Hard candy!!!!

How life is amazing when we decided to do the right thing!!!!
What is the right thing????
How do we know when is right or is just fear and we justify with the reason???
If the right thing is just a way to stop, or not accept what the universe as to offer us??????
If the universe gives us something but our ego = if I accept what the universe gives me I am going to loose my huge TV, my house, my family are going to look at me as a failure, my colleagues, what they will think about me.
Why with all this things, I keep feeling alone???
Why with all this things I keep, feel that I am again the little child in the middle of the living room, feeling lost and alone, looking at a TV trying to figure out a way to rescue something?????
Why I just don’t ask to people what I already know??? Why denial had become the right thing in order to justify, not face the reality, and go through grieve?????
If I know it, so why I keep placing myself in childhood - abandoned????
Now about me - why I keep placing myself with angry people when I know they will treat me bad, and make feel unworthy????
Why I am not with someone who admires me, believes me, and makes me feel worthy?????
Now going back to the object - why I keep placing myself with someone that does not give me value, where just see my defects, and don’t walk with me and choose to walk separate???
Why I am not with someone that believes me, that looks at me as an amazing human be??????
The new earth book says that people shows up in our life for a reason.
Sometimes is just for one purpose, and then they left and then they leave a place for the next people.
Those next people will give another mean and will have another mean. The universe puts always the right people, at the right time.
However, our ego does not see it!!!! We make those people hostage by transferring guilty and shame to those people in order for them to not leave us.
We never say : look, I know, I can see it, its time for you to go, and I am going to let you in order for us to accept the next people that the universe as to reserve for us; and we keep walking to a spiritual life.
This would be so beautiful, right?
Is not like that!
Is more: why you acting like that??? Are you crazy??? You don’t think about the people who depend on you????? You are selfish!!!! You need therapy!!!!! How you dare doing this to me???? What are you looking for???? Fuck you, do what you want??????
Can you see the guilty and shame that the other person transfer to that one?
The other with guilty and shame answers: I have the right (funny, they define everything with right, wrong, black or white = insane, that doesn’t exist)
I have the right, I did a lot for you now is my turn! You are selfish! I always fill your needs and now when is my turn you do not understand me!
Therefore, here we have again, the other one transferring guilty and shame.
Therefore, what should be spiritual had become a transference of guilty and shame in order to keep them hostage of their ego.
They look around and they see what they will loose. They never see what they have to win!
They stay with what they have to loose, they stay with black and white.
Do not get me wrong, I am the same way.
4 hours after…..funny when I wrote, “don’t get me wrong, I am the same way”, I just turned the computer off, and went walk from 10am to 1 pm. I think I met all the villages around this one I live in, lol
It is so small so quite here, I walked looking to the fields where they have the animals and vegetables growing. Gave me peace walking, and smell the fresh ground. I even walked through threes…yeah, I never told anyone but I have panic of threes. I think in other life I may have been burn in of them.
Anyway, talking about me…. I define my ego with my ambition.
I played fool, pretending that I didn’t see the signs. However, I knew it all along.
I could feel it, I could see it. I did not want to assume that because that would make me loose the position I had. Was not a big position, but was the one I was fighting for. I had waited 10 years for that, and I could not loose it.
I have been thinking a lot, and going back to the past and see all this process.
I am having doubts.
When I look to the past, I can be honest.
Did I participate on this? Yes, I did!
The time I bought new clothes, and I made myself sexy, and walked in and I would see the blush because I saw the impact I had. The times I walked in and I would sit listening, in the middle I would look to the lips, and wondering how would be kissing those lips.
The times I would be sitting and listening, but I would keep looking to the desk wondering how would be having sex on that desk.
The times I would be sit listening and would look to the hands and fingers and wondering how would it feel.
Those times were the times that in the middle of the listening I would stand up and walk out. I would walk out in the middle of conversation saying “ ok, ok” or “ I gotta go, maybe someone is looking for me by now”
All the stories tells about the bad dates…. Was an attempted to be rescue???
Was an attempted to hear something????
Why I would say “can’t find in one of them what I find in my role model”
Dammmm, everything is making so sense now.
Getting me close, looking for me, the blush, and the attempts to not look to me as woman.
The complicity between us.
My promises in front of the computer “ enough girl! I won’t walk in there anymore for 2 weeks” but then the emails “ are you there? Can I go there?”
We couldn’t stay apart. We kept coming back, looking for each other.
The end…..man…the end…… the other notice it; the other decided to make my life miserable and makes me look bad; the other making pressure against me, and he kept fighting for me, trying to find ways to calm down the other.
However, the other felt it, and he knew it, and he kept making me look bad, until the other one couldn’t justify anymore why was defending me, so then he let me go, and he knew what that would mean. Here they come pretending they were worry about me, and it would be better for me to go.
I was listening and I was thinking, “Brilliant, they found a way to get ride of the problem, and is here manipulating me”
I remember when I was confronted about “you are going but I know what that means” I remember I thought “so, why the fuck you are letting me go? Why he has all the power over you.” I wanna to scream and say “ DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE WHY HE IS DOING ALL OF THIS?” “ DON’T U FUCKING SEE THAT HE IS JELOUSES?”
But then, if I would had say it, how I would justify the nest question “jalousies of what??? Why are you telling me that he is jalousies?” “what do you mean by that?”
I would be the one in that moment that would say what we already knew all along.
The true finally came out, through an anger attack, through a “fuck it! I am going to say it. Through a way to compensate his pain by getting my identification - by hearing “ I feel the same”
Through revenge “ if she can, I can!”
The true came out for what???
Selfish!
He is becoming good abandoning me.
He was brilliant the way he let me go
Yesterday he was perfect the way he placed me alone with all these feelings “ I am glad that we finally said what we WERE feeling.
When I heard that I thought: “ wow…. You must be feeling too much guilty and anxiety. You must be feeling so regret that you even forgot that you are talking with someone that has a brilliant mind. You even forgot who I am, and how easy is for me to read between the lines and beyond of isn’t said”
Huh, he didn’t forget……. He had just become MAN.
I am having all this crazy feelings and thoughts with break ups of crying.
Contradiction feelings and thoughts.
One part of me wants to say “ fuck you! How you dare?! Keep living in the black and white. Keep find things to compensate the love that is missing. Go find a way to do a few hours in the circus, is the best way to entertain your feelings”
Then comes the other thoughts wish a call low self-esteem and weakness “don’t give up on me. Come here. You are the one. You are all I want. I can see who you are and I love who you are. I may be the right thing now.
Just come, and then you can go, but just let me live and feel you for 1 single day.”
I was right there, in front of you, and you fucking stupid, you let me go!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, fuck all of this….I am in grieve, I guess
I even don’t know if I want to in grieve!!!!!!!!!
I want to get ride of this, but at same time, I want to keep it.
I told my colleagues “ I think I am living a beautiful story”
Yeah, me and the movies where the guy comes to get me in a white horse!
Too much TV, I guess
Kept telling “ the guy you looking for is out there, believe it!”
And that fucking guy was right there in front of me!!!!! In addition, he fucking knew who that guy was, and he let me go!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? Why stupid, for what?
Oh, I am tearing apart and angry at same time.
OK, being rational - is grieve!
Fuck it
I am angry at these feelings
I broke down, BUT, I will stand up. I will become what he is. I will become more than he is. Maybe one day I will be able to take in his hand and say “ come with me, don’t worry, stand up, let’s go baby”
The other one who made him let me go, that one would be exactly what he is now, and I will keep going and become more that he would like to be.
there, I process everything I had 2 process this
He had become " the fallen Angel"
This will be is nickname

Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I saw the signs,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you let me go and tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke your promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?


This world may have failed you,
It doesn’t give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you let me go and tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke your promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.