I have been having the craziest days off ever!
So I am been thinking to come here and just let the world know how my dating bullshit is going on.
So at the beginning I really thought I was going to meet the one!
I thought would be quick, but wasn’t!
I started this dating with an open heart and now its close!
I believe I went back to my old me.
Anyway, so I met this beautiful Engeneer Indian guy who I liked. After 2 weeks I was breaking up with him.
I met another one who had become my friend and sometimes I call him, like once in a month to hang out with him.
The first time I was with him, I thought that probably we would become more than friends, but soon I realized that wasn’t possible, and since then I just call him when I want to go to his house.
Last time he had decided to give me therapy….and I came out of this house without even knows my name.
So, he decided to say the difference between me and Sharon stone and the movie basic instinct were NONE.
So I asked him if he was calling me sociopath. He said no, but, he said my only goal wasn’t to get a relationship but play sexual minded, and once I am in a mind of a man is game over for them.
They guy really believes that, because one day he asked if I was going to kill him, LOL
Oh my…..I have been hearing and experience the craziest shit in my life….
Moving on.
He had decided with the therapy to not let me stand up from the bed.
He said” wait, stay, and feel me”
What the fuck? I don’t want to feel u…I don’t want to feel shit!
He said I am a vampire, isn’t going to be a man that can control you ever.
lol, lol, really???? What’s new?
He says that I refuse to connect with someone. When I ask him why he said that he answer “because you just like to have sex in my balcony, when you know that I will be freaking out afraid to be seen by my neighbors.. You like to see fear in my eyes, and that isn’t normal. You have sex like a man does. You act like a man, you should be more feminine”
Ah! Who said I was normal?
My point is…..if I see he isn’t emotionally available why I should stay in bed with him????
To be living in illusion.
We argued, and I told him he was afraid of me, and to quite to try to make me fall for him, and then I was mean by telling him, I wouldn’t fall because I am already in his mind and that means game over for him. I will have him when I want 2.
I know, I shouldn’t have said that! But at this point I am already frustrated, and this is the signs that I believe I am going back to the old me.
I don’t want to be with him. He doesn’t want to be with me, but the true is we keep coming back to each other, and once we are together is passion!
See, is something going on between me and this guy I don’t understand. What I know is for some reason I decide to hurt me.
Before we was together we was texting each other back and forward, and I asked him how long he didn’t have sex.
He answer me “1 month ago”
Dam..was like a knife in my heart!
He asked me the same, but I didn't answer - I had a plan! I was going to hurt him back - but more that I got
Acting normal would be letting go, but I wanted him to feel what I felt so I told him to come and pick me up at that moment.
So I went through with my plan…..while we were having sex I asked him “so, do you still want to know when was the last time I had sex?”
He said “ yes”
My answer was “ yesterday!”
He went ice and he looked at me with a very open eyes “ are you serious? Are you telling me you had sex yesterday with another man?”
“yep”
And I started to laugh - really laughing
And then I asked “ what did you feel when I said that?”
Look it here….I know this is insane. I know this is sick, but something happen to me and I know I am acting crazy.
This is not the first time happens to me. The first time I was coming out of a bad relationship and I had loose a child and I decided to go to North of Portugal and I did the same. I was in my 6th year in recovery. Until today the NA people from the north of Portugal still don’t talk to me, so we can see for this how messy I was.
Now is true or not what I told him about having sex the night before?
Yes, was true!
I met this beautiful guy with piercing and he was really nice.
But for me he was a bad boy I was going to seduce just for fun.
For some reason I am hunting ego and power.
I left quick as I came in, and next day by IM on yahoo I told him to go fuck himself.
He said I was crazy…..who wouldn’t?
Next day I think why in the hell I told him to go fuck himself??? Why??? why????
I had this doctor/ scientist cancer research that wants to have a relationship with me.
I never had nothing with him, but here is a normal guy, usefully who wants to be my boyfriend and I said NO.
Go figure!
So now I went out with this guy - normal one- who is an account something, which is buying a house, and has a BMW Z4
Didn’t like him much because he is short like me, but we talk. He asked me a bunch of questions.
After 2 days I went out with him again and without asking he just kissed me.
I asked him “where that came from? That was weird!
He just laughs and said he didn’t know.
For some reason I was relaxed at the second date and I kept acting like a clown and he kept laughing. He told me that I am unique!
Really? What new?
I am ready to tell him I don’t want to see him ever again.
Why? I don’t know!
In other day I got an email from the crazy guy I lived with in Fort Worth asking me to come back to him.
?????????????/ What?????????????
After all this time he asks me to come back to him???? hello!
He decided to knock on my door without authorization.
When I open the door and I see was him, I couldn’t believe!!!!
“what are you doing here?”
He said I love you I want you back
My answer was” oh, I have bad news for you. The girl you met is gone…now this one is the old me. Doesn’t feel shit, doesn’t even care!
In his way home he got a flat tire and he called me to come and help him between Irving and Fort Worth.
My answer was” what? Call someone else. I don’t care if you are in the middle of the road”
He text me saying “ who are you? You really changed!”
Yep!
I did!
So, what is the point of my story.
I think I need help! Not sure yet!
Let’s see
So, my sex addiction is active
I am angry
I am destructive and suicidal
Ok then, I need help
Now, why? Why I am all of this? What happened? I need to know!
Why I went back to my old behavior?
Why I don’t care anymore?
Here is a video that shows me at this time
If I was too graphic I am sorry folks ….I just know one way to write - is telling everything!
I decide to not see my friend again
I decide to stay home this weekend
I am getting tired
soon I will stop all of this
I am so home sick
I need to go there, and be with my friends - I need a restart!
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