Looking for a victim

Ok. So here I am again. Been quite, been trying to act out.
I found myself very angry. Let me tell how the weekend was, and how I saw my anger that was hidden.
I was working when the new counselor arrived. I realized I didn’t have to do over time, so I was allowed to leave at 7.00pm.
On my way home, I decided to show up by surprise in a NA meeting. When I arrived some of them almost did a party. They were so happy to see me. I was so welcome. The other part didn’t speak with me due he told them about my situation with John. So is a part of the group who are happy to see, and is other part who isn’t. So, why I found out I was still angry?
I saw this guy there that I never saw before. A very attractive guy. We look at each other in same way. Immediately I asked my friends who was that guy. I was told he was someone who just relapsed after a few years in recovery. My answer was dammmmmm!
Then I went online and I registered myself in all free date websites. Soon they started to talk with me; I felt “oh God, I don’t have patience to talk with this people. So I erased myself of the websites.
Then I was “obligated “to go to the Dallas Cowboys game. The guy had two tickets and implores me to go with him. So I went. When I arrived to the bus I realized I was in the middle of rich people. We went on this limousine bus, and I got this scare and defensive body language. I dint said a word. I spent most of the time smoking cigarettes during the game. Smoking cigarettes outside. Then I sat in the couch, and was obvious I didn’t want to be there, and football doesn’t tell me anything, and is just boring to me. I was feeling crazy. Now the craziest thought I had during the game. I know that I may be weird for most of you, and my thoughts can be very sick, but I have to tell and write down my thought even if I think people will think I am insane. Well, when I am hurt I become half insane. I say half insane because the other half is already sane and is the one who stops me.
So my thought: the suite had a restroom, and was a big restroom with a huge mirror.
My first thought was:
‘Wow, would be amazing to have sex here”
My second thought was:
“Dam, if I could find someone right now, I would have sex in one of these restrooms.”
Now the insane part was I started to look around to make that happen. I even was looking at the other suites to find someone, like a really emotional vampire looking for a victim.
I went home sad, because I was thinking how emotional vampire I am when I am hurt. When I am hurt I just go to look for a new victim.
I know this is not because I am an addict, because I know when a human be is vulnerable like I am today, that this shit happens.
How many people who cried I others shoulders end up in bed with them?
The sexual desire walked with me during this days off. Is like the pleasure I see vampires in the movies having when they suck the blood from their victims.
The point isn’t that. The point is I KNOW. Once I know what I am doing isn’t funny anymore. Once I know I feel.
Is times like this I which to not know, because would be so must easier to act out with shame, guilty, without conscience.