Hard candy!!!!

Hard candy!!!! How amazing life is when we decide to do the right thing!!!! What is the right thing???? How do we know when it is right, or if it is just fear that we justify with reason??? If the right thing is just a way to stop, or not accept what the universe has to offer us?????? If the universe gives us something, but our ego says: if I accept what the universe gives me, I am going to lose my huge TV, my house, my family is going to look at me as a failure, my colleagues — what will they think about me? Why, with all these things, do I keep feeling alone??? Why, with all these things, do I keep feeling that I am again the little child in the middle of the living room, feeling lost and alone, looking at a TV trying to figure out a way to rescue something????? Why don’t I just ask people what I already know??? Why has denial become the right thing in order to justify not facing reality and going through grief????? If I know it, then why do I keep placing myself in childhood — abandoned???? Now about me — why do I keep placing myself with angry people when I know they will treat me badly and make me feel unworthy???? Why am I not with someone who admires me, believes me, and makes me feel worthy????? Now going back to the object — why do I keep placing myself with someone that does not give me value, who only sees my defects, and doesn’t walk with me and chooses to walk separate??? Why am I not with someone that believes in me, that looks at me as an amazing human being?????? The “New Earth” book says that people show up in our life for a reason. Sometimes it is just for one purpose, and then they leave, and then they leave space for the next people. Those next people will bring another meaning and will have another meaning. The universe always puts the right people at the right time. However, our ego does not see it!!!! We make those people hostages by transferring guilt and shame to those people in order for them not to leave us. We never say: look, I know, I can see it, it is time for you to go, and I am going to let you go in order for us to accept the next people that the universe has reserved for us; and we keep walking towards a spiritual life. This would be so beautiful, right? It is not like that! It is more: why are you acting like that??? Are you crazy??? You don’t think about the people who depend on you????? You are selfish!!!! You need therapy!!!!! How do you dare do this to me???? What are you looking for???? Fuck you, do what you want?????? Can you see the guilt and the shame that the other person transfers to the other one? The other, with guilt and shame, answers: I have the right (funny, they define everything with right, wrong, black or white = insane, that doesn’t exist). I have the right, I did a lot for you, now it is my turn! You are selfish! I always filled your needs and now when it is my turn you do not understand me! Therefore, here we have again, the other one transferring guilt and shame. Therefore, what should be spiritual has become a transference of guilt and shame in order to keep them hostage of their ego. They look around and they see what they will lose. They never see what they have to win! They stay with what they have to lose, they stay with black and white. Do not get me wrong, I am the same way. 4 hours after….. funny when I wrote, “don’t get me wrong, I am the same way”, I just turned the computer off, and went for a walk from 10am to 1pm. I think I met all the villages around the one I live in, lol. It is so small, so quiet here, I walked looking at the fields where they have the animals and vegetables growing. It gave me peace walking, and smelling the fresh ground. I even walked through trees… yeah, I never told anyone but I have panic of trees. I think in another life I may have been burned in one of them. Anyway, talking about me…. I define my ego with my ambition. I played fool, pretending that I didn’t see the signs. However, I knew it all along. I could feel it, I could see it. I did not want to assume that, because that would make me lose the position I had. It was not a big position, but it was the one I was fighting for. I had waited 10 years for that, and I could not lose it. I have been thinking a lot, and going back to the past and seeing all this process. I am having doubts. When I look at the past, I can be honest. Did I participate in this? Yes, I did! The time I bought new clothes, and I made myself sexy, and walked in and I would see the blush because I saw the impact I had. The times I walked in and I would sit listening, and in the middle I would look at the lips, and wonder how it would be kissing those lips. The times I would be sitting and listening, but I would keep looking at the desk wondering how it would be having sex on that desk. The times I would be sitting listening and would look at the hands and fingers and wonder how it would feel. Those times were the times that in the middle of listening I would stand up and walk out. I would walk out in the middle of conversation saying “ok, ok” or “I gotta go, maybe someone is looking for me by now”. All the stories telling about the bad dates…. was it an attempt to be rescued??? Was it an attempt to hear something???? Why would I say “can’t find in any of them what I find in my role model”? Damn… everything is making so much sense now. Getting me close, looking for me, the blush, and the attempts not to look at me as a woman. The complicity between us. My promises in front of the computer “enough girl! I won’t walk in there anymore for 2 weeks” but then the emails “are you there? Can I go there?” We couldn’t stay apart. We kept coming back, looking for each other. The end….. man… the end… the other noticed it; the other decided to make my life miserable and make me look bad; the other making pressure against me, and he kept fighting for me, trying to find ways to calm down the other. However, the other felt it, and he knew it, and he kept making me look bad, until the other one couldn’t justify anymore why he was defending me, so then he let me go, and he knew what that would mean. Here they come pretending they were worried about me, and that it would be better for me to go. I was listening and I was thinking, “Brilliant, they found a way to get rid of the problem, and are here manipulating me.” I remember when I was confronted about “you are going but I know what that means” I remember I thought “so, why the fuck are you letting me go? Why does he have all the power over you?” I wanted to scream and say “DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE WHY HE IS DOING ALL OF THIS?” “DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE THAT HE IS JEALOUS?” But then, if I had said it, how would I justify the next question “jealous of what??? Why are you telling me that he is jealous?” “what do you mean by that?” I would be the one in that moment that would say what we already knew all along. The truth finally came out, through an anger attack, through a “fuck it! I am going to say it.” Through a way to compensate his pain by getting my identification — by hearing “I feel the same.” Through revenge “if she can, I can!” The truth came out for what??? Selfish! He is becoming good at abandoning me. He was brilliant the way he let me go. Yesterday he was perfect the way he left me alone with all these feelings “I am glad that we finally said what we WERE feeling.” When I heard that I thought: “wow… you must be feeling so much guilt and anxiety. You must be feeling so much regret that you even forgot that you are talking with someone that has a brilliant mind. You even forgot who I am, and how easy it is for me to read between the lines and beyond what isn’t said.” Huh, he didn’t forget… He had just become a MAN. I am having all these crazy feelings and thoughts with breakups of crying. Contradicting feelings and thoughts. One part of me wants to say “fuck you! How dare you?! Keep living in the black and white. Keep finding things to compensate the love that is missing. Go find a way to do a few hours in the circus, it is the best way to entertain your feelings.” Then comes the other thoughts with a thing called low self-esteem and weakness “don’t give up on me. Come here. You are the one. You are all I want. I can see who you are and I love who you are. I may be the right thing now. Just come, and then you can go, but just let me live and feel you for 1 single day.” I was right there, in front of you, and you fucking stupid, you let me go!!!!!!!!!!! Well, fuck all of this…. I am in grief, I guess. I don’t even know if I want to be in grief!!!!!!!!! I want to get rid of this, but at the same time, I want to keep it. I told my colleagues “I think I am living a beautiful story.” Yeah, me and the movies where the guy comes to get me on a white horse! Too much TV, I guess. Kept telling “the guy you are looking for is out there, believe it!” And that fucking guy was right there in front of me!!!!! And he fucking knew who that guy was, and he let me go!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? Why stupid, for what? Oh, I am tearing apart and angry at the same time. OK, being rational — it is grief! Fuck it. I am angry at these feelings. I broke down, BUT, I will stand up. I will become what he is. I will become more than he is. Maybe one day I will be able to take his hand and say “come with me, don’t worry, stand up, let’s go baby.” The other one who made him let me go, that one will be exactly what he is now, and I will keep going and become more than he would like to be. There, I processed everything I had to process this. He has become “the fallen Angel.” This will be his nickname.