Frustration

What a day today. I came work at 6.30am and everything was about to change.
One of my clients was going to leave in 3 days and she just absconds. Ridiculous hum???
No….. Unfortunally was what I suspected. She is been a prostitute since young age, and she had become an addict to the streets. Is easier to her to go back to the streets than have a job, and a normal life. A normal life for her means prison, the lost of liberty.
Having a job, having a house, having to pay bills is a burn, a prison.
For her walking back and forward the streets is freedom. She uses, she wakes up when she wants to, she lives in the streets, doesn’t have to pay bills. The only way for this happen is going back to use drugs. I tried to give her that freedom by telling to go live with her children. She said she would, but once again, she would be prisoner, by justifying where she goes, what she does.
Sad, but true.
She absconds because she wants the institution takes care of her. Once she is in jail, they will feed her, bath her, and once again she doesn’t need to be responsible.
Everything happen today at work made me look at me. I felt myself vulnerable when I tried to figure out how my supervisor was looking at me. I didn’t say much at staff meeting, and I could see that, so was easy for me to understand I was feeling guilty, and shame…I had become a client to myself. This is the way I am feeling. Is like this week I have the wisdom to others but I don’t have it to myself. I see parts of me on them. All of them have something that I had, or still keep coming back. Wednesday isn’t very good to me. My qcc is over there, and I feel tense, and the environment becomes heavy to me. My CI book is not update since he left on vacation, so I keep feeding this resentment. He is playing games with me, until one of this days he gets a grievance from me, because my book. Anyway, moving on…I am with self pity attitude, witch is the word f… in my mouth.
A probation officer decided to unauthorized me, and that made me mad…. She thinks she knows what the best is for the clients. She doesn’t know shit. She is just too codependent. So I wonder how many she is going to do the same. I just wanted to tell her…F u.
Then a stupid call, asking why we don’t return the phone calls back. Jesus! Then I wanted to say to the director, stop making jokes, because you are not funny, and why are you waiting so long to make my supervisor director??? Then I look to the female who works with me, and I had become suspicious, thinking when I am not there they talk about me, and she is playing double side….. Then I felt “naked” exposed to my supervisor. In this week he knows everything about me. In a week I showed him all my weakness and I kept looking at him like a lost girl. I thought: shit girl, you are too crazy today…angry, paranoid. This is not about them; this is about you, and what you have been doing.
My head is full about to explode. Then I spoke with John, and he didn’t make sense anymore. I am too angry too feel stuff. So then I decided to follow my supervisor suggestion and I went to have dinner by myself. I couldn’t feel anything, because I was to obsess thinking about the woman who abscond, and the other with a cell phone.
I kept wondering: I am behaving like them???? The reason I am thinking this is because I kept talking about freedom this weekend. Point number 2; I kept acting on my sexual part. That is what scared me most.
Is time to make decisions, and maintain it. The way to find peace at this time is making decisions. I need to. I am feeling more anxious; poor listen skills, because I am to obsess with confusion.

I need to make decisions.