Step 4

STEP 4

Since I have been in recovery I hear a lot about how scary step 4 is. I see people getting stuck on it because of this fear. In my opinion this is a contradiction because before step 4 we did step 3, and step 3 tells us we decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, and have faith and trust. This step prepares us for step 4. I don't see why step 4 can cause so much fear. What I see is step 4 is big, and I have to write more. But it's like it says: We made a deep search.
For me all the steps are about grieving. Step work is a way to grieve. When I do step 4 I write about myself and that gives me the opportunity to be aware of myself, and then I can have some wisdom to handle the world around me. Writing is a simple way to become aware. When I write in step four about resentments, secrets, etc I am getting rid of the garbage I carry in my heart and my soul and at the end I will be free because I will have more space in my heart and soul for love and compassion.
What matters is the honesty in recovery! I can do step work 10 times but if I am not honest in what I write what good I am going to take of it? When I decide to do step work I also decide I have to be honest. That is the key to [succeeding] in recovery. In my country Portugal we have a slang about it, we say: I hurt my leg, but if I complain about my arm, I will get help for my arm and not for my leg where I have the pain. This is my own opinion. Today I have a [choice] VOICE to agree or disagree, just that. Step 4 gives us the possibility to work through our past life and our present. Give us also the possibility to work through cross addictions we may have. This disease is so strong that once we are free from drug addiction it can take us to another compulsive behavior. If you look careful we are able to work on that in step 4 because step 4 explores the 7 mortal sins.
The step 4 is a spiritual journey to know ourselves in a deep level. Like it says in step 4, How And Why "…our disease involves more than simple abstinence from drugs!" Step 4 also advises us to share with others our reservations. Reservations are thoughts we have, and we don't tell anyone. Sometimes we don't tell because those thoughts occur fast in our minds and we just don't pay attention. Other times because [it] sounds ridiculous to us. I can guarantee you those thoughts are not ridiculous at all, they our unconscious trying to become conscious.
An inventory process is like I said before; a way to be aware of who I am. Once aware we can make more choices in our life and no more can we use words such as "I don't know why I did or said it", or "It was my disease". Yes, step 4 is also a process to stop blaming the others and the world and take us out from the most dangerous space named self pity. Some worry about reading the fourth step to their sponsors. [What will they think about us?]WHAT THEY MAY THINK ABOUT US? We fear the exposure, we fear we will look [like the sickest person on Earth] AS THE BIGGEST SICK IN WORLD. Well, let me tell you something, I believe we have very similar stories. [Have you ever heard a speaker and started wondering how they know your story or that they might even be talking about you?] Never happen to you when sometimes you are listen a speaker and you start wondering… how is know your story our even wondering if the speaker is talking about you????
That is the magic in NA! We are not alone! That's why this program works so well because in NA we find what we don't find anywhere; identification.
Step 4 is not a boogie man; it's spiritual because we will find relief by giving the possibility to someone to relate to us. We will find courage to share other things in our life and no more [will we see] we have to look at [ourselves as a failure or as a sick person] US AS A FAILURE OR A SICK. Because in this NA world we will find someone who can relate to us no matter what or how bad we think we were.In our case when we start using we cope with those feelings with [drugs] DRUGS/ALCOHOL (see clarity statement) and we make sure we have enough dope to not allow us to feel, so we didn't learn how to feel. Once we get clean all those hidden feelings show up and give us the sensation that they are too much, too strong. My experience tells me the feelings don't kill!!! I found out I can survive feelings and emotions. Naming the feelings is a way to learn and identify what we feel. [They are] IT also a way for some of us to stop using so many times the word FUCK, the word Fuck isn't a feeling!
The resentments are the number one enemy to our recovery. Normally the resentments take us to a place of anger and self pity and it's our nature to feed it if we don't share it. Share it!!! Get rid of the garbage! [Surrounding yourself with] SURROUND OF resentments, self pity, and anger is dangerous because we become hostile and depressed. The way we look to the people, places, and things can affect our recovery and the way we think about those can make us prisoners again. Prisoners of what we think and believe. The step 4 works in this part as a cable to set us free, when we write down the role we play in [our] THOSE resentment. That role play isn't to confront us but just to give us an opportunity to move on. Forgive doesn't mean forget! Forgive means, I choose not to live with those resentments and be free of that. Freedom means, being able to enjoy life.
Page 43 and 44 takes us to a place named childhood. I believe for most addicts this is the most important but also most painful part to write. I also know from my experience it's the most beautiful experience I've had. Why? Simple, because through this I found out about my fears. Why I had so many? I found why I had fear of failure, of success, abandonment/ rejection, intimacy, fear of loss, why when people joke with me I feel they are making fun of me, [etc…].
I found out that all of the garbage fed to me by my parents and others as a child became part of my disease. Facing that painful journey and becoming aware of it made me feel the most incredible feeling of freedom. I came to look at myself not as an alien but someone who had to relearn how to feel about myself and to relearn to look at myself as a worthy person.
Today I know I am a woman in recovery with value and worth, and with some success in recovery to tell about. The biggest success I have after 9 years is I am still clean and everyday it's a success! At page 45 in end says: "We look for the times when we made decisions that hurt us… we also look for those times we made bad decisions that worked out well" I usually say: " my bad and good decisions are my experience in recovery which give me the opportunity to give back". I can tell you what did or didn't work for me and like that help others to make their own decisions. The danger is not making a decision at all because that will make us feel anxious, confused, depressed, angry. Page 46/47 tells us the only way to get to a spiritual place is to write down those steps and be honest because like someone [once] said "the truth will set us free". Doing step work is like I said before a way to get rid of the "GARBAGE"; resentments, secrets, blame, shame, etc… will come out of us and after we have more space inside of us to fill and is when we are able to receive love, to feel compassion, to see how beautiful this life is and how lucky we are to be alive and free spiritual[ly]


Good luck in this journey! Be Cool!