second part / treatment

06/11/98


I spent the day feeling bad because step 1, and because I don’t speak with Peter yet. It is uncomfortable to be in same space as him. I am resentful and angry with myself because I fed the disease. I am feeling guilty because my step 1. Also the therapeutic movie I saw today made me feel like garbage. I asked for help to two of my sisters. At night I had a break down and I started to cry. They tell me that is ok to feel what I am feeling. I am feeling very small, and I am not seen anything good in me. I still have the tendency to isolate from others.


06/12/98


I spoke with counselor Fernando. I was desperate to talk about me. My relationship with Celine got better. It’s necessary, because we both need each other. I felt rejected in morning group. I asked for help to Orlando and he explains that the group functions like that. Today I didn’t feel bad to be away of Peter. We are still away of each other.
I don’t feel self acceptance, and self esteem. The acceptance is the base of recovery. At the NA meeting I was anxious, so I share in the beginning of the meeting. I suggest the topic at the meeting and was accepted. I shared about acceptance and the identifications from others helped me a lot. One of my peers told me that I was an addict to meetings, but he couldn’t make me feel bad.


Comment 08/27/08 dam, how many days I spent with this Peter thing!!!! Wasting time in treatment. Asking for attention.



06/13/98


We had to draw something and was very cool what I did. I was able to face my shame. At the beginning I felt shame. Was a personalized work and I was proud of what I did. I was able to face my shame with one of the counselors. I was ashamed because I knew him form the NA meetings. At the NA meeting in liked what the guy shared. He said that he was greatful for Na, and I can relate with that too. I am greatfull to NA because was through NA I found my treatment center. I wanted to wash clothes but the hitter didn’t work, so I stood there for 1h30m trying to decided if I would call the counselor on duty and let him know. I was ashamed to ask him, and that’s why took me 1h30m.
At the second part of step 1 I started feeling like dieing from inside. That happen when I wrote about my mother. I went to call and I told her that I was sorry, for what I did to her. She told me what matters is the present.