of winning and not loose.
Well this year was so complicate, so many surprises, so many disappointments, so many adaptations.
I started the year recovering from a pneumonia, and that was the point that everything was going wrong.
I left Cornell and all that meant behind my back. Cornell was a good place to learn what to do and to learn what not become.
Cornell taught everything I need to learn about paper work, MRT, criminal thinking, probation stuff, as working with adult probation clients. The rest I believe I didn’t learn anything, I guess I already knew it.
I also left behind a bad husband. Someone who is something in front of people and another at home.
I came to Portugal I found a very sick mother.
Is been hard for me to understand God and all His care.
I have doubts today.
I found out how treatment centers work in Portugal, and at the moment I am not liking.
I am going to start 2010 without knowing if I stay at this field or I move to my old one.
I know one thing, I am tired and not motivated anymore.
I have so many ideas, but all in stand by. don’t know what to do, what to look for.
Was I a good person I 2009?
Huh….. I guess I didn’t like much my behavior through 2009.
I still hold too much resentments, I’m still holding a big ego.
I am still alone…. For some reason I still cant fall in love!
I just cant!
Do I still think in people I left behind?
Sure!
But I don’t miss them. They are just toys in hans of other people. Too cowards. Too empty. Too sad!
So lets see how this 2010 will start and what it will bring me and what I can give to the universe.
I hope I will be a better person and run from bad and futile people.
I hope my dogs will be well with me.
I hope 2010 will be a years of winning and not loose.
sexta-feira, 6 de novembro de 2009
quarta-feira, 28 de outubro de 2009
A bless day - client gratitute
I feel bless today!!!
Two days ago a client bipolar with sociopath personality decided to fuck up my car with a stone.
I got angry, but I kept the cool. Is always hard to work with dual diagnosis, and this is the second time I get sociopath personality clients.
I got down, and was overwhelmed with this situation, and made me wonder if wouldn’t be better to not be a counselor anymore.
However, I kept doing my job.
So today, I got a phone call from one of my clients. I already wrote about him here “ the depress client”
He is been at the hospital, very sick, and he almost dies.
Was the second time he called me form the hospital, but today was different!
He called and he said “ heyyy, I am so, but so glad to hear your voice”
The client told me on the phone that when he was facing dead that he realized I was the best thing that happened in his life after his daughter
He told me when he was on isolation due is condition and he got very depress, and scare, and he kept having a desire to have a cell phone to call me. He that was a moment that my face came to his mind and he saw me saying “ whoooooooooppppp” and he started to laugh.
“whooooopppp” is something that I learned in USA with black American population.
We use that expression after a joke. Is like saying “got it?” lol
Often I do that with my clients because I spent a lot of time playing and making jokes to make them laugh.
Is what I do as a counselor…..when is groups I take that very serious, and make it serious, but then I show the crazy and funny part in recovery in order for them to see that recovery isn’t just work, and responsibility. They also have to have fun in recovery.
Going back to my client, he also told me “ my mother told me to not go back to treatment. I looked to my mother and I said; I am going to come back because my counselor had changed my life, and I want to go back and stay with her. I will stay in treatment until she stays there.”
So, after a sociopath client screw my car, I get this other client that tells me that my job is important and I am changing lives!
Without he notice he gave me hope and courage to keep doing what I do better - changing lives, touching lives.
I was very glad to get this phone call.
Kept me focus!
I have other two clients that their hobby is to keep coming back to treatment.
They already did three treatments.
Today I kept looking at them and I told them:
“ ohhhh, I see, you guys are waiting for me to tell ya’ll how bad you are, and how sick you are, and burn out, but guess what???? I am not going to tell you guys that!!!!
You are looking to make me your mother, or society that always told you guys how bad you are, how sick you are. This is what I am going to do with you guys - from my mouth you are just going to hear how good you are. If you think that you are going to feed pain through me, you are wrong! In addition, to finish, just let me tell you guys that this is YOUR LAST TREATMENT! Game over; you are not going to come back to treatments. You are going to be in recovery!”
They stare at me and asked me “ how do you know that?”
My answer was simple “ wanna bet??? Lol”
So how can I be so arrogant, saying that, you ask?
Simple, like I told them “ don’t think that I am going to give you step 1, king baby, resentment, etc, I am not going to give you any books to work on like the other treatment centers gave to you. I am going to the point. I am going exactly where that pain is, and what is wrong. I don’t have time for the bullshit. If I can see, what is wrong and what is the issue, so why not start for there!!!???
Chronic relapse clients are looking for one thing, and are always the same thing, so let’s work on that, and set the client free for a new way of life!
Two days ago a client bipolar with sociopath personality decided to fuck up my car with a stone.
I got angry, but I kept the cool. Is always hard to work with dual diagnosis, and this is the second time I get sociopath personality clients.
I got down, and was overwhelmed with this situation, and made me wonder if wouldn’t be better to not be a counselor anymore.
However, I kept doing my job.
So today, I got a phone call from one of my clients. I already wrote about him here “ the depress client”
He is been at the hospital, very sick, and he almost dies.
Was the second time he called me form the hospital, but today was different!
He called and he said “ heyyy, I am so, but so glad to hear your voice”
The client told me on the phone that when he was facing dead that he realized I was the best thing that happened in his life after his daughter
He told me when he was on isolation due is condition and he got very depress, and scare, and he kept having a desire to have a cell phone to call me. He that was a moment that my face came to his mind and he saw me saying “ whoooooooooppppp” and he started to laugh.
“whooooopppp” is something that I learned in USA with black American population.
We use that expression after a joke. Is like saying “got it?” lol
Often I do that with my clients because I spent a lot of time playing and making jokes to make them laugh.
Is what I do as a counselor…..when is groups I take that very serious, and make it serious, but then I show the crazy and funny part in recovery in order for them to see that recovery isn’t just work, and responsibility. They also have to have fun in recovery.
Going back to my client, he also told me “ my mother told me to not go back to treatment. I looked to my mother and I said; I am going to come back because my counselor had changed my life, and I want to go back and stay with her. I will stay in treatment until she stays there.”
So, after a sociopath client screw my car, I get this other client that tells me that my job is important and I am changing lives!
Without he notice he gave me hope and courage to keep doing what I do better - changing lives, touching lives.
I was very glad to get this phone call.
Kept me focus!
I have other two clients that their hobby is to keep coming back to treatment.
They already did three treatments.
Today I kept looking at them and I told them:
“ ohhhh, I see, you guys are waiting for me to tell ya’ll how bad you are, and how sick you are, and burn out, but guess what???? I am not going to tell you guys that!!!!
You are looking to make me your mother, or society that always told you guys how bad you are, how sick you are. This is what I am going to do with you guys - from my mouth you are just going to hear how good you are. If you think that you are going to feed pain through me, you are wrong! In addition, to finish, just let me tell you guys that this is YOUR LAST TREATMENT! Game over; you are not going to come back to treatments. You are going to be in recovery!”
They stare at me and asked me “ how do you know that?”
My answer was simple “ wanna bet??? Lol”
So how can I be so arrogant, saying that, you ask?
Simple, like I told them “ don’t think that I am going to give you step 1, king baby, resentment, etc, I am not going to give you any books to work on like the other treatment centers gave to you. I am going to the point. I am going exactly where that pain is, and what is wrong. I don’t have time for the bullshit. If I can see, what is wrong and what is the issue, so why not start for there!!!???
Chronic relapse clients are looking for one thing, and are always the same thing, so let’s work on that, and set the client free for a new way of life!
Men Group
Well, today i decided to do a men group. I was doing the morning group, and i was looking to these guys and wondering how they handle with their paranoias and insecurity with women.
I am the only counselor here, working with 17 clients, and from the 17 just 1 is a woman and another is gay.
I decided to let the other 15 men have a men group where they could share with each other about their sexuality.
Sexuality in recovery is very important, because is a very hard area in recovery.
Most of them have a hard time to deal with women, like women have a very hard time to deal with men.
After of “ I am in love “ things get complicate, and isn't a awareness why. Relationships in recovery can be very harmful, if clients don't understand what they have to work before it.
I know that NA/AA tells “ do not have a relationship in your first year”, but is that really important???
is that what will make them have healthy relationships????
so, what they need to look for?
What really needs to be resolved in the beginning?
What they have to deal with before “ a relationship”
i believe in treatment is very important for them to have men groups about sexuality.
I believe they can came together very healthy.
They can share their feelings about women, paranoia, insecurity, fantasies, insanity, even find out sexual deviant behavior.
More they share more comfortable they will be with women around. More genuine they will become, more sensitive to their needs and other needs they will become.
Of course i wasn´t in that group. I let the group run their own group, and have the privacy.
As a counselor woman i have to have boundaries, and to day was the case.
Now you ask me: why the gay guy didn't go????
because he wont identify with them.
I have to respect his sexuality, and place him where he feels comfortable “ women group”
Also is a way to protect them of the racist comments that men may have against him.
Anyway, the second part that clients need to look for is have the courage to look to their childhood.
More you look to your childhood and understand what happened to you, more able you are going to find yourself in a healthy relationship.
You need to understand where you are coming from in order to able to move on.
Understand your childhood.... don't stay there..... and move on!
If you don't grief your childhood, you are not be capable to have a healthy relationship.
You will be always the child, and you will never become the man!
Is also very important for women to be able to express their sexuality, and feel confortable with it.
If deviant, even like that, is important for both feel confortabel with it.
Acceptance, and expressing, and comunication is the key!
I am the only counselor here, working with 17 clients, and from the 17 just 1 is a woman and another is gay.
I decided to let the other 15 men have a men group where they could share with each other about their sexuality.
Sexuality in recovery is very important, because is a very hard area in recovery.
Most of them have a hard time to deal with women, like women have a very hard time to deal with men.
After of “ I am in love “ things get complicate, and isn't a awareness why. Relationships in recovery can be very harmful, if clients don't understand what they have to work before it.
I know that NA/AA tells “ do not have a relationship in your first year”, but is that really important???
is that what will make them have healthy relationships????
so, what they need to look for?
What really needs to be resolved in the beginning?
What they have to deal with before “ a relationship”
i believe in treatment is very important for them to have men groups about sexuality.
I believe they can came together very healthy.
They can share their feelings about women, paranoia, insecurity, fantasies, insanity, even find out sexual deviant behavior.
More they share more comfortable they will be with women around. More genuine they will become, more sensitive to their needs and other needs they will become.
Of course i wasn´t in that group. I let the group run their own group, and have the privacy.
As a counselor woman i have to have boundaries, and to day was the case.
Now you ask me: why the gay guy didn't go????
because he wont identify with them.
I have to respect his sexuality, and place him where he feels comfortable “ women group”
Also is a way to protect them of the racist comments that men may have against him.
Anyway, the second part that clients need to look for is have the courage to look to their childhood.
More you look to your childhood and understand what happened to you, more able you are going to find yourself in a healthy relationship.
You need to understand where you are coming from in order to able to move on.
Understand your childhood.... don't stay there..... and move on!
If you don't grief your childhood, you are not be capable to have a healthy relationship.
You will be always the child, and you will never become the man!
Is also very important for women to be able to express their sexuality, and feel confortable with it.
If deviant, even like that, is important for both feel confortabel with it.
Acceptance, and expressing, and comunication is the key!
domingo, 11 de outubro de 2009
Step 2 - Believe / Trust
We can base step 2 in a moral value. Is basic become aware of I – THE EGO
our favorite quote is “ i want, and i want now!”
when we want what we want NOW, we loose the opportunity to connect with people.
We become “ emotionally not available”
you cant find emotional connection.
You find body connection, language connection, but no emotional connection.
When your ego rules, you wont feel the pain of the other. You don't feel the pleasure, or even try to meet the other.
You are to self centered in your ego, and you become incapable to connect with another human being.
You are too afraid of that.
In other day i was doing a group and clients ask me “ so, how we fight with our ego? How can we get rid of it?”
my answer was “ damn......you have to work a lot in yourself!!!! and it may be the hardest thing you will do in life – work in your ego. Let me tell you why is hard.... our society is feed through ego.
Even the date Website is the proof of that!
Date Website is simple a way to “ NOT CONNECT” with people.
See, let me tell you what happen in those sites; you find yourself talking with 10 people at the time, so that becomes the best way to not connect, and run from your feelings. You even don't become vulnerable, because you are under stress answering to those people. You become rational, not emotional!
Then you go meet one of them today, and tomorrow you will meet another one, and next day another one, so you end up confuse, and again, not connecting.
You don't connect because you know, when you arrive home you will have 5 girls waiting for you in that Website.
So, you start a negotiation..... i liked that one, but.... the other one was.....but this one is more....
and then you lie, and deceive, and you end up years doing that.
Let me make this simple, you set up yourself to fail!
The trust is not going to be build, the hope isn't going to happen. Let me tell you what will happen then..... resentment, disappoint, and what is the name of this on a therapeutic talk???? ANGER!
That´s it.
How could society work on this area??? how could them be free??? how could them be spiritual????
easy, not let the ego interferer with that....through honesty!
But unfortunately we are living in a society that likes to make people hostage to feed their ego.
You are not sure if you want the person, you probably don't want anything, but, you don't let go the person.
You keep that person prisoner of your ego.
But then at night when you do a moral inventory on yourself , you think “ i am a good person”
are you? Huh? Keep coming back! LOL
this was just an example that i found to explain EGO.
So, step 2 is believing and trust that IF I DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING, if i stop being insane, maybe i can live in peace, and happier.
Everyone knows the mean of insanity = doing the same stuff over and over again, expecting different results!
Isn't going to happen friends!
Believe that is possible to live a better life
believe that is possible to be a better person
believe that person in front of you can be important for your life, AT THIS TIME, and that doesn't means she/he has to stay forever. Believe always that people walk in your lives to bring us something that we need at that moment, and then when they bring, its finish, and you need to let them go, in order for others come in and bring what you may have need in the future.
Trust that you can do all the above.
Pray for guidance, let something bigger that you walk you through your path.
Stop with games – create magic, not games.
Ego is just body pain.
Your pain shows up in a egocentric way, and you are not capable to understand that people around you, can be the ones nurturing your pain.
Believe that you may not need to control anything, the Universe will take care that for you.
That is the law of attraction...keep dreaming ....keep believing..... keep trust...... let go of your ego.
Ego just will make unhappy
love, love,love
passion, passion, passion
Do it!
And then......let go when is time to let go..... and go with a smile! Was worthy!
Done!
some pics of me acting wierdo! lol
quinta-feira, 8 de outubro de 2009
Gangs in Portugal??????!!!!!!! OK, I am ready to work with them then!
So many times, while working as a counselor in Texas, I thought: “ why the hell, I am working here????? Why the hell, I am working with gangs??????
I was scared at the beginning, because I didn’t understand that culture, so I wanted just to deal with addiction!
I end up liking to know the gang culture, and to see beyond it.
I still remember that Unit where a gang took control of the unit.
They even would tell counselors to leave the group.
I remember to be called to do a lock search, and I found the weirdest and crazy weapons on the unit.
I remember the cops arresting them right in the front of me.
I remember how that got me curious.
At that time I told my ex. Director : “ let me go there and do a group!”
He allowed me, and I was so, but so scare!
I saw myself in the middle of gangs, trying to teach them, and make them aware the reason of their life style.
Was an amazing group, and you can read it on this blog at http://ivonejft.blogspot.com/2008/09/when-gang-men-starts-and-children-ends.html
After this event, I started to pay more attention to gang women (clients)
I started to make a lot of question.
I wanted to know, how that started, and what a gang initiation was.
I heard the most incredible stories about it! Jesus!
I had clients telling me “everything makes sence, that you guys say, but if I don’t go back to my gang, they will look for me, and they will kill me, and I don’t want to die!
What answer you will give to this client????!!!! Yep! I know!
I had clients mothers whom their gang children were killed rival gangs.
A gang initiation means doing what the gang leader asks.
Here some initiations: kill someone, be on the floor and be beat up for the entire group, having sex with the entire group,
Now let’s see how this is done:
"Beat in" or "jump in" - The inductee must prove him/her self by enduring a severe beating by a pre-determined number of members for a pre-determined number of minutes. During this act the members use fists, kicks and stomps, or even clubs to beat the new member. This is frequently called an "act of love." It is also, in many cases, an act of extreme violence. The new member at best may survive with broken ribs, cuts and contusions or maybe a broken jaw. However the beating can be so severe that the person could suffer permanent injury or even death.
"Sex in" - Female inductees are frequently "sexed in" by having intercourse with multiple members of the gang. This is sometimes used in lieu of being beaten in. It has been reported that females, on occasion, have been required to consent to sex with a person known to be HIV positive.
Other Forms of Initiation
Armed robbery - inductee(s) commit the crime of armed robbery and frequently shoot the victim(s) for no reason.
Drive-by shooting
Assault on an innocent victim
Rape an innocent victim
Blessed In - Occasionally, a prospective gang member will not have to endure any of the normal gang initiation rituals. He or she may be "blessed in." This may be the result of the prospects reputation as one who is worthy of gang membership or he may be a family member of a gang member who has vouched for his worthiness and loyalty.
One day I was at work and I got this email: "do not go to wal-mart tonight. gang initiation to shoot 3 women. not sure what wal-mart and confirmed on TV."
I freaked out! I was living near by Wal-mart!
Well, I guess I know now!
Almost everyday I see on news that we are starting to have gangs.
What was a destructive dream before, now is become real!
So, Portugal is starting to have gangs, and they are already fighting for a position.
Recently I started to study gang language. As you may not know, gang members speak by clothes and mimic - doing with their hands, and fingers.
I am learning a new language, a new way of speak, and is hard as hell!
But something tells me, that what I am been learning is going to be useful in a near future.
Here some gangs action
So, we counselors, we may want to get ready to work with this population
I was scared at the beginning, because I didn’t understand that culture, so I wanted just to deal with addiction!
I end up liking to know the gang culture, and to see beyond it.
I still remember that Unit where a gang took control of the unit.
They even would tell counselors to leave the group.
I remember to be called to do a lock search, and I found the weirdest and crazy weapons on the unit.
I remember the cops arresting them right in the front of me.
I remember how that got me curious.
At that time I told my ex. Director : “ let me go there and do a group!”
He allowed me, and I was so, but so scare!
I saw myself in the middle of gangs, trying to teach them, and make them aware the reason of their life style.
Was an amazing group, and you can read it on this blog at http://ivonejft.blogspot.com/2008/09/when-gang-men-starts-and-children-ends.html
After this event, I started to pay more attention to gang women (clients)
I started to make a lot of question.
I wanted to know, how that started, and what a gang initiation was.
I heard the most incredible stories about it! Jesus!
I had clients telling me “everything makes sence, that you guys say, but if I don’t go back to my gang, they will look for me, and they will kill me, and I don’t want to die!
What answer you will give to this client????!!!! Yep! I know!
I had clients mothers whom their gang children were killed rival gangs.
A gang initiation means doing what the gang leader asks.
Here some initiations: kill someone, be on the floor and be beat up for the entire group, having sex with the entire group,
Now let’s see how this is done:
"Beat in" or "jump in" - The inductee must prove him/her self by enduring a severe beating by a pre-determined number of members for a pre-determined number of minutes. During this act the members use fists, kicks and stomps, or even clubs to beat the new member. This is frequently called an "act of love." It is also, in many cases, an act of extreme violence. The new member at best may survive with broken ribs, cuts and contusions or maybe a broken jaw. However the beating can be so severe that the person could suffer permanent injury or even death.
"Sex in" - Female inductees are frequently "sexed in" by having intercourse with multiple members of the gang. This is sometimes used in lieu of being beaten in. It has been reported that females, on occasion, have been required to consent to sex with a person known to be HIV positive.
Other Forms of Initiation
Armed robbery - inductee(s) commit the crime of armed robbery and frequently shoot the victim(s) for no reason.
Drive-by shooting
Assault on an innocent victim
Rape an innocent victim
Blessed In - Occasionally, a prospective gang member will not have to endure any of the normal gang initiation rituals. He or she may be "blessed in." This may be the result of the prospects reputation as one who is worthy of gang membership or he may be a family member of a gang member who has vouched for his worthiness and loyalty.
One day I was at work and I got this email: "do not go to wal-mart tonight. gang initiation to shoot 3 women. not sure what wal-mart and confirmed on TV."
I freaked out! I was living near by Wal-mart!
Well, I guess I know now!
Almost everyday I see on news that we are starting to have gangs.
What was a destructive dream before, now is become real!
So, Portugal is starting to have gangs, and they are already fighting for a position.
Recently I started to study gang language. As you may not know, gang members speak by clothes and mimic - doing with their hands, and fingers.
I am learning a new language, a new way of speak, and is hard as hell!
But something tells me, that what I am been learning is going to be useful in a near future.
Here some gangs action
So, we counselors, we may want to get ready to work with this population
domingo, 4 de outubro de 2009
Sharing my Sunday night
Here I am at the club looking around, without know what I am really doing here. The music is laud, people are talking laud.
I am here by myself, quite like a mousse.
I came to sit outside. It’s a little cold, but is a beautiful night.
It’s calmer outside, and I can write better all my thoughts and feelings.
I fell alone in the crowd, don't know where I can go, or with I would like to be.
I looked at the end of the street, where my Ex French, boy friend lives, but I cannot see him.
Why I would want to see him?
Well, I think this is the worse part of a grieve, when I want to negotiate human beings.
I'm sad and alone, but I do not have the right to go use people just because I feel sad and alone.
I am writing as it comes to my mind, like the wind that is passing by my cold face.
Today I saw a baby dog very thin. I rush to the coffee to buy him some food. He ate he was hungry. My heart was so broken watching that small dog. I kept thinking a way to bring him home. I start to walk, and he walked with me. If he had made it to my home, I would let him stay. He didn't! He got entertainment with something, and I walk out leaving him.
I kept thinking about that dog.
I hope I see him tomorrow to feed him. I gave him the name "fallen angel"
Funny, was the only name that came to my mind. I don't think the dog would deserve that name. I would I have change it.
Fallen angels they are deceive. They walk by you smelling roses, showing you heaven. They use soft words and you fall asleep on those words. They have blue eyes, to show you the sun over the ocean.
Those eyes will embriagate you, and make you believe that you can walk over water that you don't drawn.
When the masks fall you can see those blues eyes turning to red, and you will fall like a star from the sky. The fall is quick and painful.
The ground is all you have.
The smell of roses turns into grass.
No one is there! Even if you look at the sky and call their name, you just see dark clouds.
The other side of the club is another club. The people there are getting drunk, and I see this blond girl who keeps screaming " alibaba"
She is upsetting me, with all that screaming.
I keep listening French, since are many French people here.
I think is beginning to rain...
I can feel it through my fingertips.
I look at the sky, and it falls on my face.
I think its time to go now.
If I could, I would be at one of our castles. I would like to spend the rest of this night at one Portuguese castle.
I've been thinking to rent a wedding dress and go take pics at a chapel near by.
I would lay down surrounded of candles looking at the roof where the saints are painted.
It’s kinda of erotic, all those saints half-naked.
Something is haunting. I feel like a worrier who is been haunti
ng by fallen angels.
Far way I can hear music. Seams like a band is out there. I'm going to dress, and I will go there now. Brb to tell how it was.
Funny, I wouldn't dare walking at night at Texas, but I love to do it in this small village.
The church bells are ringing, the donkey smell is in the hair, the couples walk holding hands. The old couples walk separate. She goes in front of him. The youngest play pool.
Here I am near of the stage.
Funny,lol the blond girl who was screaming at the club is the singer of the band... OK, now she has my sympathy lol.
Damn, the guys that are playing are so cute! Ok, let me get out of here before I get insane.
Let go find the dog. Where he can be? I guess he is gone!
This is so stupid, all the band were in that club, but like always I walk looking at the floor and not make eye contact with people. Well,hoW I would know they were a band. Let me go make eye contact with people, and let's see what happen.
Nothing happen, I go home now.
I am walking and see my reflection on the window stores. I am been loosing so much weigh, finally. My legs are again skinny, my big ass is gone, and now I am losing in my harms, and neck. Finally, I feel going back to European normal size.
Here some videos I took from the band, and some pics….. One of th epics is a little bar of beer in the middle of the street, lol
One of tghe videos is me this afternoon trying to walk through trees, and I couldn't
quarta-feira, 30 de setembro de 2009
you only see what your eyes want to see....
Letting go may be one of the hardest things that we do in life.
Give to the care of God, and give it to the universe, when deep inside i want to control, i want to know, i want answers, i want to keep feeling it.
The sad part, and this is what i call co-dependency, is when i even want to feel the bad part, and feel the rejection.
When i am willing to feel rejection, because i want to keep feel the uncertainly of :
“ maybe; if; we could; i can; sometimes; possible; impossible; be or not to be”
is really that what i want?
Is really that what i need?
Is really that what i want to feel?
I don't know what to do! I just don't know! Today someone told me " seams like is the first time that you don't know what to do...
You look sad and vulnerable.
Is that hard for you to let go, and not try to control?
Seams like this is the real you, not selfish, but kind
I just can't walk into people life and try to make them feel what I would like them to feel.
How would be waking up by side of someone, looking at that someone and thinking that person is there because I manipulate everything?
What that would bring?
Would I be happy?
NO!
I would be insecure and live in uncertainly not knowing if that person was with me because likes me or because was manipulated by me.
That would destroy everything because my insecurity would make me have the need of more approval and more manipulation.
This time, for some reason, I just can't do like that.
I'm just tired of the color of my eyes, my beauties, my body, my intelligence to be a way to have power over people.
I'm tired of the power.
I choose today to be accepted, and chosen, by who I real am.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, I am!
Do i like it ? Huhhhhh.......it´s hard, but it´s OK.
I feel naked of masks, hoping the universe will take care of this. Giving into the care of God.
Fears vs reservations - yes, I have it!
Fear of being miss understood
Fear of people think that I don't care
Fear of people end up forgetting that I exist
Fear to loose what I even never had
Fear of not be want and need anymore
Thinking about others instead of what i want sounds better today.
The others have the right to try new food, to try new places, to try new hobbies, to try new jobs, to try new women, to try to have sex with other women, to try live life without schedules, or compromises
they just have the right to leave their life like they want too
the people have the right to live, to grieve, without having someone to entertainment or unstable their feelings
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, and I told him:
“ look, this is what i believe – i know men are rational, but even like that, I believe when they finally see what they want, they will go after, and take what they want. I believe they have the courage to do that. Me? I just need to go through this with dignity, and be quite, and see what happen”
My friend reply: but Ivone, you talk like that because your culture is based on kingdom, where prince gets the princess, but does the rest of the world can see, and feel like you do?
No, they can´t! Not that world.
By the way,
Do you guys know how to get ride of flies???
You kill 1, and the others flies will go to the funeral :)
Do you know when you love, and respect someone???
It`s when you let them fly, and give them the freedom to make their own decisions, even they may end up forgetting your existence :(
by the way guys, September already ended.......
.......... and I have to go with the wind.
Give to the care of God, and give it to the universe, when deep inside i want to control, i want to know, i want answers, i want to keep feeling it.
The sad part, and this is what i call co-dependency, is when i even want to feel the bad part, and feel the rejection.
When i am willing to feel rejection, because i want to keep feel the uncertainly of :
“ maybe; if; we could; i can; sometimes; possible; impossible; be or not to be”
is really that what i want?
Is really that what i need?
Is really that what i want to feel?
I don't know what to do! I just don't know! Today someone told me " seams like is the first time that you don't know what to do...
You look sad and vulnerable.
Is that hard for you to let go, and not try to control?
Seams like this is the real you, not selfish, but kind
I just can't walk into people life and try to make them feel what I would like them to feel.
How would be waking up by side of someone, looking at that someone and thinking that person is there because I manipulate everything?
What that would bring?
Would I be happy?
NO!
I would be insecure and live in uncertainly not knowing if that person was with me because likes me or because was manipulated by me.
That would destroy everything because my insecurity would make me have the need of more approval and more manipulation.
This time, for some reason, I just can't do like that.
I'm just tired of the color of my eyes, my beauties, my body, my intelligence to be a way to have power over people.
I'm tired of the power.
I choose today to be accepted, and chosen, by who I real am.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, I am!
Do i like it ? Huhhhhh.......it´s hard, but it´s OK.
I feel naked of masks, hoping the universe will take care of this. Giving into the care of God.
Fears vs reservations - yes, I have it!
Fear of being miss understood
Fear of people think that I don't care
Fear of people end up forgetting that I exist
Fear to loose what I even never had
Fear of not be want and need anymore
Thinking about others instead of what i want sounds better today.
The others have the right to try new food, to try new places, to try new hobbies, to try new jobs, to try new women, to try to have sex with other women, to try live life without schedules, or compromises
they just have the right to leave their life like they want too
the people have the right to live, to grieve, without having someone to entertainment or unstable their feelings
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, and I told him:
“ look, this is what i believe – i know men are rational, but even like that, I believe when they finally see what they want, they will go after, and take what they want. I believe they have the courage to do that. Me? I just need to go through this with dignity, and be quite, and see what happen”
My friend reply: but Ivone, you talk like that because your culture is based on kingdom, where prince gets the princess, but does the rest of the world can see, and feel like you do?
No, they can´t! Not that world.
By the way,
Do you guys know how to get ride of flies???
You kill 1, and the others flies will go to the funeral :)
Do you know when you love, and respect someone???
It`s when you let them fly, and give them the freedom to make their own decisions, even they may end up forgetting your existence :(
by the way guys, September already ended.......
.......... and I have to go with the wind.
quarta-feira, 16 de setembro de 2009
Step 1 group
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
We admitted – we know now – we become aware
addiction – add + + + + + one doesnt work, thousands arent enough
most of the people in recovery use this step for everything. They dont pay a close attention to see that powerless here means be powerless over addiction and not everything.
Addiction means that you keep adding more and more regardless of the consequences of what you are doing.
Normally we use this to drugs and alchool, but you can apply or add food, sex, game, etc....
you already notice that when you start doing that you like you become obsessed, and you dont stop?
How many times your body hurts but you keep going on that.
See, things in life should be done with pleasure, but addicts or alchoolics need to add the phisical or emotional pain.
Like going to the gym..... gym should be something to relax, and enjoy, but you dont do that. You keep pushing yourself, and you just feel pleasure in what you are doing when you feel the phisical pain. You even say “ wow, today I really pushed myself” “ wow, I even felt pain in my body because I was pushing so much”
see, normal people if they feel this they will stop. You keep going to seek the pain, the exaustion.
Moving on....
when we become aware of what we are doing wrong, we are admitting. We are creating a conscience basead on gaining a moral.
Once we become conscious, we had gain a new moral. Moral will come with guilty and shame.
You no longer can do the same and fell the same. You have now a conscience. You are aware now!
Its over! Surrender now!
So when is over what that means for the world?
Over means the end of something.
The grive process had begun
do the clients accept this grieve right way?
No.
isnt necessary be a client!
Everyone is like that. No one accepts grieve as something good.
But clients will began the enterteiment.
Their enterteiment is: sex games
split staff
manipualtion
sleep
food
lunacy
etc
they keep trying to show and believe that they have power over someone or something.
This is what I call negotion, racionalization.
Maybe we as a counselors should recognation this signs.
Maybe we counselors should ask to primary counselors “ what your client is been working on”
this signs are signs of grieving - the step 1 – The old (I)
the unknow of the new (ME)
Rejection group 2
REJECTION (Second group)
how about inviting other to reject you????!!!!!
amazing huh...... they don't like feel rejection but then the will be the ones inviting other to reject them.
How they do it????
fighting / arguing with everyone
clothes – lets keep in mind the punk, Gothic, heavy metal style
tattoos
talking to laud
intimidation
being dishonest
isolation
complaining
using drugs and alchol
very need
OK and more could be written.......
BUT WHY??? why they would do something like that if they don't like to feel it?
Again, to feel the abandonment
they keep placing themselves apart of people/world
so lets see how:
if they are always arguing, fighting,intimidation, being dishonest; that will create fear in people around them, and that people will not get close
like talking to laud that will embarrass people, and they will not be choose to go out
complaining and very need that will get people tired
clothes and tattoos, that will make people suspicious
using of drugs and alcohol, will make people fear and get ride of them
so at the end they are again abandoned themselves, their Inner child...BUT, attention on these one, because they active.
Active??????
yep, i am been defining active and passive
the first group we are talking about people who are passive
this group here are active............ they will justify relapse with this. Most of the time this are their plan B-----
----- nothing works
----- no one understands me
----- I hate the system
----- I hate everyone
----- Fuck this people------------- I am alone --------- I am going to use!
Lol, funny, one of my clients just walk in asking me to start to record the groups I do on board in order for him to get it when he will need to listen again.....lol...I liked to hear this!
Rejection group 1
in the other day I was doing a group about rejection. This would be my first group in my country with male population.
Funny the last time i did a group about rejection was in USA and just took me 1h.
This one took me 2 groups, lol
i believe that time and experience made me have more subject on this matter, and i was able to do 2 days about rejection.
So, now i divide rejection in two parts.
The first part is what they feel when they are rejected, and i base myself on
Rational emotive behavior therapy
what I think – what I believe - how I react
This is what they learn..... I go more far and teach them tools to deal with it
The examples i give is about “ today” how clients feel rejection in their daily bases.
What brings them the feeling of rejection.
Most of them say is when they hear the word NO. I ask them why that NO was so powerful.
They didn't know what to answer.
So i ask them to tell me what they think after they hear the word NO. usually is the thoughts of anger.
They start with “ why I
“ If I
“you should give me
“ you are not being fair with me
well, if you see, you can notice the (I, ME) a lot = EGO
I ask them, why they keep asking what they already know they are not going to get it?
Why they keep trying to manipulate to get what they want?
Why they keep wanting so much from life?
You already saw what a client normal do after hear a NO?
Did you already saw what is their second reaction????
they go to their bedrooms, or they will sit alone.
So now lets go see where, and when was the times they felt rejection......where that comes from.....
where they have learned?????
in their childhood!!!!!!!!!
the lost child, the abandoned child
the clients keep the work that their parents had start by find ways that will place them abandoned again!
That is why everything for them is a big thing!!!!!!!!!!
they maximize problems a lot!!!!!
they want to keep feeling this....follow me:
powerless = why they want to feel this, they even hate being powerless
because that will bring them the feeling of unworthy- shame – guilty – not capable
how many clients choose to ask what they know they cant have in order to be rejected to justify “ she doesn't like me” - “ she likes more that other client” - I need to do better in order for her to like me” - the others can, but I don't. Its always the same with me”
they are never satisfied and they feel empty all the time.
They had suffer of abandoned, and they had learn how to feel it, so therefor they try to find way to keep feeling what had become comfortable for them.
Is like when they relapse. Relapse is a way to abandoned the (I) the inner child. Is to left their inner child alone in the middle of the living room”
sábado, 12 de setembro de 2009
Hard candy!!!!
How life is amazing when we decided to do the right thing!!!!
What is the right thing????
How do we know when is right or is just fear and we justify with the reason???
If the right thing is just a way to stop, or not accept what the universe as to offer us??????
If the universe gives us something but our ego = if I accept what the universe gives me I am going to loose my huge TV, my house, my family are going to look at me as a failure, my colleagues, what they will think about me.
Why with all this things, I keep feeling alone???
Why with all this things I keep, feel that I am again the little child in the middle of the living room, feeling lost and alone, looking at a TV trying to figure out a way to rescue something?????
Why I just don’t ask to people what I already know??? Why denial had become the right thing in order to justify, not face the reality, and go through grieve?????
If I know it, so why I keep placing myself in childhood - abandoned????
Now about me - why I keep placing myself with angry people when I know they will treat me bad, and make feel unworthy????
Why I am not with someone who admires me, believes me, and makes me feel worthy?????
Now going back to the object - why I keep placing myself with someone that does not give me value, where just see my defects, and don’t walk with me and choose to walk separate???
Why I am not with someone that believes me, that looks at me as an amazing human be??????
The new earth book says that people shows up in our life for a reason.
Sometimes is just for one purpose, and then they left and then they leave a place for the next people.
Those next people will give another mean and will have another mean. The universe puts always the right people, at the right time.
However, our ego does not see it!!!! We make those people hostage by transferring guilty and shame to those people in order for them to not leave us.
We never say : look, I know, I can see it, its time for you to go, and I am going to let you in order for us to accept the next people that the universe as to reserve for us; and we keep walking to a spiritual life.
This would be so beautiful, right?
Is not like that!
Is more: why you acting like that??? Are you crazy??? You don’t think about the people who depend on you????? You are selfish!!!! You need therapy!!!!! How you dare doing this to me???? What are you looking for???? Fuck you, do what you want??????
Can you see the guilty and shame that the other person transfer to that one?
The other with guilty and shame answers: I have the right (funny, they define everything with right, wrong, black or white = insane, that doesn’t exist)
I have the right, I did a lot for you now is my turn! You are selfish! I always fill your needs and now when is my turn you do not understand me!
Therefore, here we have again, the other one transferring guilty and shame.
Therefore, what should be spiritual had become a transference of guilty and shame in order to keep them hostage of their ego.
They look around and they see what they will loose. They never see what they have to win!
They stay with what they have to loose, they stay with black and white.
Do not get me wrong, I am the same way.
4 hours after…..funny when I wrote, “don’t get me wrong, I am the same way”, I just turned the computer off, and went walk from 10am to 1 pm. I think I met all the villages around this one I live in, lol
It is so small so quite here, I walked looking to the fields where they have the animals and vegetables growing. Gave me peace walking, and smell the fresh ground. I even walked through threes…yeah, I never told anyone but I have panic of threes. I think in other life I may have been burn in of them.
Anyway, talking about me…. I define my ego with my ambition.
I played fool, pretending that I didn’t see the signs. However, I knew it all along.
I could feel it, I could see it. I did not want to assume that because that would make me loose the position I had. Was not a big position, but was the one I was fighting for. I had waited 10 years for that, and I could not loose it.
I have been thinking a lot, and going back to the past and see all this process.
I am having doubts.
When I look to the past, I can be honest.
Did I participate on this? Yes, I did!
The time I bought new clothes, and I made myself sexy, and walked in and I would see the blush because I saw the impact I had. The times I walked in and I would sit listening, in the middle I would look to the lips, and wondering how would be kissing those lips.
The times I would be sitting and listening, but I would keep looking to the desk wondering how would be having sex on that desk.
The times I would be sit listening and would look to the hands and fingers and wondering how would it feel.
Those times were the times that in the middle of the listening I would stand up and walk out. I would walk out in the middle of conversation saying “ ok, ok” or “ I gotta go, maybe someone is looking for me by now”
All the stories tells about the bad dates…. Was an attempted to be rescue???
Was an attempted to hear something????
Why I would say “can’t find in one of them what I find in my role model”
Dammmm, everything is making so sense now.
Getting me close, looking for me, the blush, and the attempts to not look to me as woman.
The complicity between us.
My promises in front of the computer “ enough girl! I won’t walk in there anymore for 2 weeks” but then the emails “ are you there? Can I go there?”
We couldn’t stay apart. We kept coming back, looking for each other.
The end…..man…the end…… the other notice it; the other decided to make my life miserable and makes me look bad; the other making pressure against me, and he kept fighting for me, trying to find ways to calm down the other.
However, the other felt it, and he knew it, and he kept making me look bad, until the other one couldn’t justify anymore why was defending me, so then he let me go, and he knew what that would mean. Here they come pretending they were worry about me, and it would be better for me to go.
I was listening and I was thinking, “Brilliant, they found a way to get ride of the problem, and is here manipulating me”
I remember when I was confronted about “you are going but I know what that means” I remember I thought “so, why the fuck you are letting me go? Why he has all the power over you.” I wanna to scream and say “ DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE WHY HE IS DOING ALL OF THIS?” “ DON’T U FUCKING SEE THAT HE IS JELOUSES?”
But then, if I would had say it, how I would justify the nest question “jalousies of what??? Why are you telling me that he is jalousies?” “what do you mean by that?”
I would be the one in that moment that would say what we already knew all along.
The true finally came out, through an anger attack, through a “fuck it! I am going to say it. Through a way to compensate his pain by getting my identification - by hearing “ I feel the same”
Through revenge “ if she can, I can!”
The true came out for what???
Selfish!
He is becoming good abandoning me.
He was brilliant the way he let me go
Yesterday he was perfect the way he placed me alone with all these feelings “ I am glad that we finally said what we WERE feeling.
When I heard that I thought: “ wow…. You must be feeling too much guilty and anxiety. You must be feeling so regret that you even forgot that you are talking with someone that has a brilliant mind. You even forgot who I am, and how easy is for me to read between the lines and beyond of isn’t said”
Huh, he didn’t forget……. He had just become MAN.
I am having all this crazy feelings and thoughts with break ups of crying.
Contradiction feelings and thoughts.
One part of me wants to say “ fuck you! How you dare?! Keep living in the black and white. Keep find things to compensate the love that is missing. Go find a way to do a few hours in the circus, is the best way to entertain your feelings”
Then comes the other thoughts wish a call low self-esteem and weakness “don’t give up on me. Come here. You are the one. You are all I want. I can see who you are and I love who you are. I may be the right thing now.
Just come, and then you can go, but just let me live and feel you for 1 single day.”
I was right there, in front of you, and you fucking stupid, you let me go!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, fuck all of this….I am in grieve, I guess
I even don’t know if I want to in grieve!!!!!!!!!
I want to get ride of this, but at same time, I want to keep it.
I told my colleagues “ I think I am living a beautiful story”
Yeah, me and the movies where the guy comes to get me in a white horse!
Too much TV, I guess
Kept telling “ the guy you looking for is out there, believe it!”
And that fucking guy was right there in front of me!!!!! In addition, he fucking knew who that guy was, and he let me go!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? Why stupid, for what?
Oh, I am tearing apart and angry at same time.
OK, being rational - is grieve!
Fuck it
I am angry at these feelings
I broke down, BUT, I will stand up. I will become what he is. I will become more than he is. Maybe one day I will be able to take in his hand and say “ come with me, don’t worry, stand up, let’s go baby”
The other one who made him let me go, that one would be exactly what he is now, and I will keep going and become more that he would like to be.
there, I process everything I had 2 process this
He had become " the fallen Angel"
This will be is nickname
Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I saw the signs,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you let me go and tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke your promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
This world may have failed you,
It doesn’t give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you let me go and tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke your promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
domingo, 6 de setembro de 2009
Angry man
Mennnn, working with men is a little more complicate than women, or is just me in adaptation process.
Anyway, I got this client that was coming from a relapse.
He was clean through NA for 8 years, so as all NA clients he shows up proclaiming NA and the 12 steps.
I believe that happens with everyone who comes from NA after a relapse. Happen with me also when I was in treatment. Before I was going to NA and I was clean for 22 months, so when I arrive treatment I already knew what was to work in me, and I knew everything, and no one could tell me shit.
The first thing he told was “ you need to call my mother to manipulate her, in order for here to stop screaming with me”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing “ call to manipulate”
He was very honest in what he ask! Lol
My answer was “ no, I am not doing that without know you”
He reacted very bad to that.
He has a huge anger problem with his mother and brother.
He says that his brother is manipulating his mother, and he told his mother that she had it choose between the brothers.
Our conversations were going bad all the time. I didn’t argue with him, but I would leave.
I kept telling him “ stop talking when I am talking with you; you are trying to control me”
He is very aggressive, and arrogant, and that made me not get close to that client.
Last week I asked him to leave the group due an anger attack he had with me.
I kept thinking about him, day after day.
Funny that I always have the angry crazy clients. I think I like to break their mind in peaces, lol
I decided last Friday to talk to him
I had the need to understand that client, and I think I got it now.
Because I cannot have a normal conversation with him due he is always trying to control the conversation and therefore communication is impossible, I decided to write him questions.
I would give to me and asked him to answer me right there by paper.
The way he writes is so angry that I have to read it twice to understand the answer to my question.
Today I came home to lunch, thinking about him, and THEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Then comes the light!!!! Oh God! I love this job!
Lol
Is brother kept coming to my head, and normally when something or someone comes up in my head is because is there a point!
I asked him by paper:
- who is the oldest one?
- who started to use drugs first?
- how you father die?
- during your use of drugs you suffer more? Your father or mother?
- did your mother or father had emotional or physical problems during your use?
- your wife married with you before or after you had your companies?
The answers gave me a clue, but the conversation gave me the true of the problem.
So, what is really happening…………………….
So we have here 2 brothers
My client is the youngest
The oldest is the chosen child. Is the favorite by their parents.
The quite one, the obedient one.
My client is the rebel, but in the middle of the friends and girls he is the chosen one - the popular.
so what happened to them?
My client felt rejected by his brother, due the jalousies the other one felt.
The other wanted to be like is youngest brother - popular
My client wanted to be accepted by his brother and parents.
My client decided to make everything to please the brother in order to get approval.
But the brother is a taker. Is the one who lives trying to be like his brother and believes that has to be just one in the family and that as to be him!
When my client relapsed the brother bought his boat pretending that he was other person.
My client just found out that was his brother when he shows up with his boat has owner.
So, here is a fight of power.
My client in the past paid to his brother an addiction treatment.
The price was his pay check leaving my client without money to drink a coffee.
Why working for his brother treatment?
The need to be accepted by him. The need to hear “ you are a wonderful brother” ‘ we are going to be best friends”
The brother used his father dead, to manipulate the mother against the other brother. How? Simple.
The father died 16 months ago. The mother finds herself alone, with a dead husband and a drug addict son who relapsed.
The other brother comes and says “ or it is me or him’
Who do you think the mother is going to choose in order to not be alone?
The other brother.
I knew it was something wrong!
I know family gets upset with addicts when they are using, but the anger of the normal wasn’t a normal anger. Was too much for someone who was clean 8 years and had a relapse.
Is the kind of anger that is so defensive in order to not feel vulnerable and was in their last phone call I got suspicious.
He told me that he was on the phone with his mother and after all the anger and all the insults she turn and said ‘ I gotta go. I am taking the bus”
That made me suspicious, realizing that she was running from her feelings.
So, now the therapy to my client is all about accept that he may don’t have the brother of his dreams, and he needs to accept that in order to move on.
isn’t gong to be easy! Lol
Well, but I am already in his mind, for now one is just have calm and let the recovery process to start.
Anyway, I got this client that was coming from a relapse.
He was clean through NA for 8 years, so as all NA clients he shows up proclaiming NA and the 12 steps.
I believe that happens with everyone who comes from NA after a relapse. Happen with me also when I was in treatment. Before I was going to NA and I was clean for 22 months, so when I arrive treatment I already knew what was to work in me, and I knew everything, and no one could tell me shit.
The first thing he told was “ you need to call my mother to manipulate her, in order for here to stop screaming with me”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing “ call to manipulate”
He was very honest in what he ask! Lol
My answer was “ no, I am not doing that without know you”
He reacted very bad to that.
He has a huge anger problem with his mother and brother.
He says that his brother is manipulating his mother, and he told his mother that she had it choose between the brothers.
Our conversations were going bad all the time. I didn’t argue with him, but I would leave.
I kept telling him “ stop talking when I am talking with you; you are trying to control me”
He is very aggressive, and arrogant, and that made me not get close to that client.
Last week I asked him to leave the group due an anger attack he had with me.
I kept thinking about him, day after day.
Funny that I always have the angry crazy clients. I think I like to break their mind in peaces, lol
I decided last Friday to talk to him
I had the need to understand that client, and I think I got it now.
Because I cannot have a normal conversation with him due he is always trying to control the conversation and therefore communication is impossible, I decided to write him questions.
I would give to me and asked him to answer me right there by paper.
The way he writes is so angry that I have to read it twice to understand the answer to my question.
Today I came home to lunch, thinking about him, and THEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Then comes the light!!!! Oh God! I love this job!
Lol
Is brother kept coming to my head, and normally when something or someone comes up in my head is because is there a point!
I asked him by paper:
- who is the oldest one?
- who started to use drugs first?
- how you father die?
- during your use of drugs you suffer more? Your father or mother?
- did your mother or father had emotional or physical problems during your use?
- your wife married with you before or after you had your companies?
The answers gave me a clue, but the conversation gave me the true of the problem.
So, what is really happening…………………….
So we have here 2 brothers
My client is the youngest
The oldest is the chosen child. Is the favorite by their parents.
The quite one, the obedient one.
My client is the rebel, but in the middle of the friends and girls he is the chosen one - the popular.
so what happened to them?
My client felt rejected by his brother, due the jalousies the other one felt.
The other wanted to be like is youngest brother - popular
My client wanted to be accepted by his brother and parents.
My client decided to make everything to please the brother in order to get approval.
But the brother is a taker. Is the one who lives trying to be like his brother and believes that has to be just one in the family and that as to be him!
When my client relapsed the brother bought his boat pretending that he was other person.
My client just found out that was his brother when he shows up with his boat has owner.
So, here is a fight of power.
My client in the past paid to his brother an addiction treatment.
The price was his pay check leaving my client without money to drink a coffee.
Why working for his brother treatment?
The need to be accepted by him. The need to hear “ you are a wonderful brother” ‘ we are going to be best friends”
The brother used his father dead, to manipulate the mother against the other brother. How? Simple.
The father died 16 months ago. The mother finds herself alone, with a dead husband and a drug addict son who relapsed.
The other brother comes and says “ or it is me or him’
Who do you think the mother is going to choose in order to not be alone?
The other brother.
I knew it was something wrong!
I know family gets upset with addicts when they are using, but the anger of the normal wasn’t a normal anger. Was too much for someone who was clean 8 years and had a relapse.
Is the kind of anger that is so defensive in order to not feel vulnerable and was in their last phone call I got suspicious.
He told me that he was on the phone with his mother and after all the anger and all the insults she turn and said ‘ I gotta go. I am taking the bus”
That made me suspicious, realizing that she was running from her feelings.
So, now the therapy to my client is all about accept that he may don’t have the brother of his dreams, and he needs to accept that in order to move on.
isn’t gong to be easy! Lol
Well, but I am already in his mind, for now one is just have calm and let the recovery process to start.
sexta-feira, 4 de setembro de 2009
they will keep comming back
How rejection affects recovery and why
OK, so we have a client that relapsed “again”.
Relapse isn't a sign of weakness, or a failure, or even because people are not in recovery.
Relapse happens, is a fact!
How much longer we are going to expel people whom relapse?
How much longer that we counselors are going to reject those folks?
Isn't our job to understand why they relapse?
Isn't our job to search, and investigate the reason that clients sabotage their recovery?
How much longer we are going to let them keep coming back with the same problem?
Isn't our job, to explain and do relapse prevention?
So let me go back to the client and you may understand what i am talking about.
This client was abandoned and adopted by other family. That means this client grew up with the feeling that he doesn't belong ; the need of family ; the feeling of inadequate ; the feeling of rejection.
So what do you think this client will become?
Just a drug addict?
Just an alcoholic?
Just a criminal?
Just someone who isn't ready for recovery?
Just someone who doest want to be in recovery?
Just someone who still wants to use?
NO!
he is just someone like others that doesn't understand why he wants recovery, but at the end relapses.
Lets see what means institutionalized
means there is someone who is trying to make of the treatment centers their home.
Is making of their peers their brothers and sisters.
Is making of staff their parents.
The world outside seams to big to the addict.
He will have to experience feelings of inadequacy; feelings of want a family and not have one.
See, we are talking about clients that don't have the wisdom to figure this out for themselves.
Probably this addicts will never leave treatment centers. Is their family1
so now you ask me: “ but explain why they relapse if they know they will expel from this treatment center?????!!!!”
OK, they will from THIS ONE, But, unconscious they know they will end up in another one soon.
They keep the game....belong and be rejected
the counselors keep up with their game – accept them until they do good and then reject them
see, when the counselors are thinking they are doing good when expel someone that relapses, they are just playing the game – the vicious cycle.
Is there impossible to talk with that client and try to figure out why this keep happening?
If you have a client that was abandoned emotional of physical by their parents ( may be 99% of them), pay attention!
See if that client isnt making you their mother or father.
How to help them?
Easy, talk with them. Dont expell them.
Try to understand with them the reason of that relapse, and what was a motivation.
You are going to be amazing when you find out that the motivation was just one – keep comming back to treatment.
See, treatment had become the bally of their mothers. A place that they feel confortable.
You need to this but at same time you need to reject the client while in treatment.
Huh????????? you ask, lol
huh????? is she crazy?????
No, I am not!
I said “ dont expell them”
But, reject them slowly....ignore them for a few days. Let them feel rejection in order to gain skills and defense mechanisms to deal with that.
Cut the cordao umbilical, but dont stop to watch them close.
Make them self suficient, and teach them that is possible to survive to rejction.~teach them that treatment isnt to stay or keep comming back.
Make them understand that you are not their parents and no one will be.
They cannot substitute, or compensate.
They were abandoned, THAT IS A FACT; cant change the past, but they can understand what happened to them, how that affects them today, and how they can deal with that in the future.
Done :)
OK, so we have a client that relapsed “again”.
Relapse isn't a sign of weakness, or a failure, or even because people are not in recovery.
Relapse happens, is a fact!
How much longer we are going to expel people whom relapse?
How much longer that we counselors are going to reject those folks?
Isn't our job to understand why they relapse?
Isn't our job to search, and investigate the reason that clients sabotage their recovery?
How much longer we are going to let them keep coming back with the same problem?
Isn't our job, to explain and do relapse prevention?
So let me go back to the client and you may understand what i am talking about.
This client was abandoned and adopted by other family. That means this client grew up with the feeling that he doesn't belong ; the need of family ; the feeling of inadequate ; the feeling of rejection.
So what do you think this client will become?
Just a drug addict?
Just an alcoholic?
Just a criminal?
Just someone who isn't ready for recovery?
Just someone who doest want to be in recovery?
Just someone who still wants to use?
NO!
he is just someone like others that doesn't understand why he wants recovery, but at the end relapses.
Lets see what means institutionalized
means there is someone who is trying to make of the treatment centers their home.
Is making of their peers their brothers and sisters.
Is making of staff their parents.
The world outside seams to big to the addict.
He will have to experience feelings of inadequacy; feelings of want a family and not have one.
See, we are talking about clients that don't have the wisdom to figure this out for themselves.
Probably this addicts will never leave treatment centers. Is their family1
so now you ask me: “ but explain why they relapse if they know they will expel from this treatment center?????!!!!”
OK, they will from THIS ONE, But, unconscious they know they will end up in another one soon.
They keep the game....belong and be rejected
the counselors keep up with their game – accept them until they do good and then reject them
see, when the counselors are thinking they are doing good when expel someone that relapses, they are just playing the game – the vicious cycle.
Is there impossible to talk with that client and try to figure out why this keep happening?
If you have a client that was abandoned emotional of physical by their parents ( may be 99% of them), pay attention!
See if that client isnt making you their mother or father.
How to help them?
Easy, talk with them. Dont expell them.
Try to understand with them the reason of that relapse, and what was a motivation.
You are going to be amazing when you find out that the motivation was just one – keep comming back to treatment.
See, treatment had become the bally of their mothers. A place that they feel confortable.
You need to this but at same time you need to reject the client while in treatment.
Huh????????? you ask, lol
huh????? is she crazy?????
No, I am not!
I said “ dont expell them”
But, reject them slowly....ignore them for a few days. Let them feel rejection in order to gain skills and defense mechanisms to deal with that.
Cut the cordao umbilical, but dont stop to watch them close.
Make them self suficient, and teach them that is possible to survive to rejction.~teach them that treatment isnt to stay or keep comming back.
Make them understand that you are not their parents and no one will be.
They cannot substitute, or compensate.
They were abandoned, THAT IS A FACT; cant change the past, but they can understand what happened to them, how that affects them today, and how they can deal with that in the future.
Done :)
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