topics

I am going to write about all of the topics because for me they are connected. I spent a big part of my life mad, and I also I found out in recovery when the things aren't like I want I also get mad. Normally when that happens it’s because how I am feeling inadequate, and of course I feel no power over things, people and places. My first reaction to this is temptation to control (fight), and finally when I get tired I surrender. It isn't often today because I feel more mature and more aware when it is time to use my sponsor, but it still happens sometimes, maybe one day I will have balance, lol Surrender for me is a way to be in peace, and when I surrender all my mind , body and spirit relax, I even can breath better:) When I use my sponsor I always obtain what all my life I was looking for.... fix its funny , in my active addiction I looked for the next fix in an unhealthy way and now when I have the opportunity to get that healthy fix from my sponsor that always take me more time, like sometimes it takes me a day to realize "maybe I should ask for help"! When I call my sponsor she helps me fix my mind and my beliefs and that helps me to put myself together and think clear. My sponsor told me to look in a dictionary for the words of a step I am doing now, my first reaction was: why, why and why, I am not in school, this is ridiculous! See I got mad and had a little fight in my mind with my whys, but at the end my answer was " there must be a reason and it don't hurt me and I can learn something with this" - I surrender it takes too much energy when I don't surrender. Not surrendering keeps me from enjoying life or even seeing life and beautiful things around me. Sponsorship for me is a way to give and receive energy and light. Working with my sponsees is very therapeutic for me because they put me in touch with my feelings. I do not scream, or try to control my sponsees and I refuse be the type of person who just gives feed back. What I believe is I have to take time to know who they are to make sure what I will tell them or even what I tell the to do isn't going to harm them more than they already are. I believe recovery is a process of learning and understanding and I let my sponsees to have their process of learning and understanding. With learning and understanding people will change a little bit everyday day. I just can't put in her head you are an addict so I will treat you as an addict. I know they are an addict but what I also know is they are a human being! This is also what I expect from my sponsor and so far is been working well. Sponsorship is also a way to do service work. In beginning of my recovery I did service because that was the suggestion, after I did because my friends were in that group, one day I found myself doing service because I care and I want to give back. This was also a process for me, a process to feel gratitude. I remember one day I went to share (Portugal) at a hospital where the HIV patients were and I was all obsessed about my share what I would say, you know ego stuff and my ego blew up when I saw someone there in terminal phase WANTING recovery, that made me think how little I was and futile. I went home feeling gratitude that God had given me a second chance on life. I feel gratitude because today I am not blind anymore, I can see, I can make decisions because NA gave me the tools I was looking for all my life. The tools I didn’t have when I was a child and teenager, I was living in circles, confused ones, I even didn't know I had feelings or even I could give names to the feelings. I didn't know how to speak because I was told to shut up, and NA gave me my voice and most of important gave me myself back. NA gave the opportunity to learn how to accept myself and was ok to be myself because I can be genuine today. When I forget to be grateful I become the mad Ivone who decides to sabotage everything around me because I believe the world is against me, so when I forget I go back to the self pity hole. I try not to forget today because NA gave me a tool which is to do a gratitude list. My first things in gratitude list is: today I can shower, and walk without pain in my body, so simple All those tools NA gives me allow me to change to be a better person to myself and others. Keeping myself free of drugs allows me to change during my recovery process. Recovery, life, steps, sponsorship, meetings, service and even my age make me change. My best experience of change was when I changed my spiritual focus of drugs, and places and people to NA and people in recovery. This was my best decision until today, but like everything I had also to give time to that process. I remember when I walked into NA doors I was still very focused on the people I left behind, was what I knew , was what I had had, and with time and I realized I wasn't missing those people anymore because today I had other people in my life, people in recovery I could relate to. Change for me is always a process like I said before, sometimes it's easy, but sometimes takes times because sometimes I have to change the way I think and see the reason about my believes, where my believes come from. Sometimes I resist changing because I am afraid of what I don't know and I can't control.
Unity is what I find in NA; A group of addicts together trying to live life without use of drugs; Unity when we help each other; Unity when we keep our meetings open; Unity when we carry the message; Unity, together we can what before we couldn't alone

Ivone V. From Portugal and member of Irving group Clean date 03/06/1998