Angry man

Mennnn, working with men is a little more complicate than women, or is just me in adaptation process.
Anyway, I got this client that was coming from a relapse.
He was clean through NA for 8 years, so as all NA clients he shows up proclaiming NA and the 12 steps.
I believe that happens with everyone who comes from NA after a relapse. Happen with me also when I was in treatment. Before I was going to NA and I was clean for 22 months, so when I arrive treatment I already knew what was to work in me, and I knew everything, and no one could tell me shit.
The first thing he told was “ you need to call my mother to manipulate her, in order for here to stop screaming with me”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing “ call to manipulate”
He was very honest in what he ask! Lol
My answer was “ no, I am not doing that without know you”
He reacted very bad to that.
He has a huge anger problem with his mother and brother.
He says that his brother is manipulating his mother, and he told his mother that she had it choose between the brothers.
Our conversations were going bad all the time. I didn’t argue with him, but I would leave.
I kept telling him “ stop talking when I am talking with you; you are trying to control me”
He is very aggressive, and arrogant, and that made me not get close to that client.
Last week I asked him to leave the group due an anger attack he had with me.
I kept thinking about him, day after day.
Funny that I always have the angry crazy clients. I think I like to break their mind in peaces, lol
I decided last Friday to talk to him
I had the need to understand that client, and I think I got it now.
Because I cannot have a normal conversation with him due he is always trying to control the conversation and therefore communication is impossible, I decided to write him questions.
I would give to me and asked him to answer me right there by paper.
The way he writes is so angry that I have to read it twice to understand the answer to my question.
Today I came home to lunch, thinking about him, and THEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Then comes the light!!!! Oh God! I love this job!
Lol
Is brother kept coming to my head, and normally when something or someone comes up in my head is because is there a point!
I asked him by paper:
- who is the oldest one?
- who started to use drugs first?
- how you father die?
- during your use of drugs you suffer more? Your father or mother?
- did your mother or father had emotional or physical problems during your use?
- your wife married with you before or after you had your companies?
The answers gave me a clue, but the conversation gave me the true of the problem.
So, what is really happening…………………….
So we have here 2 brothers
My client is the youngest
The oldest is the chosen child. Is the favorite by their parents.
The quite one, the obedient one.
My client is the rebel, but in the middle of the friends and girls he is the chosen one - the popular.
so what happened to them?
My client felt rejected by his brother, due the jalousies the other one felt.
The other wanted to be like is youngest brother - popular
My client wanted to be accepted by his brother and parents.
My client decided to make everything to please the brother in order to get approval.
But the brother is a taker. Is the one who lives trying to be like his brother and believes that has to be just one in the family and that as to be him!
When my client relapsed the brother bought his boat pretending that he was other person.
My client just found out that was his brother when he shows up with his boat has owner.
So, here is a fight of power.
My client in the past paid to his brother an addiction treatment.
The price was his pay check leaving my client without money to drink a coffee.
Why working for his brother treatment?
The need to be accepted by him. The need to hear “ you are a wonderful brother” ‘ we are going to be best friends”
The brother used his father dead, to manipulate the mother against the other brother. How? Simple.
The father died 16 months ago. The mother finds herself alone, with a dead husband and a drug addict son who relapsed.
The other brother comes and says “ or it is me or him’
Who do you think the mother is going to choose in order to not be alone?
The other brother.
I knew it was something wrong!
I know family gets upset with addicts when they are using, but the anger of the normal wasn’t a normal anger. Was too much for someone who was clean 8 years and had a relapse.
Is the kind of anger that is so defensive in order to not feel vulnerable and was in their last phone call I got suspicious.
He told me that he was on the phone with his mother and after all the anger and all the insults she turn and said ‘ I gotta go. I am taking the bus”
That made me suspicious, realizing that she was running from her feelings.
So, now the therapy to my client is all about accept that he may don’t have the brother of his dreams, and he needs to accept that in order to move on.
isn’t gong to be easy! Lol
Well, but I am already in his mind, for now one is just have calm and let the recovery process to start.