awareness

So here is one of the things that I wanted to tell you and I called “spiritual awareness”

I was driving to work (today) and I got a click.

I was thinking:

Why I sleep with men in the first date (not with all, of course, just the ones I am interesting or I feel attraction)

Normal people call it sabotage.

I meet a guy, and if I feel attraction, I sleep with him right way, even that I know that I am going to loose him after that.

So the click was:

I don’t let them know me because somehow I believe if they know me they are not like me, and then I won’t have sex with them.

Is like the book “once you know who I am, you are not going to like me”

This had become abnormal.

The last time I had sex with a guy he looked at me and he said: “you don’t want to know my name?”

Was very embarrassed. I even didn’t want to know his name.

Why?

Because I put nicknames on them….like …the bad boy guy, the maintenance guy; the crazy guy, the banker guy.

I don’t call them for their names; I use nicknames, like if they were objects.

Why? Why I am doing that?

I didn’t figure out that yet!

Other thing that surprises me a lot is the fact that several men had ask me “what are you looking for”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER!

I don’t know what to tell them, and I found myself in a stupid situation when that happens and I feel so ignorant and empty with anything to say.

What I am looking for?

Why I don’t connect with anyone in this country?

Is that because I may unconscious think that one day I am going back home, so why I won't connect?

Or is because unconscious I believe if I connect that will make me stay?

I know is something, because I also know that I am not crazy.

Maybe this is just a phase

sick like a dog and empthy

So here I am , can't breath again, sneezing all the time, weak like a dog.
So I am taking antibiotics from India, from the black market.
I had 2 horrible weeks at work, but I was able to tell my supervisor my feelings about it, and that was god because we end up the week been good to each other.
He end up the week giving me his chair, and I end up the week telling him how much I like him.
So what happened?
3 clients had decide to complain about me to a counselor. The counselor who is pist off about me decided to make a big deal, because was about me, and the supervisor decided to make the huge mistake to call them in and open the door for their complains, and give them the power.
Shit, if you want to open the door to a 3 clients that are complain about me, you may want to open the door to other 3 clients to ask about me!
3 clients are not all the unit!!!
I told my supervisor " you have full access to me, why you didnt call me in your office and ask me if was true?"
I found out later that one of the clients said i called her crazy - lie
I also told him " I have the right to get mad with you. you just need to give me space and let me get over it.
I also told him " you want to get ride of me, please do it! dont send me to anywhere, just buy me a fly ticket and send me home."
Then I found out that one of the slick and devious counselors had resin..... and then I laugh, of course, and I said " who was right? yeahhhh Miss Vale is after counselors right ( been sarcastic)
My supervisor told me that I need to stop making myself one of the clients, and be this " I am the counselor! I do not do mistakes"
nahhhhhhh, dont think so!
For me this is not about counselor, client. Is about building trust.
I am a role model on that unit. I am in 80% of their trading places on MRT
So I may not be so bad
yesterday I was home when I got a text message from my co worker saying that one of the clients wanted to abscond at 1am.
I called her and I said " where do you want to go??? shittttt!!! " she started laugh right way. I kept saying " look, you may want to wait for me and we abscond together, and go to Macdonals" - she laugh even hard
then she said " no, I am not going anywhere. I was frustrated"
I am sick like a dog, I am frustrated with my last 2 work weeks and I could just say " fuck it" and even dont call to work and talk with the client, right?
the pint of the this story -dont try to make me who I am not. dont try to make me perfect - I am much more fun like this!
They already have a facility full of " perfect counselors". lets have al least " 1 wild counselor"
I dont like the word " wild " too much.
My co worker yesterday told me that I am wild as hell, but I dont make crazy decisions. He said when I have to make a decision, I think a lot bout it.
He said that I am all what the clients want to become one day - like me
well, he is the second person who tells me that this month.
So what is my problem?????
insecure!!!!!
dont know if I keep being like I am or change like my supervisor wants, and become miserable at work, just to please him - that would be dishonest.
Anyway talking about goos stuff......
I am been talking with this friend of mine who is the owner of 2 treatment centers in Portugal.
He is my friend for since 1996.
We speak several times online, but in other day we was talking about counselors who decide to become counselors with less that 5 years in recovery.
The conversation end up me and him talking about education, and I sent him my certificates by email for him to see ---- was my ego, I know!!!! lol
I was expecting him to tell me " very good; I am proud of you"
dammmmmmmmmmm...... do you know what was his answer???????
I couldnt believe!!!!!!!
his answer was " OH MY GOD!!!! YOU ARE MORE CERTIFICATED THAN 98% OF THE COUNSELORS IN PORTUGAL"
My brain almost explode """"" so I am above of the 98%???? so I am more than qualified even as a CI in Portugal????
THANKS FOR SHARING!!!! lol
He said 98% take 28 days courses in Hazelden, lol

I am getting sick again

The flu is again in my body, I guess....so i HAVE A lot to write here, but my body just hurts...going to bed
I just want to make a greatful note for the intervention that my director did today on the unit...
thank u

aiiiiiiiiiiii what the hell is going on????

I can't believe this!!!! is everyone crazy?
what hell????

So I got this email from work where says that staff isn’t doing anything about clients behavior!!!!
OMG!
I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!!!
I have been reporting client’s behavior; I even gave the supervisor statements about sex games.
I was told to ignore because if I confront the situation the clients become aware and then will hide the sexual game.
I was told to let the clients run the unit to get them faster on house ban.
I was told that I was mean, and the clients on my shift are afraid to break the rules because they know they will be confronted.
So what I should do???
This just irritates me!
Where are the statements where I report the sex games?
Why one of the most dangerous clients on the unit is now the favorite?
Where are the emails I sent reporting everything on the unit?
Huh…… wondering
But now, what is really bothering the staff is the fact that the clients sang happy birthday to me…..
The unit is out of control. I see counselors avoiding conflict and go to the middle of the clients to find out what is going on.
I was told to let them run the unit, so I let it.
The clients they do what they want.
- They leave and go sleep to their rooms
- They forget people on the unit when they go to lunch
- They have sex games, all over
- They go outside without staff authorization
- They split staff
- They call bitches, whores to each other
- They sleep in group all the time
- They steal
- They give clothes to each other
- They wear make up - pencil make up
- They even use the staff restroom
- They argue with staff
- They are never ever in line on props or line up on the grey line
- Clients faking that they are sick
- The doors of their rooms are always close
So what else do they need more to put them in house ban?
their behavior is getting to staff.... all the unit is split, even staff.
we need to kick the structure again
One thing I know…..I have been reporting everything that goes on the unit.
I have been battle with that, and then come other staff to question my conduct, when what I am doing is confronting the behavior.
I don’t sit watch the war, I go to the war.
I don’t avoid conflict; I go to the field to investigate it
Whatever!
Fed up!

this was ridiculous

So last Wednesday at staff meeting I had become aware that I was circle up, lol
I have these visions and feelings that I don’t know how to explain it, what I know is, I have those.
When I arrived to the unit I felt negativity in the air. Heavy air, silence….
My co worker who does med call and group all the time at Wednesday decided for the first time not to do it.
Also for the first time she didn’t say “hey girl I have so much to tell you; these supervisors they are really stupid with no education”
The only “normal thing she did was, when listening the unit voice mail she made fun how the supervisor talks”
I saw 4 clients who speak at me all the time, acting weird. I saw guilty in their eyes.
But what that told me?
Told me that something was wrong. She had changed her habits!
Soon I found out why at the staff meeting.
Let me tell you first how I act in my life, and this already comes from a long time.
I had lost friends because of that…oh yes, I still remember, but one of the things I am faithful in the places I work.

The faithful comes telling the true all the time.
One day I was working in a company, and I was working with my friends. They have been my friends for 5 years.
They had decided to cheat on the boss and get vacations paid and don’t show up to work anymore. They lied just to get their money.
I lost my friends from 5 years because I reported them.
So that means I can love you but I will report you if you do something very wrong!
So this counselor had decided to steal cigarettes from the clients.
This fact is coming since I worked as a tech in other treatment center. At that time I worked with her and cigarettes were disappearing every day.
The clients reported to me and in staff meeting I said “the clients are saying that you stole cigarettes from them”
Silence………………….. Not a single word.
I didn’t hear “what?????” from her
I dint hear from the supervision “is that true?”
Just silence……………..
So I just let it go.
Next day a client tells me that the counselor called her in and told her:
“Look, you told on me when I gave you a cigarette, and I was just trying to help you”
The client said “but Miss, just asked me, and I had to say the true”
So the counselor closes the office door and reply:
“OK, I just want to let you know that I am going to deny it”
The client says: “so, you are let them think that I am a liar just because you are the counselor?”
ISN’T SAD?
YEAH it is!
So the issue with me was:
I am sarcastic and I made fun of the counselors
I threat people
I use vulgarity as “shit”
Sarcastic - yes I am! I make fun of everything, I make everything fun! I’m funny!
Threat people - I will circle you up if you don’t tell the true”
You wanna leave treatment, then leave, I am ready to make paper work”
If you start acting crazy I will send to core”
If you are sleeping in your room I will call abscond on you”
Vulgarity - yes! I say shit a lot! But, BUT, let me tell you something…the flip side of that is the clients feel comfortable in my groups to say : “ …because crack I had to suck a lot of dicks”
…. I am tired, fuck this…..”
They feel free to express themselves in every way possible. They let out!
See, they know I am the counselor, but they also know I am one of them who don’t try to use the counselor status to pretend that I am this big shit, very good, very perfect person!
They know how unperfected I am! But they also know that is possible to be imperfect and successfully in recovery…and have lots of fun!
The client even know every month that I am with PMS..I Tell them!
Why I tell them??????
Because they are women and I want them to become aware that PMS can be a huge trigger in early recovery…..if they learn how their body works, they will learn how to manage their moods alteration.
Of course I just share with them what I believe is going to help them.
They don’t know much more about me, because they keep saying “you must be, you must do, you seam wild, you appear…”
I allow clients to be who they are with me.
I have clients telling what men asking them to do sexual in order to get drugs. They feel free to share!
Anyway, going back to staff meeting….here I was on the spot for the second time.
Yep second time… when I was working on the cottage D, one counselor decided to gang up the clients on me with authorization with the same supervisor.
I already reported a lot of stuff about other clients, but I never, ever saw that supervisor confronting them…..NEVER saw it.
What I see is the counselors who reject him; he has a need to please them in order to get their acceptance.
Me? He has my full acceptance, so he patronizes me.
My supervisor doesn’t accept the fact I don’t have a sponsor, and I don’t do NA meetings. So that makes him treat me like if I was a client, or a kid.
Look…..I HAVE 11 YEARS IN RECOVERY!!!!
What that means?????
I had spend 8 years having a sponsor….. 9 years doing meetings everyday, and service work…. Hello!!!!!!!!!
I even organized a NA convention in 2000 and something.
Don’t fuck judge me for my last 3 years of 11 years!!!
If you tell me I need therapy, psychodrama…..I will agree right there!
Just pointing out…. I like him a lot, and I know he likes me also, but I don’t like when he acts out with me.
When I do a mistake he has this need to prove my director that I am not what my director thinks that I am.
I don’t know why he wants to prove him that????
Jalousies?
I dint figure out yet, and I don’t want too. Why???
Because my director has a high intelligence and he knows me more than everyone there.
He knows how far I am to become perfect!!!
He knows my weakness and my strengths because I share IT ALL with him.
He even knows the “bad / insane things I do in my life”
So the honesty kicks in and wins!
Why sometimes he so hard for help to see outside of the box???
Why he didn’t realized yet that I don’t need a sponsor because I have my mentor who I share everything and I get help, as in my personal life, and professional life. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, my supervisor didn’t get what he wanted for my director so he decided to do his little revenge and move one of my clients to another counselor.
Why that client?
Because he knew was my favorite client, so he tried to hurt me.
Didn’t hurt, because I was able to see how childish that was.
The client was very upset with that. He lies to the client.
He told the client” I am making you ready to go home, and that is why you are leaving Miss Vale caseload”
So this client just now got phase 4. He didn’t even ask her if her family took any classes, so how he is making her ready to go home????
Was a lie.
When I asked him why, he didn’t answer. So no one knows what the true reason was that client was taken from my caseload.
Why? Because is no reason! Was just to hurt me!
I told the client: “look, sometimes counselors they do mistakes. They are not perfect. This wasn’t about you. Was about me!
But let me tell you something; we have something that no one can destroy anymore….. We have trust! We had built a trust relationship with each other, and even if you are not my client that trust will stay!
See, I have favorite clients but I don’t get codependent or freak out.
I know the clients they came to my hands and one day I have to let them go.
I refuse to make clients hostages!
My ego doesn’t freak out when I loose a client.
Here is another reason why.
If you take a client from my caseload I will not be upset…WHY?
Simple, because I look to the all unit has MY CLIENTS!
I help everyone there!!!! I am there for everyone!!!! Not just for my caseload.
My caseload is just the people I have to do individual sessions, and paper work…just that….. They don’t belong to me!
I help all of them; I care about all of them. I am aware of all of them.
If the facility director walks in the unit one of these days and decides to ask me “tell me about the clients one by one” I will be able to give her all the information about each one.
So that why that didn’t affect me so much.
Going back to the topic, so here we have again for the second time 3 or 4 clients who have a resentment with me and my supervisor decides to make that a big thing like if is all the unit!!!!
See, in this field we need to be aware that we have clients that love us, but we also have clients that hate us, and so what???? What is the problem????
Let people choose to like us and hate us. They have that right!
Do you like everyone???? No you don’t! So why clients they need to be different???
Is because you are helping them????? So what?????
You have chosen to help clients without expectations!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!! Shit!
The unit was very upset with the gang up on me, and they shared that feeling Thursday at the morning meeting. Today they made me a surprise by taking me by surprise and sing happy birthday to me, and made me a Mickey Mouse pancake J with chocolate J
Was good!!!
At the end I heard a huge scream “we love you Miss Vale”
NOW, do you know what the sad true on this is?????
Do you know at the end what this tell us????
That counselors USE the resentments of the clients to gang up on the other counselors. They feed that resentment.
One of my clients that the other counselor hates came to me and told me that 1 pack of her cigarettes disappears.
I didn’t feed, or even spoke about the other counselor. I told her:
You wanna complain do it.
She wrote a grievance reporting missing 1 pack of cigarettes.
I just place the grievance in my supervisor box and I am going him to be the one to investigate it. I DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT!
Every time I do he thinks I am chasing counselors!!!! When what I am doing is reporting in order for them to become aware and be able to defend themselves.
Now, do I like investigation????
I love it!!!!!!!!!!
I love to search and think, and find out….I just loves it!!!!!!!!!!!
I would love to be a CSI!!!!!
No, I am not chasing counselors. I just don’t keep secrets with them!
I can love them; I can hate them but I DO NOT WORK FOR THEM!
I work for Wilmut!
If one day someone asks me to betray my director over money, position, lies, power, I WILL RESIN!
I am faithful to my director. Why? Because what he has done for me is bigger than lies, power, money, status, lies.
He believes in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.
He gives me his hand and stands me up, when I fall
He tells me to keep going when I want to give up
He sees in me what I even don’t see in myself
And because of that I will say the true and nothing but the true so help me God! lol

NOW............... what is better that an orgasm?????
at this time of my life, this is, lol