Auto Manipulation

I called my mother yesterday, and when she said hello, I barely could hear her voice.
I asked her what was going on, and she told me her heart was very weak. Then she adds: “you are just coming here in February, right? Before you told you was coming in November and now you are just coming in February .I think you are not going to see me ever again, because I am about to die. My heart is very weak and I can’t wait.”
I pretend that I don’t care while I am on phone, but then I play the tape over and over again.
My thoughts are: and if is true this time?
And if she die?
Today when I called I was thinking that maybe would be a neighbor answering the phone, to tell me that she died. So that means the message came through my brain, and soul.
Because sometimes I am incapable to do what I preach, I go to the denial stage. More honest than that, I go to the auto manipulation. I am very manipulative, and I am capable to auto manipulate and sabotage everything, BUT, as a coward I don’t get responsible for my feelings, so I have to go find out something that can justify my decisions.
My auto manipulation/ sabotage is aware that I will successes thought resentments.
If I got resentment then I will be able to justify my decisions = I did that because of that. RaRarely I say that I did that because I chosen to, not because others hurt me.
So I asked my husband to go to his computer to download the software of the handy cam.
While on his computer my auto manipulation started to work.
Thought: see his history.
Well, if you see it you may get to see what you don’t want, and then you get hurt.
I don’t care I go and see it anyway.
So I did, and so I got it.
Here I found on his history costaricaticas which is a website where men find the prostitution in Costa ricas, and they have a forum where they talk with each other and tell each other which woman to have sex, and what she does for them, and how much they pay her, and if she is nice or rude.
Is like a meat market.
I so tired before I went his computer, and I had a plan to go sleep after. Oh God! After I saw that my eternalized pop and I was not sleepy anymore. I was I anger!
Then I saw he went to orbitz to see how much would be to go there.
I confronted him, but he always has a justification, he said he was bored.
My answer to that was: yeah, is what the clients tell me, that they went back to use because they were bored.
I woke up this morning thinking again about what my mother said to me, and at same time thinking about my husband. I was walking into Wal-Mart and I thought:
I should take the LCDC test in December. I have 2 months to study. Oh well, I take the LCDC in December but I don’t get the license before 4000 hours.
Then my recovery part took place and I stared to think:
Shit, why you always give up? Why always you allow your mother to make your head.
What are you going to do then? Doesn’t really matter where you go, or where you run, because you are going to have the same problem.
I struggle time to time with this, and is always because I keep hearing what my mother says.
So I am a good counselor to tell the clients that they need to give permission to their self to feel guilty in order to learn how to deal with that. I keep telling that they never will get ride of their guilty because is not possible to forget what they did, but then when comes to me, I forget what I say to others, and I start acting out.
Auto manipulation. The true is I am scare that may be true what my mother says. I am more scared because I feel guilty. I have this feeling that if my mother dies I will die too.
This must come because I am a chronic inadequate person. I keep be an inadequate, always with a sensation that I don’t belong.
How many time this happen before that I am aware?
I keep remember that I abscond from treatment because my mother kept calling saying that she was sick. And then I auto manipulate myself saying that I was going because I was tired of the guys who were with me I treatment.
I keep trying to save the world when I am surviving because I cannot save myself of this struggle.
Why is so easy to be a good counselor to others, and is so hard to be a good counselor to myself?
My counseling would be so benefic used on me.
I ran away from my mother but didn’t work, because I still have the same feelings. The true is I am trying to do something for myself here. I am trying to have some success, and be something, someone.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along