you only see what your eyes want to see....

Letting go may be one of the hardest things that we do in life.
Give to the care of God, and give it to the universe, when deep inside i want to control, i want to know, i want answers, i want to keep feeling it.
The sad part, and this is what i call co-dependency, is when i even want to feel the bad part, and feel the rejection.
When i am willing to feel rejection, because i want to keep feel the uncertainly of :
“ maybe; if; we could; i can; sometimes; possible; impossible; be or not to be”
is really that what i want?
Is really that what i need?
Is really that what i want to feel?
I don't know what to do! I just don't know! Today someone told me " seams like is the first time that you don't know what to do...
You look sad and vulnerable.
Is that hard for you to let go, and not try to control?
Seams like this is the real you, not selfish, but kind
I just can't walk into people life and try to make them feel what I would like them to feel.
How would be waking up by side of someone, looking at that someone and thinking that person is there because I manipulate everything?
What that would bring?
Would I be happy?
NO!
I would be insecure and live in uncertainly not knowing if that person was with me because likes me or because was manipulated by me.
That would destroy everything because my insecurity would make me have the need of more approval and more manipulation.
This time, for some reason, I just can't do like that.
I'm just tired of the color of my eyes, my beauties, my body, my intelligence to be a way to have power over people.
I'm tired of the power.
I choose today to be accepted, and chosen, by who I real am.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, I am!
Do i like it ? Huhhhhh.......it´s hard, but it´s OK.
I feel naked of masks, hoping the universe will take care of this. Giving into the care of God.
Fears vs reservations - yes, I have it!
Fear of being miss understood
Fear of people think that I don't care
Fear of people end up forgetting that I exist
Fear to loose what I even never had
Fear of not be want and need anymore
Thinking about others instead of what i want sounds better today.
The others have the right to try new food, to try new places, to try new hobbies, to try new jobs, to try new women, to try to have sex with other women, to try live life without schedules, or compromises
they just have the right to leave their life like they want too
the people have the right to live, to grieve, without having someone to entertainment or unstable their feelings
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, and I told him:
“ look, this is what i believe – i know men are rational, but even like that, I believe when they finally see what they want, they will go after, and take what they want. I believe they have the courage to do that. Me? I just need to go through this with dignity, and be quite, and see what happen”
My friend reply: but Ivone, you talk like that because your culture is based on kingdom, where prince gets the princess, but does the rest of the world can see, and feel like you do?
No, they can´t! Not that world.

By the way,
Do you guys know how to get ride of flies???
You kill 1, and the others flies will go to the funeral :)
Do you know when you love, and respect someone???
It`s when you let them fly, and give them the freedom to make their own decisions, even they may end up forgetting your existence :(
by the way guys, September already ended.......
.......... and I have to go with the wind.

Step 1 group

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

We admitted – we know now – we become aware

addiction – add + + + + + one doesnt work, thousands arent enough


most of the people in recovery use this step for everything. They dont pay a close attention to see that powerless here means be powerless over addiction and not everything.
Addiction means that you keep adding more and more regardless of the consequences of what you are doing.
Normally we use this to drugs and alchool, but you can apply or add food, sex, game, etc....
you already notice that when you start doing that you like you become obsessed, and you dont stop?
How many times your body hurts but you keep going on that.
See, things in life should be done with pleasure, but addicts or alchoolics need to add the phisical or emotional pain.
Like going to the gym..... gym should be something to relax, and enjoy, but you dont do that. You keep pushing yourself, and you just feel pleasure in what you are doing when you feel the phisical pain. You even say “ wow, today I really pushed myself” “ wow, I even felt pain in my body because I was pushing so much”
see, normal people if they feel this they will stop. You keep going to seek the pain, the exaustion.
Moving on....
when we become aware of what we are doing wrong, we are admitting. We are creating a conscience basead on gaining a moral.
Once we become conscious, we had gain a new moral. Moral will come with guilty and shame.
You no longer can do the same and fell the same. You have now a conscience. You are aware now!
Its over! Surrender now!
So when is over what that means for the world?
Over means the end of something.
The grive process had begun
do the clients accept this grieve right way?
No.
isnt necessary be a client!
Everyone is like that. No one accepts grieve as something good.
But clients will began the enterteiment.
Their enterteiment is: sex games
split staff
manipualtion
sleep
food
lunacy
etc
they keep trying to show and believe that they have power over someone or something.
This is what I call negotion, racionalization.
Maybe we as a counselors should recognation this signs.
Maybe we counselors should ask to primary counselors “ what your client is been working on”
this signs are signs of grieving - the step 1 – The old (I)
the unknow of the new (ME)

Rejection group 2

REJECTION (Second group)

how about inviting other to reject you????!!!!!
amazing huh...... they don't like feel rejection but then the will be the ones inviting other to reject them.
How they do it????
fighting / arguing with everyone
clothes – lets keep in mind the punk, Gothic, heavy metal style
tattoos
talking to laud
intimidation
being dishonest
isolation
complaining
using drugs and alchol
very need
OK and more could be written.......

BUT WHY??? why they would do something like that if they don't like to feel it?
Again, to feel the abandonment
they keep placing themselves apart of people/world
so lets see how:
if they are always arguing, fighting,intimidation, being dishonest; that will create fear in people around them, and that people will not get close
like talking to laud that will embarrass people, and they will not be choose to go out
complaining and very need that will get people tired
clothes and tattoos, that will make people suspicious
using of drugs and alcohol, will make people fear and get ride of them
so at the end they are again abandoned themselves, their Inner child...BUT, attention on these one, because they active.
Active??????
yep, i am been defining active and passive
the first group we are talking about people who are passive
this group here are active............ they will justify relapse with this. Most of the time this are their plan B-----
----- nothing works
----- no one understands me
----- I hate the system
----- I hate everyone
----- Fuck this people------------- I am alone --------- I am going to use!

Lol, funny, one of my clients just walk in asking me to start to record the groups I do on board in order for him to get it when he will need to listen again.....lol...I liked to hear this!

Rejection group 1

in the other day I was doing a group about rejection. This would be my first group in my country with male population.
Funny the last time i did a group about rejection was in USA and just took me 1h.
This one took me 2 groups, lol
i believe that time and experience made me have more subject on this matter, and i was able to do 2 days about rejection.
So, now i divide rejection in two parts.
The first part is what they feel when they are rejected, and i base myself on
Rational emotive behavior therapy
what I think – what I believe - how I react

This is what they learn..... I go more far and teach them tools to deal with it


The examples i give is about “ today” how clients feel rejection in their daily bases.
What brings them the feeling of rejection.
Most of them say is when they hear the word NO. I ask them why that NO was so powerful.
They didn't know what to answer.
So i ask them to tell me what they think after they hear the word NO. usually is the thoughts of anger.
They start with “ why I
“ If I
“you should give me
“ you are not being fair with me

well, if you see, you can notice the (I, ME) a lot = EGO
I ask them, why they keep asking what they already know they are not going to get it?
Why they keep trying to manipulate to get what they want?
Why they keep wanting so much from life?
You already saw what a client normal do after hear a NO?
Did you already saw what is their second reaction????
they go to their bedrooms, or they will sit alone.
So now lets go see where, and when was the times they felt rejection......where that comes from.....
where they have learned?????
in their childhood!!!!!!!!!
the lost child, the abandoned child
the clients keep the work that their parents had start by find ways that will place them abandoned again!
That is why everything for them is a big thing!!!!!!!!!!
they maximize problems a lot!!!!!
they want to keep feeling this....follow me:

powerless = why they want to feel this, they even hate being powerless
because that will bring them the feeling of unworthy- shame – guilty – not capable
how many clients choose to ask what they know they cant have in order to be rejected to justify “ she doesn't like me” - “ she likes more that other client” - I need to do better in order for her to like me” - the others can, but I don't. Its always the same with me”
they are never satisfied and they feel empty all the time.
They had suffer of abandoned, and they had learn how to feel it, so therefor they try to find way to keep feeling what had become comfortable for them.
Is like when they relapse. Relapse is a way to abandoned the (I) the inner child. Is to left their inner child alone in the middle of the living room”

Hard candy!!!!

Hard candy!!!! How amazing life is when we decide to do the right thing!!!! What is the right thing???? How do we know when it is right, or if it is just fear that we justify with reason??? If the right thing is just a way to stop, or not accept what the universe has to offer us?????? If the universe gives us something, but our ego says: if I accept what the universe gives me, I am going to lose my huge TV, my house, my family is going to look at me as a failure, my colleagues — what will they think about me? Why, with all these things, do I keep feeling alone??? Why, with all these things, do I keep feeling that I am again the little child in the middle of the living room, feeling lost and alone, looking at a TV trying to figure out a way to rescue something????? Why don’t I just ask people what I already know??? Why has denial become the right thing in order to justify not facing reality and going through grief????? If I know it, then why do I keep placing myself in childhood — abandoned???? Now about me — why do I keep placing myself with angry people when I know they will treat me badly and make me feel unworthy???? Why am I not with someone who admires me, believes me, and makes me feel worthy????? Now going back to the object — why do I keep placing myself with someone that does not give me value, who only sees my defects, and doesn’t walk with me and chooses to walk separate??? Why am I not with someone that believes in me, that looks at me as an amazing human being?????? The “New Earth” book says that people show up in our life for a reason. Sometimes it is just for one purpose, and then they leave, and then they leave space for the next people. Those next people will bring another meaning and will have another meaning. The universe always puts the right people at the right time. However, our ego does not see it!!!! We make those people hostages by transferring guilt and shame to those people in order for them not to leave us. We never say: look, I know, I can see it, it is time for you to go, and I am going to let you go in order for us to accept the next people that the universe has reserved for us; and we keep walking towards a spiritual life. This would be so beautiful, right? It is not like that! It is more: why are you acting like that??? Are you crazy??? You don’t think about the people who depend on you????? You are selfish!!!! You need therapy!!!!! How do you dare do this to me???? What are you looking for???? Fuck you, do what you want?????? Can you see the guilt and the shame that the other person transfers to the other one? The other, with guilt and shame, answers: I have the right (funny, they define everything with right, wrong, black or white = insane, that doesn’t exist). I have the right, I did a lot for you, now it is my turn! You are selfish! I always filled your needs and now when it is my turn you do not understand me! Therefore, here we have again, the other one transferring guilt and shame. Therefore, what should be spiritual has become a transference of guilt and shame in order to keep them hostage of their ego. They look around and they see what they will lose. They never see what they have to win! They stay with what they have to lose, they stay with black and white. Do not get me wrong, I am the same way. 4 hours after….. funny when I wrote, “don’t get me wrong, I am the same way”, I just turned the computer off, and went for a walk from 10am to 1pm. I think I met all the villages around the one I live in, lol. It is so small, so quiet here, I walked looking at the fields where they have the animals and vegetables growing. It gave me peace walking, and smelling the fresh ground. I even walked through trees… yeah, I never told anyone but I have panic of trees. I think in another life I may have been burned in one of them. Anyway, talking about me…. I define my ego with my ambition. I played fool, pretending that I didn’t see the signs. However, I knew it all along. I could feel it, I could see it. I did not want to assume that, because that would make me lose the position I had. It was not a big position, but it was the one I was fighting for. I had waited 10 years for that, and I could not lose it. I have been thinking a lot, and going back to the past and seeing all this process. I am having doubts. When I look at the past, I can be honest. Did I participate in this? Yes, I did! The time I bought new clothes, and I made myself sexy, and walked in and I would see the blush because I saw the impact I had. The times I walked in and I would sit listening, and in the middle I would look at the lips, and wonder how it would be kissing those lips. The times I would be sitting and listening, but I would keep looking at the desk wondering how it would be having sex on that desk. The times I would be sitting listening and would look at the hands and fingers and wonder how it would feel. Those times were the times that in the middle of listening I would stand up and walk out. I would walk out in the middle of conversation saying “ok, ok” or “I gotta go, maybe someone is looking for me by now”. All the stories telling about the bad dates…. was it an attempt to be rescued??? Was it an attempt to hear something???? Why would I say “can’t find in any of them what I find in my role model”? Damn… everything is making so much sense now. Getting me close, looking for me, the blush, and the attempts not to look at me as a woman. The complicity between us. My promises in front of the computer “enough girl! I won’t walk in there anymore for 2 weeks” but then the emails “are you there? Can I go there?” We couldn’t stay apart. We kept coming back, looking for each other. The end….. man… the end… the other noticed it; the other decided to make my life miserable and make me look bad; the other making pressure against me, and he kept fighting for me, trying to find ways to calm down the other. However, the other felt it, and he knew it, and he kept making me look bad, until the other one couldn’t justify anymore why he was defending me, so then he let me go, and he knew what that would mean. Here they come pretending they were worried about me, and that it would be better for me to go. I was listening and I was thinking, “Brilliant, they found a way to get rid of the problem, and are here manipulating me.” I remember when I was confronted about “you are going but I know what that means” I remember I thought “so, why the fuck are you letting me go? Why does he have all the power over you?” I wanted to scream and say “DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE WHY HE IS DOING ALL OF THIS?” “DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE THAT HE IS JEALOUS?” But then, if I had said it, how would I justify the next question “jealous of what??? Why are you telling me that he is jealous?” “what do you mean by that?” I would be the one in that moment that would say what we already knew all along. The truth finally came out, through an anger attack, through a “fuck it! I am going to say it.” Through a way to compensate his pain by getting my identification — by hearing “I feel the same.” Through revenge “if she can, I can!” The truth came out for what??? Selfish! He is becoming good at abandoning me. He was brilliant the way he let me go. Yesterday he was perfect the way he left me alone with all these feelings “I am glad that we finally said what we WERE feeling.” When I heard that I thought: “wow… you must be feeling so much guilt and anxiety. You must be feeling so much regret that you even forgot that you are talking with someone that has a brilliant mind. You even forgot who I am, and how easy it is for me to read between the lines and beyond what isn’t said.” Huh, he didn’t forget… He had just become a MAN. I am having all these crazy feelings and thoughts with breakups of crying. Contradicting feelings and thoughts. One part of me wants to say “fuck you! How dare you?! Keep living in the black and white. Keep finding things to compensate the love that is missing. Go find a way to do a few hours in the circus, it is the best way to entertain your feelings.” Then comes the other thoughts with a thing called low self-esteem and weakness “don’t give up on me. Come here. You are the one. You are all I want. I can see who you are and I love who you are. I may be the right thing now. Just come, and then you can go, but just let me live and feel you for 1 single day.” I was right there, in front of you, and you fucking stupid, you let me go!!!!!!!!!!! Well, fuck all of this…. I am in grief, I guess. I don’t even know if I want to be in grief!!!!!!!!! I want to get rid of this, but at the same time, I want to keep it. I told my colleagues “I think I am living a beautiful story.” Yeah, me and the movies where the guy comes to get me on a white horse! Too much TV, I guess. Kept telling “the guy you are looking for is out there, believe it!” And that fucking guy was right there in front of me!!!!! And he fucking knew who that guy was, and he let me go!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? Why stupid, for what? Oh, I am tearing apart and angry at the same time. OK, being rational — it is grief! Fuck it. I am angry at these feelings. I broke down, BUT, I will stand up. I will become what he is. I will become more than he is. Maybe one day I will be able to take his hand and say “come with me, don’t worry, stand up, let’s go baby.” The other one who made him let me go, that one will be exactly what he is now, and I will keep going and become more than he would like to be. There, I processed everything I had to process this. He has become “the fallen Angel.” This will be his nickname.

Angry man

Mennnn, working with men is a little more complicate than women, or is just me in adaptation process.
Anyway, I got this client that was coming from a relapse.
He was clean through NA for 8 years, so as all NA clients he shows up proclaiming NA and the 12 steps.
I believe that happens with everyone who comes from NA after a relapse. Happen with me also when I was in treatment. Before I was going to NA and I was clean for 22 months, so when I arrive treatment I already knew what was to work in me, and I knew everything, and no one could tell me shit.
The first thing he told was “ you need to call my mother to manipulate her, in order for here to stop screaming with me”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing “ call to manipulate”
He was very honest in what he ask! Lol
My answer was “ no, I am not doing that without know you”
He reacted very bad to that.
He has a huge anger problem with his mother and brother.
He says that his brother is manipulating his mother, and he told his mother that she had it choose between the brothers.
Our conversations were going bad all the time. I didn’t argue with him, but I would leave.
I kept telling him “ stop talking when I am talking with you; you are trying to control me”
He is very aggressive, and arrogant, and that made me not get close to that client.
Last week I asked him to leave the group due an anger attack he had with me.
I kept thinking about him, day after day.
Funny that I always have the angry crazy clients. I think I like to break their mind in peaces, lol
I decided last Friday to talk to him
I had the need to understand that client, and I think I got it now.
Because I cannot have a normal conversation with him due he is always trying to control the conversation and therefore communication is impossible, I decided to write him questions.
I would give to me and asked him to answer me right there by paper.
The way he writes is so angry that I have to read it twice to understand the answer to my question.
Today I came home to lunch, thinking about him, and THEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Then comes the light!!!! Oh God! I love this job!
Lol
Is brother kept coming to my head, and normally when something or someone comes up in my head is because is there a point!
I asked him by paper:
- who is the oldest one?
- who started to use drugs first?
- how you father die?
- during your use of drugs you suffer more? Your father or mother?
- did your mother or father had emotional or physical problems during your use?
- your wife married with you before or after you had your companies?
The answers gave me a clue, but the conversation gave me the true of the problem.
So, what is really happening…………………….
So we have here 2 brothers
My client is the youngest
The oldest is the chosen child. Is the favorite by their parents.
The quite one, the obedient one.
My client is the rebel, but in the middle of the friends and girls he is the chosen one - the popular.
so what happened to them?
My client felt rejected by his brother, due the jalousies the other one felt.
The other wanted to be like is youngest brother - popular
My client wanted to be accepted by his brother and parents.
My client decided to make everything to please the brother in order to get approval.
But the brother is a taker. Is the one who lives trying to be like his brother and believes that has to be just one in the family and that as to be him!
When my client relapsed the brother bought his boat pretending that he was other person.
My client just found out that was his brother when he shows up with his boat has owner.
So, here is a fight of power.
My client in the past paid to his brother an addiction treatment.
The price was his pay check leaving my client without money to drink a coffee.
Why working for his brother treatment?
The need to be accepted by him. The need to hear “ you are a wonderful brother” ‘ we are going to be best friends”
The brother used his father dead, to manipulate the mother against the other brother. How? Simple.
The father died 16 months ago. The mother finds herself alone, with a dead husband and a drug addict son who relapsed.
The other brother comes and says “ or it is me or him’
Who do you think the mother is going to choose in order to not be alone?
The other brother.
I knew it was something wrong!
I know family gets upset with addicts when they are using, but the anger of the normal wasn’t a normal anger. Was too much for someone who was clean 8 years and had a relapse.
Is the kind of anger that is so defensive in order to not feel vulnerable and was in their last phone call I got suspicious.
He told me that he was on the phone with his mother and after all the anger and all the insults she turn and said ‘ I gotta go. I am taking the bus”
That made me suspicious, realizing that she was running from her feelings.
So, now the therapy to my client is all about accept that he may don’t have the brother of his dreams, and he needs to accept that in order to move on.
isn’t gong to be easy! Lol
Well, but I am already in his mind, for now one is just have calm and let the recovery process to start.

they will keep comming back

How rejection affects recovery and why

OK, so we have a client that relapsed “again”.

Relapse isn't a sign of weakness, or a failure, or even because people are not in recovery.

Relapse happens, is a fact!

How much longer we are going to expel people whom relapse?

How much longer that we counselors are going to reject those folks?

Isn't our job to understand why they relapse?

Isn't our job to search, and investigate the reason that clients sabotage their recovery?

How much longer we are going to let them keep coming back with the same problem?

Isn't our job, to explain and do relapse prevention?

So let me go back to the client and you may understand what i am talking about.

This client was abandoned and adopted by other family. That means this client grew up with the feeling that he doesn't belong ; the need of family ; the feeling of inadequate ; the feeling of rejection.

So what do you think this client will become?

Just a drug addict?

Just an alcoholic?

Just a criminal?

Just someone who isn't ready for recovery?

Just someone who doest want to be in recovery?

Just someone who still wants to use?

NO!

he is just someone like others that doesn't understand why he wants recovery, but at the end relapses.

Lets see what means institutionalized

means there is someone who is trying to make of the treatment centers their home.

Is making of their peers their brothers and sisters.

Is making of staff their parents.

The world outside seams to big to the addict.

He will have to experience feelings of inadequacy; feelings of want a family and not have one.

See, we are talking about clients that don't have the wisdom to figure this out for themselves.

Probably this addicts will never leave treatment centers. Is their family1

so now you ask me: “ but explain why they relapse if they know they will expel from this treatment center?????!!!!”

OK, they will from THIS ONE, But, unconscious they know they will end up in another one soon.

They keep the game....belong and be rejected

the counselors keep up with their game – accept them until they do good and then reject them

see, when the counselors are thinking they are doing good when expel someone that relapses, they are just playing the game – the vicious cycle.

Is there impossible to talk with that client and try to figure out why this keep happening?




If you have a client that was abandoned emotional of physical by their parents ( may be 99% of them), pay attention!

See if that client isnt making you their mother or father.

How to help them?

Easy, talk with them. Dont expell them.

Try to understand with them the reason of that relapse, and what was a motivation.

You are going to be amazing when you find out that the motivation was just one – keep comming back to treatment.

See, treatment had become the bally of their mothers. A place that they feel confortable.

You need to this but at same time you need to reject the client while in treatment.

Huh????????? you ask, lol

huh????? is she crazy?????

No, I am not!

I said “ dont expell them”

But, reject them slowly....ignore them for a few days. Let them feel rejection in order to gain skills and defense mechanisms to deal with that.

Cut the cordao umbilical, but dont stop to watch them close.

Make them self suficient, and teach them that is possible to survive to rejction.~teach them that treatment isnt to stay or keep comming back.

Make them understand that you are not their parents and no one will be.

They cannot substitute, or compensate.

They were abandoned, THAT IS A FACT; cant change the past, but they can understand what happened to them, how that affects them today, and how they can deal with that in the future.

Done :)