Tens murtalhas?????!!!!!! olha agora!!!!!

quem eu? olha agora; claro que nao!
Entao hoje fui ao medico com a minha mae. Depois resolvi ser humilde e leva la a jantar.
Quando cheguei ao restaurante da minha rua, reparei que estavam la os meus vizinhos que tem mais ou menos a minha idade....
Aquele pessoal comecou a usar drogas ainda eu andava a beber leite, e depois passados uns anitos wu tambem comecei a usar.
Nunca usei com eles, mas usavamos.
Entretanto uns entraram em recuperacao, e outros contiuaram.... eu e outro entramos pelas salas de NA.
EDntao quando me viram comecaram se a rir, e eu tentei dizer ola e andar.
A rapariga veio ter comigo toda contente a dizer me ola.....
eu entrei e sentei me, e de repente ela vem ter comigo outra vez e pergunta " tens murtalhas?"
NAO! HELLOOOOOOOOOOO
Epa, fiquei parva com a pergunta, pois eles sabem que eu nao uso ha 11 anos.
Depois o meu vizinho que entrou pelas salas de NA ta agora a beber e a fumar charros.
Comecou a olhar para nos e disse " epa ainda me lembro de voces quando eram pequeninas, e agora olhem so as mulheres que ficaram.....
A rapariga virou se e disse " somos parecidas, nao somos?
O gajo disse " NAO! A Ivone tem muito jogo!
Entretanto eles decidiram comecar a falar de mim e a dizer que eu sempre tive muito jogo e era uma revolucionaria.
Ele virou se e disse " ainda me lembro de ti nas salas a dizer aos NA que eles nao percebiam nada do que estavam a dizer. Tu nunca te calas te, e e por isso que eu gosto de ti"
Entertanto a rapariga comecou a dizer que o ex namorado dela comecou andar com ela pensando que era comigo que andava, e que trocou se todo..........
uiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii que doenca!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
grande confusao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
conclusao desta historia..............
adictos a usar quando se encontram com adictos que nao estao a usar,surge uma conversa de malucos; pois os adictos a usar nao dizem coisa com coisa. O adicto que nao esta a usar, acha aquilo tudo muito estranho e fica lai apanhar bonecos, enquanto os outros acham que estam a fazer mutio sentido! LOL...IMAO...
ah, ah , ah, ah
tens murtalahs?
LOL
nope! I am a counselor. hello!!!!!!!!
ah, ah, ah
tavam muito contentes...sexo drogas e rock and roll......mas depois nao fazem sentido nenhum, e e so confusao naquelas cabecinhas.
Agora ha aqui uma coisa!!!!!............ o gajo enquanto esteve em NA tournou se ambicioso.
Ainda me lembro de que ele chegou as salas sem nada e partilhava que queria tirar a carta de pesados.
Durante esses 3 anos tirou a carta, arranjou uma namorada e juntou se.
A vida dele tornou se governada e orientada.
Desde que ele deixou as salas, a vida dele tornouse desgovernada.
Agora so que charros e subsidio de desemprego.
Passei a mensagem? ;)
pois e. pois claro! ;0

Enfermidade

Pois aqui vim eu para casa da minha que esta mentalmente doente. A reaccao dela nao foi boa, e eu liguei a um amigo meu e disse lhe que iria dar a minha mae como morta de forma a poder continuar com a minha vida.
Isto parece um pouco estupido, mas nao o e!
A minha mae nao quer ajuda, e eu nao posso tar aqui adiar a minha vida! Nao faz sentido. Daqui so recebo e sempre recebi dor. A minha mae passa a vida a chamar me nomes. No passado estes nomes, e esta dor era transformada em viganca...pensava eu
tinha uma famosa frase que era " ai e? entao ta bem, vou usar e assim vou justificar o que me dizes"
hoje em dia isso nao me faz sentido. O que me faz sentido e largar isto, e aceitar - game over!
Na minha rua esta tudo preocupado comigo, por causa de eu estar aqui. entao amanha vou dormir a casa de uma vizinha minha.......
Engracado, a terapeuta e uma sem abrigo agora.....
Tenho poder economico para ir para um hotel, mas o problema e os caes, ano os quero largar.
Hoje tava almocar com os meus amigos, e a Vera virou se para mim e disse que ja me conhece ha 11 anos e nunca soube como foi a minha realidade como crianca.
Eu partilhei sobre a minha infancia so ha bem pouco tempo numa reuniao.
O namorado dela tava a dizer que eu era forte porque era touro, e ela respondeu lhe que eu era uma sobrevivente.
E sou! continuo a sobreviver.
Ontem quando o meu avo estava a mentir me e a por me fora de casa dele, a dizer que era o condominio que nao queria os caes, e que o meu pai disse para eu ir para a minha mae, eu senti uma vonatde enorme de leh dizer que ele nao valia nada, pois tinha morto a minha avo com a porrada que lhe deu, e o meu pai que se cala se ou se ja se tinha esquecido que me molestou quando eu tinha 4 anos.....
Os ressentimentos vieram, e continuam poderosos. Sao legitimos, ams cabe a mim de alimentar los ou seguir em frente.
Isto nao vai mudar o que aconteceu. O que pode mudar sou eu, e continuar a crescer espiritualmente.
Ontem na reuniao tive o sentimento de admiracao por alguem.
Foi la partilhar um gajo da margem sul..... os gajos de la sao sempre bem bonitos.
Quando se esta numa convencao de NA, da para perceber quem sao os da margem sul, pelo estilo e tatuagens.
Eu sou uma pessoa que o meu director diz que quando a conversa nao me interessa, ou nao me faz sentido, que eu comeco a olhar para os lados, levanto me, tou sempre destraida.
O rapaz de ontem manteve me ali a olhar para ele fixamente.
As minha amigas estavam aos comentarios como ele era bonito......mas eu, nao! A onda era outra, e passo a explicar.
Quando eu partilhei disse lhe : olha vou te dizer uma coisa que se bem me lembro so o disse uma vez na vida, e olha que o que vou dizer e honesto porque eu acho sempre que sou melhor que os outros.......tu davas um excelente conselheiro! Nao sei se ja sabes isso, ams tens o perfil perfeito.
A maneira como flava, suavemente, sem fazer muitas expressoes, pousadamente, madura.....uma transmissao de serenidade.
Falando agoara do rapaz do cafe...... lol :)
Tive ai a tentar entende lo. Fiz as mesmas perguntas a diversas pessoas....resulatdo?
Tudo disse o mesmo....o gajo ate gosta de mim, MAS, eu transmito muita inseguranca, e sou muito manipuladora. O resulatdo disto e que o assustei, e afastei o.
Agora como nao o vou ver mais, sei que vai passar.
Hoje dizia ao meu amigo
"isto e uma estupidez tao grande!!!!! duas pessoas adultas com medo!!!!!
eu venho aqui para o ver, mas nao lhe digo...ele, vai ao meu blog para me ler!!!!
Dois adultos imaturos que procuram se um ao outro atraves de codigo morse!
Nenhum dos dois teve a coragem de dizer o que sente..e assim se passa pela vida, sem se ter a oportunidade de viver uma paixao........nao importa como acaba! importa sim como se a vai viver, e importa que se viva.
Entao agora ficamos com o orgulho, e secalhar ficamos contentes porque fomos orgulhosos e fortes, e provamos um ao outro que nao quebravamos...que lindo!
QUE ESTUPIDEZ! No fim o que vamos ficar e com a recordacao que um dia passou pela nossa vida alguem que nao gostava dos pickles nos hamburgers!
Eu acho o que me chatiou nesta historia foi ele passar a vida a dar me mensagens contradictorias....parecia uma cena bi polar ,lol
Se ele me desse uma mensagem clara, eu sei que mudaria a minha atitude com ele.
Nao aconteceu - fazia me sentir que me queria, e depois rejeitava me quando eu me aproximava.....esses sentimentos fez me voltar rapidamente a minha infancia e reagi a isso...... ele tornou se na minha mae.
Hoje ao almoco estavamos a falar de codependencia.....e eu pensei " ya, sou codependente, MAS, mudei a minha vida em favor dessa codependencia?
NAO!
Era para ter ido embora na semana passada......dei lhe mais uma semana para que ele me visse, me estuda se, me senti se..... chegou ao fim dessa semana ele nao me deu a mensagem, eu tive que ir, e largar isto.
Severa codependencia seria eu rejeitar o emprego, mudar me para ajuda, so para estar perto dele e em funcao dele - nahhhh I dont think so! nao aconteceu, nem podia.....porque? porque eu gosto dele, MAS gosto mais de mim ;)
Done

Depression

Lets talk about depression

Is still so easy for doctors to give anti depressives to people, right?
Lets look at depression and what is depression.
This is how I see it:
Depression for me is a process.
What is beyond depression? What doctors don’t see??
The feelings! No more, no less!
So someone goes to the doctor and says : I feel sad; or, I cant sleep; or I feel anxious, or I feel weak; or I feel empathy.
The doctor goes and gives anti depressives.
Now, lets talk about our wonderful jobs as counselors J
How do we answer to those complains….. Sad, anxious, weak, cant sleep… how?
We answer with the feelings…… hellooooooooooo
Depression is spiritual, when not treat becomes physical, emotional.
Depression is a consequence of several feelings, so, depression becomes secondary “ disease”
So if it is a consequence, what is the primary feeling?
Fear!
Frustration!
Lost of control!
Grieve!
But most FEAR!
Let me explain.
If you are someone who had a life, and had everything, and then you lost everything, what do you think you are going to feel??? What is about to happen????
Frustration, because the lost and then fear of rebuild everything.
Clients and people, normal have as human being “ resistant to change”
When you have to change you are going to find yourself in a space of not known.
You fear what you don’t know, because you cannot control what is going to happen next.
What fear brings? Anxiety!
You spend hours and hours trying to figure out a way to resolve your problems.
So what normal happens is the person thinks too much….once think too much comes out a huge picture of the future.
Let me explain in other way….if I sit here thinking about; I need a house, a boyfriend, a job, a family, money, a car…..that for me will be like this “ fuck this. this is too much!!!!!”
“ oh my God! I have a long way!!!!!!”
SPIRITUAL - the spirit gets tired just to think about all of that work that needs to be done - you get weak!
Physical you feel tired, no satisfaction, and is like “ fuck it”
Also you may have to start to have physical pain, as headaches.
EMOTIONAL - you go to a danger place, and that is feeling sorry about yourself. Once that happens you screw - you are going to become ungrateful!
Once you are ungrateful you don’t see the positive in your life.
So then the fear takes place. You had become a negative person.
Fear will bring severe anxiety. That anxiety will manifest in all what I wrote above.
So what is the solution?????
Easy - DISCIPLINE! And live just for today!
Like a baby needs to learn how to walk and talk, you will need to do one thing at time.
- make a list of fears that you have today
- make a list of things you are grateful for
- make a plan for a week, what you think you will do first
This takes time???
Oh yes, it will….but the key is not looking at that at all!
Keep yourself in the present!
don’t make the mistake to think about the past or the future.
Past will bring you the negative = frustration = depression
The future will bring you the fear = anxiety=depression
Stop talking about what you had, and talk about what you have now
What you had is gone - game over
What you have now is important because it is yours, belongs to you
If you don’t have nothing now, you may want to start to save money to buy a car.
That will bring you self-esteem because you find yourself building something again.
Then, when you have the car, start to go and find the job that you like
That will bring you self-esteem, because you find yourself doing something for you
Building your self-esteem back will reduce the anxiety. Why?
Because you will feel alive again.
You will feel a member productive, and that will give you self confidence.
Ok that is it
I hope I made sense, like always, lol

awareness

So here is one of the things that I wanted to tell you and I called “spiritual awareness”

I was driving to work (today) and I got a click.

I was thinking:

Why I sleep with men in the first date (not with all, of course, just the ones I am interesting or I feel attraction)

Normal people call it sabotage.

I meet a guy, and if I feel attraction, I sleep with him right way, even that I know that I am going to loose him after that.

So the click was:

I don’t let them know me because somehow I believe if they know me they are not like me, and then I won’t have sex with them.

Is like the book “once you know who I am, you are not going to like me”

This had become abnormal.

The last time I had sex with a guy he looked at me and he said: “you don’t want to know my name?”

Was very embarrassed. I even didn’t want to know his name.

Why?

Because I put nicknames on them….like …the bad boy guy, the maintenance guy; the crazy guy, the banker guy.

I don’t call them for their names; I use nicknames, like if they were objects.

Why? Why I am doing that?

I didn’t figure out that yet!

Other thing that surprises me a lot is the fact that several men had ask me “what are you looking for”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER!

I don’t know what to tell them, and I found myself in a stupid situation when that happens and I feel so ignorant and empty with anything to say.

What I am looking for?

Why I don’t connect with anyone in this country?

Is that because I may unconscious think that one day I am going back home, so why I won't connect?

Or is because unconscious I believe if I connect that will make me stay?

I know is something, because I also know that I am not crazy.

Maybe this is just a phase

sick like a dog and empthy

So here I am , can't breath again, sneezing all the time, weak like a dog.
So I am taking antibiotics from India, from the black market.
I had 2 horrible weeks at work, but I was able to tell my supervisor my feelings about it, and that was god because we end up the week been good to each other.
He end up the week giving me his chair, and I end up the week telling him how much I like him.
So what happened?
3 clients had decide to complain about me to a counselor. The counselor who is pist off about me decided to make a big deal, because was about me, and the supervisor decided to make the huge mistake to call them in and open the door for their complains, and give them the power.
Shit, if you want to open the door to a 3 clients that are complain about me, you may want to open the door to other 3 clients to ask about me!
3 clients are not all the unit!!!
I told my supervisor " you have full access to me, why you didnt call me in your office and ask me if was true?"
I found out later that one of the clients said i called her crazy - lie
I also told him " I have the right to get mad with you. you just need to give me space and let me get over it.
I also told him " you want to get ride of me, please do it! dont send me to anywhere, just buy me a fly ticket and send me home."
Then I found out that one of the slick and devious counselors had resin..... and then I laugh, of course, and I said " who was right? yeahhhh Miss Vale is after counselors right ( been sarcastic)
My supervisor told me that I need to stop making myself one of the clients, and be this " I am the counselor! I do not do mistakes"
nahhhhhhh, dont think so!
For me this is not about counselor, client. Is about building trust.
I am a role model on that unit. I am in 80% of their trading places on MRT
So I may not be so bad
yesterday I was home when I got a text message from my co worker saying that one of the clients wanted to abscond at 1am.
I called her and I said " where do you want to go??? shittttt!!! " she started laugh right way. I kept saying " look, you may want to wait for me and we abscond together, and go to Macdonals" - she laugh even hard
then she said " no, I am not going anywhere. I was frustrated"
I am sick like a dog, I am frustrated with my last 2 work weeks and I could just say " fuck it" and even dont call to work and talk with the client, right?
the pint of the this story -dont try to make me who I am not. dont try to make me perfect - I am much more fun like this!
They already have a facility full of " perfect counselors". lets have al least " 1 wild counselor"
I dont like the word " wild " too much.
My co worker yesterday told me that I am wild as hell, but I dont make crazy decisions. He said when I have to make a decision, I think a lot bout it.
He said that I am all what the clients want to become one day - like me
well, he is the second person who tells me that this month.
So what is my problem?????
insecure!!!!!
dont know if I keep being like I am or change like my supervisor wants, and become miserable at work, just to please him - that would be dishonest.
Anyway talking about goos stuff......
I am been talking with this friend of mine who is the owner of 2 treatment centers in Portugal.
He is my friend for since 1996.
We speak several times online, but in other day we was talking about counselors who decide to become counselors with less that 5 years in recovery.
The conversation end up me and him talking about education, and I sent him my certificates by email for him to see ---- was my ego, I know!!!! lol
I was expecting him to tell me " very good; I am proud of you"
dammmmmmmmmmm...... do you know what was his answer???????
I couldnt believe!!!!!!!
his answer was " OH MY GOD!!!! YOU ARE MORE CERTIFICATED THAN 98% OF THE COUNSELORS IN PORTUGAL"
My brain almost explode """"" so I am above of the 98%???? so I am more than qualified even as a CI in Portugal????
THANKS FOR SHARING!!!! lol
He said 98% take 28 days courses in Hazelden, lol

I am getting sick again

The flu is again in my body, I guess....so i HAVE A lot to write here, but my body just hurts...going to bed
I just want to make a greatful note for the intervention that my director did today on the unit...
thank u

aiiiiiiiiiiii what the hell is going on????

I can't believe this!!!! is everyone crazy?
what hell????

So I got this email from work where says that staff isn’t doing anything about clients behavior!!!!
OMG!
I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!!!
I have been reporting client’s behavior; I even gave the supervisor statements about sex games.
I was told to ignore because if I confront the situation the clients become aware and then will hide the sexual game.
I was told to let the clients run the unit to get them faster on house ban.
I was told that I was mean, and the clients on my shift are afraid to break the rules because they know they will be confronted.
So what I should do???
This just irritates me!
Where are the statements where I report the sex games?
Why one of the most dangerous clients on the unit is now the favorite?
Where are the emails I sent reporting everything on the unit?
Huh…… wondering
But now, what is really bothering the staff is the fact that the clients sang happy birthday to me…..
The unit is out of control. I see counselors avoiding conflict and go to the middle of the clients to find out what is going on.
I was told to let them run the unit, so I let it.
The clients they do what they want.
- They leave and go sleep to their rooms
- They forget people on the unit when they go to lunch
- They have sex games, all over
- They go outside without staff authorization
- They split staff
- They call bitches, whores to each other
- They sleep in group all the time
- They steal
- They give clothes to each other
- They wear make up - pencil make up
- They even use the staff restroom
- They argue with staff
- They are never ever in line on props or line up on the grey line
- Clients faking that they are sick
- The doors of their rooms are always close
So what else do they need more to put them in house ban?
their behavior is getting to staff.... all the unit is split, even staff.
we need to kick the structure again
One thing I know…..I have been reporting everything that goes on the unit.
I have been battle with that, and then come other staff to question my conduct, when what I am doing is confronting the behavior.
I don’t sit watch the war, I go to the war.
I don’t avoid conflict; I go to the field to investigate it
Whatever!
Fed up!

this was ridiculous

So last Wednesday at staff meeting I had become aware that I was circle up, lol
I have these visions and feelings that I don’t know how to explain it, what I know is, I have those.
When I arrived to the unit I felt negativity in the air. Heavy air, silence….
My co worker who does med call and group all the time at Wednesday decided for the first time not to do it.
Also for the first time she didn’t say “hey girl I have so much to tell you; these supervisors they are really stupid with no education”
The only “normal thing she did was, when listening the unit voice mail she made fun how the supervisor talks”
I saw 4 clients who speak at me all the time, acting weird. I saw guilty in their eyes.
But what that told me?
Told me that something was wrong. She had changed her habits!
Soon I found out why at the staff meeting.
Let me tell you first how I act in my life, and this already comes from a long time.
I had lost friends because of that…oh yes, I still remember, but one of the things I am faithful in the places I work.

The faithful comes telling the true all the time.
One day I was working in a company, and I was working with my friends. They have been my friends for 5 years.
They had decided to cheat on the boss and get vacations paid and don’t show up to work anymore. They lied just to get their money.
I lost my friends from 5 years because I reported them.
So that means I can love you but I will report you if you do something very wrong!
So this counselor had decided to steal cigarettes from the clients.
This fact is coming since I worked as a tech in other treatment center. At that time I worked with her and cigarettes were disappearing every day.
The clients reported to me and in staff meeting I said “the clients are saying that you stole cigarettes from them”
Silence………………….. Not a single word.
I didn’t hear “what?????” from her
I dint hear from the supervision “is that true?”
Just silence……………..
So I just let it go.
Next day a client tells me that the counselor called her in and told her:
“Look, you told on me when I gave you a cigarette, and I was just trying to help you”
The client said “but Miss, just asked me, and I had to say the true”
So the counselor closes the office door and reply:
“OK, I just want to let you know that I am going to deny it”
The client says: “so, you are let them think that I am a liar just because you are the counselor?”
ISN’T SAD?
YEAH it is!
So the issue with me was:
I am sarcastic and I made fun of the counselors
I threat people
I use vulgarity as “shit”
Sarcastic - yes I am! I make fun of everything, I make everything fun! I’m funny!
Threat people - I will circle you up if you don’t tell the true”
You wanna leave treatment, then leave, I am ready to make paper work”
If you start acting crazy I will send to core”
If you are sleeping in your room I will call abscond on you”
Vulgarity - yes! I say shit a lot! But, BUT, let me tell you something…the flip side of that is the clients feel comfortable in my groups to say : “ …because crack I had to suck a lot of dicks”
…. I am tired, fuck this…..”
They feel free to express themselves in every way possible. They let out!
See, they know I am the counselor, but they also know I am one of them who don’t try to use the counselor status to pretend that I am this big shit, very good, very perfect person!
They know how unperfected I am! But they also know that is possible to be imperfect and successfully in recovery…and have lots of fun!
The client even know every month that I am with PMS..I Tell them!
Why I tell them??????
Because they are women and I want them to become aware that PMS can be a huge trigger in early recovery…..if they learn how their body works, they will learn how to manage their moods alteration.
Of course I just share with them what I believe is going to help them.
They don’t know much more about me, because they keep saying “you must be, you must do, you seam wild, you appear…”
I allow clients to be who they are with me.
I have clients telling what men asking them to do sexual in order to get drugs. They feel free to share!
Anyway, going back to staff meeting….here I was on the spot for the second time.
Yep second time… when I was working on the cottage D, one counselor decided to gang up the clients on me with authorization with the same supervisor.
I already reported a lot of stuff about other clients, but I never, ever saw that supervisor confronting them…..NEVER saw it.
What I see is the counselors who reject him; he has a need to please them in order to get their acceptance.
Me? He has my full acceptance, so he patronizes me.
My supervisor doesn’t accept the fact I don’t have a sponsor, and I don’t do NA meetings. So that makes him treat me like if I was a client, or a kid.
Look…..I HAVE 11 YEARS IN RECOVERY!!!!
What that means?????
I had spend 8 years having a sponsor….. 9 years doing meetings everyday, and service work…. Hello!!!!!!!!!
I even organized a NA convention in 2000 and something.
Don’t fuck judge me for my last 3 years of 11 years!!!
If you tell me I need therapy, psychodrama…..I will agree right there!
Just pointing out…. I like him a lot, and I know he likes me also, but I don’t like when he acts out with me.
When I do a mistake he has this need to prove my director that I am not what my director thinks that I am.
I don’t know why he wants to prove him that????
Jalousies?
I dint figure out yet, and I don’t want too. Why???
Because my director has a high intelligence and he knows me more than everyone there.
He knows how far I am to become perfect!!!
He knows my weakness and my strengths because I share IT ALL with him.
He even knows the “bad / insane things I do in my life”
So the honesty kicks in and wins!
Why sometimes he so hard for help to see outside of the box???
Why he didn’t realized yet that I don’t need a sponsor because I have my mentor who I share everything and I get help, as in my personal life, and professional life. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, my supervisor didn’t get what he wanted for my director so he decided to do his little revenge and move one of my clients to another counselor.
Why that client?
Because he knew was my favorite client, so he tried to hurt me.
Didn’t hurt, because I was able to see how childish that was.
The client was very upset with that. He lies to the client.
He told the client” I am making you ready to go home, and that is why you are leaving Miss Vale caseload”
So this client just now got phase 4. He didn’t even ask her if her family took any classes, so how he is making her ready to go home????
Was a lie.
When I asked him why, he didn’t answer. So no one knows what the true reason was that client was taken from my caseload.
Why? Because is no reason! Was just to hurt me!
I told the client: “look, sometimes counselors they do mistakes. They are not perfect. This wasn’t about you. Was about me!
But let me tell you something; we have something that no one can destroy anymore….. We have trust! We had built a trust relationship with each other, and even if you are not my client that trust will stay!
See, I have favorite clients but I don’t get codependent or freak out.
I know the clients they came to my hands and one day I have to let them go.
I refuse to make clients hostages!
My ego doesn’t freak out when I loose a client.
Here is another reason why.
If you take a client from my caseload I will not be upset…WHY?
Simple, because I look to the all unit has MY CLIENTS!
I help everyone there!!!! I am there for everyone!!!! Not just for my caseload.
My caseload is just the people I have to do individual sessions, and paper work…just that….. They don’t belong to me!
I help all of them; I care about all of them. I am aware of all of them.
If the facility director walks in the unit one of these days and decides to ask me “tell me about the clients one by one” I will be able to give her all the information about each one.
So that why that didn’t affect me so much.
Going back to the topic, so here we have again for the second time 3 or 4 clients who have a resentment with me and my supervisor decides to make that a big thing like if is all the unit!!!!
See, in this field we need to be aware that we have clients that love us, but we also have clients that hate us, and so what???? What is the problem????
Let people choose to like us and hate us. They have that right!
Do you like everyone???? No you don’t! So why clients they need to be different???
Is because you are helping them????? So what?????
You have chosen to help clients without expectations!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!! Shit!
The unit was very upset with the gang up on me, and they shared that feeling Thursday at the morning meeting. Today they made me a surprise by taking me by surprise and sing happy birthday to me, and made me a Mickey Mouse pancake J with chocolate J
Was good!!!
At the end I heard a huge scream “we love you Miss Vale”
NOW, do you know what the sad true on this is?????
Do you know at the end what this tell us????
That counselors USE the resentments of the clients to gang up on the other counselors. They feed that resentment.
One of my clients that the other counselor hates came to me and told me that 1 pack of her cigarettes disappears.
I didn’t feed, or even spoke about the other counselor. I told her:
You wanna complain do it.
She wrote a grievance reporting missing 1 pack of cigarettes.
I just place the grievance in my supervisor box and I am going him to be the one to investigate it. I DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT!
Every time I do he thinks I am chasing counselors!!!! When what I am doing is reporting in order for them to become aware and be able to defend themselves.
Now, do I like investigation????
I love it!!!!!!!!!!
I love to search and think, and find out….I just loves it!!!!!!!!!!!
I would love to be a CSI!!!!!
No, I am not chasing counselors. I just don’t keep secrets with them!
I can love them; I can hate them but I DO NOT WORK FOR THEM!
I work for Wilmut!
If one day someone asks me to betray my director over money, position, lies, power, I WILL RESIN!
I am faithful to my director. Why? Because what he has done for me is bigger than lies, power, money, status, lies.
He believes in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.
He gives me his hand and stands me up, when I fall
He tells me to keep going when I want to give up
He sees in me what I even don’t see in myself
And because of that I will say the true and nothing but the true so help me God! lol

NOW............... what is better that an orgasm?????
at this time of my life, this is, lol

I just cried and cried watching my friends here

Disrespect at work place

Disrespect at work place
One crazy left, another came in, lol
Its so tired working with NA/AA sponsors playing counselors!
The good news is I just need to deal with it once a week.
These people don’t have any boundaries. They get too much attached to the clients, and they become clients rescue.
See, all of us have favorite’s clients, but get to the point to be their protector???? Come on now!
I came to realize that my favorite clients normally are the short ones. They are so little that they become cute, but I know how separate myself emotional from them. Today they are there, tomorrow they are gone.
But let me get to the point of the topic
So I have these 2 counselors who work together (thanks God, lol) that are so similar.
One thinks she is more qualified than my director, and supervisors and she thinks school degree is what matters. At the end she almost sent the “client that I don’t understand to jail” because her degree was too high to understand that client was mental hill and she would have to adapt to the client and not the client to adapt the counselor.
Then we have this other counselor who I call the “speed paranoid”
She drinks more coffee that you can imagine, and she wants to do everything that at the end she just does incomplete stuff. She confuses herself and others in seconds.
So last staff meeting I saw something that I really, really didn’t like it.
They both decided to disrespect my supervisor!!!!
What hell???? He is their supervisor!!!!
I just stand up, went to my office and close the door and was there by myself!
Who they think they are?
It’s sad!
I am waiting for the day that the big director one day snaps, and joins all of them them in a little room and tells them so some true….ohhhh she will snap, lol, sooner or later.
Me ? I am happy!
I work with the best person on that facility.
Someone complete different form me, and because of that I respect a lot.
The clients around us they have what I call a functional family.
They know that we like each other that we respect each other, and we make decisions together.
We even do groups together. We are a happy team together!
He is quite, I am wild, but we respect each other and we bring balance to the unit!
It’s cool!
I really don’t like see people disrespecting people that I like.
In this life we need to respect old people and our superiors all the time. I was raise like that!

Desire to change

so after my last post, when I decide to expose myself I made some decisions.
why I say expose myself???
It's easy for a human being to keep doing insanaty in secret, and that insane part just will get strong. Once exposed creats feelings of shame, and guilty due that expusure. Once I become emotional about it, I make decisions.
Being honest is my strongest weapon against insanaty.
today I decide to pay some more of the university, and now I am waiting for them to allow me to continue my lessons.
I didn't meet anyone in th elast 3 days, so I can say I am recovering
for now it's all

the counselor is now sick

I have been having the craziest days off ever!
So I am been thinking to come here and just let the world know how my dating bullshit is going on.
So at the beginning I really thought I was going to meet the one!
I thought would be quick, but wasn’t!
I started this dating with an open heart and now its close!
I believe I went back to my old me.
Anyway, so I met this beautiful Engeneer Indian guy who I liked. After 2 weeks I was breaking up with him.
I met another one who had become my friend and sometimes I call him, like once in a month to hang out with him.
The first time I was with him, I thought that probably we would become more than friends, but soon I realized that wasn’t possible, and since then I just call him when I want to go to his house.
Last time he had decided to give me therapy….and I came out of this house without even knows my name.
So, he decided to say the difference between me and Sharon stone and the movie basic instinct were NONE.
So I asked him if he was calling me sociopath. He said no, but, he said my only goal wasn’t to get a relationship but play sexual minded, and once I am in a mind of a man is game over for them.
They guy really believes that, because one day he asked if I was going to kill him, LOL
Oh my…..I have been hearing and experience the craziest shit in my life….
Moving on.
He had decided with the therapy to not let me stand up from the bed.
He said” wait, stay, and feel me”
What the fuck? I don’t want to feel u…I don’t want to feel shit!
He said I am a vampire, isn’t going to be a man that can control you ever.
lol, lol, really???? What’s new?
He says that I refuse to connect with someone. When I ask him why he said that he answer “because you just like to have sex in my balcony, when you know that I will be freaking out afraid to be seen by my neighbors.. You like to see fear in my eyes, and that isn’t normal. You have sex like a man does. You act like a man, you should be more feminine”
Ah! Who said I was normal?
My point is…..if I see he isn’t emotionally available why I should stay in bed with him????
To be living in illusion.
We argued, and I told him he was afraid of me, and to quite to try to make me fall for him, and then I was mean by telling him, I wouldn’t fall because I am already in his mind and that means game over for him. I will have him when I want 2.
I know, I shouldn’t have said that! But at this point I am already frustrated, and this is the signs that I believe I am going back to the old me.
I don’t want to be with him. He doesn’t want to be with me, but the true is we keep coming back to each other, and once we are together is passion!
See, is something going on between me and this guy I don’t understand. What I know is for some reason I decide to hurt me.
Before we was together we was texting each other back and forward, and I asked him how long he didn’t have sex.
He answer me “1 month ago”
Dam..was like a knife in my heart!
He asked me the same, but I didn't answer - I had a plan! I was going to hurt him back - but more that I got
Acting normal would be letting go, but I wanted him to feel what I felt so I told him to come and pick me up at that moment.
So I went through with my plan…..while we were having sex I asked him “so, do you still want to know when was the last time I had sex?”
He said “ yes”
My answer was “ yesterday!”
He went ice and he looked at me with a very open eyes “ are you serious? Are you telling me you had sex yesterday with another man?”
“yep”
And I started to laugh - really laughing
And then I asked “ what did you feel when I said that?”
Look it here….I know this is insane. I know this is sick, but something happen to me and I know I am acting crazy.
This is not the first time happens to me. The first time I was coming out of a bad relationship and I had loose a child and I decided to go to North of Portugal and I did the same. I was in my 6th year in recovery. Until today the NA people from the north of Portugal still don’t talk to me, so we can see for this how messy I was.
Now is true or not what I told him about having sex the night before?
Yes, was true!
I met this beautiful guy with piercing and he was really nice.
But for me he was a bad boy I was going to seduce just for fun.
For some reason I am hunting ego and power.
I left quick as I came in, and next day by IM on yahoo I told him to go fuck himself.
He said I was crazy…..who wouldn’t?
Next day I think why in the hell I told him to go fuck himself??? Why??? why????
I had this doctor/ scientist cancer research that wants to have a relationship with me.
I never had nothing with him, but here is a normal guy, usefully who wants to be my boyfriend and I said NO.
Go figure!
So now I went out with this guy - normal one- who is an account something, which is buying a house, and has a BMW Z4
Didn’t like him much because he is short like me, but we talk. He asked me a bunch of questions.
After 2 days I went out with him again and without asking he just kissed me.
I asked him “where that came from? That was weird!
He just laughs and said he didn’t know.
For some reason I was relaxed at the second date and I kept acting like a clown and he kept laughing. He told me that I am unique!
Really? What new?
I am ready to tell him I don’t want to see him ever again.
Why? I don’t know!
In other day I got an email from the crazy guy I lived with in Fort Worth asking me to come back to him.
?????????????/ What?????????????
After all this time he asks me to come back to him???? hello!
He decided to knock on my door without authorization.
When I open the door and I see was him, I couldn’t believe!!!!
“what are you doing here?”
He said I love you I want you back
My answer was” oh, I have bad news for you. The girl you met is gone…now this one is the old me. Doesn’t feel shit, doesn’t even care!
In his way home he got a flat tire and he called me to come and help him between Irving and Fort Worth.
My answer was” what? Call someone else. I don’t care if you are in the middle of the road”
He text me saying “ who are you? You really changed!”
Yep!
I did!
So, what is the point of my story.
I think I need help! Not sure yet!
Let’s see
So, my sex addiction is active
I am angry
I am destructive and suicidal
Ok then, I need help
Now, why? Why I am all of this? What happened? I need to know!
Why I went back to my old behavior?
Why I don’t care anymore?
Here is a video that shows me at this time
If I was too graphic I am sorry folks ….I just know one way to write - is telling everything!
I decide to not see my friend again
I decide to stay home this weekend
I am getting tired
soon I will stop all of this
I am so home sick
I need to go there, and be with my friends - I need a restart!

The client that I don’t understand - but I try!

The Client I Don’t Understand – But I Try! Like I said before, she’s no longer my client because she’s now taking psychiatric medication.So here’s what’s currently happening between the counselor and the client. This client struggles with serious mental health issues. Her drug of choice was ecstasy.She’s been seen by two different doctors, and each one gave her a completely different diagnosis.Why?Because this is a client who needs to be under observation in order to be properly diagnosed. Like I mentioned before, she can hold normal conversations, but when she’s alone, you can really see what’s going on.Her dynamic with her current counselor is not going well. She’s very paranoid.She refuses to hand in her assignments because she believes the counselor is destroying them to sabotage her.She claims the counselor has been following her since high school.Paranoia — a symptom of what??? Hello?! Last week, the counselor asked the team to be present during a session as witnesses.So the client came into the office, and what did I see? I saw a counselor and a client arguing.I heard the counselor say to the client:“Look, I’m the counselor! You are the client!” Come on… really? When she was still under my care, my mentor advised me:“Don’t push her. Try to understand her.”And that’s exactly what I did — and because of that, I earned her trust. During the meeting, I noticed that the counselor became upset because the client chose to speak to me instead of her.I just continued interacting with the client the way I was taught — with love, compassion, and understanding. So what’s the outcome now?They want to send a mentally ill woman — someone they don’t understand — to jail. This isn’t human.This is ego.This isn’t human! I’m heartbroken about this.She’s not a criminal — she’s mentally ill.

Counselors vs. predators

Counselors vs. predators

Well, lets stop using the word predators and lets define it.
Normally when you read this work what comes to your mind is chasing, after of.
Let me give to it another mean
Here what happens in this field sometimes.
Sometimes counselors make bad decisions, because their ego, and because they are not aware of themselves.
Once again I keep fighting for what I believe, and let me tell you what is:
“ if you never did treatment, please DO NOT be a counselor!”
At least make some therapy to be aware of yourself, and your limitations as a human being.
I have this collegue of my who had decided to play the seduce game with a client. Of course he lost!!!!
Is he a predator???? Can we call him that????
NO, we cant!
So lets call him what he really is - sex and love addict!!!
See, we come to work in the field of drug addiction, and you think what matters is been clean ( if u are an addict/ alcoholic)
You get yourself focus on a secondary problem, and you forget the primary.
We had become a sex and love addict before who used or drink!
You think that AA/NA will give you the power to be above of that, but doesn’t!
AA/NA just treats the secondary problem - drug addiction/ alcoholism
And here you coem to this field without be aware.
Me and my other collegue we spoke before that something was wrong with this cousnelor.
He was acting weird, very anxious, and he will desapear for 1 week, over and over again.
Why he desapear???
GAME OVER!
So here he comes, with a lot of clean time, and with a lot of years as coinselor thinking he could play the game without loosing it.
He starts to play the seducing game with one of our clients.
Of course she accepted the invention because she is in need at this time.
So what I said GAME OVER???
Because the client fell in love with the counsleor!
So now how he is going to resolve that????
He cant anymore! Its over!
So now he has a client who doesn’t accept rejection and kows that she can twist his world.
In his mind he promisses: I am going to end with this tomorrow!”
He tries, so why he doesn’t do it????
Because now he is afraid - he lost the control!
He has afraid that th eclient gets mad and tell the true, so he runs from work, calling in sick.
He has a contract with the client, and she now has the power to end with his career if she wants too.
He tried to manipulate me last week by saying “ oh I am so glad I am moving.. See in here its had for me to be a counselor because if I play with them they are going to think I want to sleep with them”
I thought” why in the hell you are telling me that???”
Now that I am writing, I am thinking that he maybe was asking for help.
But at that time I just thought: “ this doesn’t make sense! Since I am been here he already was moved like 4 times! He should be mad and feel used, and he is happy????? Something is wrong with this dude”
Yep, something was wrong! He had an opportunity to move away from the client.
The client also acted weird, and me and my collegue noticed that.
The client cried her eyes out when she found out she was getting 60 days extension.
Last week she found out that extension wasn’t going to be 60 days, and she was going home soon.
She reacted sad, with a lack of happiness!
Now we know! She is in love
This is what happens when 2 sex and love addicts meet - the status is over!
Is no longer the counselor and the client
Is just 2 broken children whom become emotional vampires, playing with fire!
Before you come to this field make those questions:
- what is my core issues?
- am I a sex addict?
- am I a love addict?
If yes, that means that ANY TIME, you can even play once!
Once you play - GAME OVER for you!
To be more clear - if you are a drug addict will you go to a dope house?
Will you play with an addict who is still using drugs?
Guess not!
So take this serious, and don’t be ignorant
My name is Ivone, I am an addict, and a sex and love addict - BUT I AM AWARE OF IT!
ARE you?

Get out of the office…move around please!!!!

Get out of the office…move around please!!!!
So today I arrived to work after my 3 days off. Once again the clients were screaming at each other, and just out of control.
Their out of control made the new CI quite her job in her first day.
I have been notice that something is wrong, but I never know what was. What I know is every Wednesday the clients are crazy.
Made me wonder how I left them OK at Saturday and how come Wednesday when I came back they are just acting out.
I look at their faces and they are exhausted, depress!!!!
So today I had a group about “negative garbage” and I decided to ask them what is going on.
They answer was:
“When you are not here this unit become a complete chaos, and everyone starts to do what they want.
When you are around this doesn’t happen because you bring us structure, and you treat us equal. “
My answer was: but you have more 3 counselors on duty, why are you saying that I am the only one who brings you structure???
“Because you are the only one who cares. When is a problem on the unit you go there and you tried to find out.
You talk with us and you go inside of our inner child”
So dear colleagues, what this is telling us???
Am I the best counselor in the universe????
NO I AM NOT!
What do I do?
I connect with clients.
My colleagues they spend their day inside of the office. Rarely do they come outside. They spend too much time on the computer, talking with each other, etc
This is what I do:
I start my work Wednesday, and right way I start to do individual sessions. At Thursday 5 pm I am done with individual sessions, and then Friday and Saturday I spent my time around the clients.
I sit with them, and I become one of them.
Become one of them????
Yes!
I just sit around and we talk about superficial stuff.
We talk, we play, we laugh, and we listen to music, and dance.
I am the counselor, I am the staff, but I also make myself leave the office and go meet the clients in a more deep way. The only way to do that is make myself one of them.
This is called - building trust.
See, when I am doing an individual session the client acts the way she thinks I want her to act.
She is nervous, anxious because she knows at that moment I am analyzing her. So I just get half of her.
When I am around them I get much more, because they are relax, so they give me much more information about them.
They also know when I am serious I am serious and they don’t play with me, or make me fool.
Normally at 8 am of the morning I sit with them in the morning meeting. Why?
Simple, to see how they are doing, what concerns they are going to bring.
I just choose to connect with them.
For them structure means they know what expect from me.
They know that I am going to make sure the rules and regulations are going to be follow, but they also know that I am going to have fun with them if everything is going ok.
I believe I am become what my mentor wish for me - the middle counselor - not too bad - not too good
I know isn’t “middle”, I know is another word that I just can’t remember now.
One of the things I am realizing is I am become for them a leader.
I am not trying to be pretentious, but how you explain all the counselors are in the office, and the clients when they have a question, a problem, a need, they just say my name, and they just ask me?????
So we are 5 counselors on the duty, and they come to the door and is always, Miss V. ( my name)
So here is my advice….. Connect with the clients.

Investigate what you need to investigate in order to bring the unit together and healthy.
Don’t let things go to far.
Don’t have favorites, and don’t protect your clients or hide information about your clients.
Show clients that you are also a human being.
Don’t split staff, even if you don’t like each other please come together and not dysfunctional. They already are coming back from a dysfunctional family, so they don’t need that again.
When you are about to have your days off, please, before you go relate with staff about everything you may think is important to tell. That will prepare the other staff who is coming in.
See what is going on in their world. Don’t make yourself better or low than them…
Equal!!!!

Yes you are a counselor….
No, you are not a client….
This is not about that, don’t take it personal….. Is all about - building trust!
Done ;)
And now stay with my baby....ADAM LAMBERT.

cuss or not cuss

Cuss or not cuss during counseling

Well, this is what I believe, and I do believe that sometimes cuss is away to get out anger.

So I have this client who is very afraid of staff.

During individual session she doesn’t look at me, because she fears me. She didn’t trust me, and she didn’t want to have anything to do with me.

It’s my job to find a way to connect the client with me. Is my job to make her safe enough in order for her to start to trust me.

Like always I found a way, lol

Her peers have been telling me that she cusses a lot, and I decided to use that weakness has strength.

Before that I had to find a way to make her mad, in order to give her material for her cuss.

She wanted to call her sister to get money for sodas, so I let her call.

Her sister told her she didn’t have money now, so the client decided to call on of her friends, to ask for money.

I told her to hang up the phone that she only needs to call her family to ask for money, and not her friends.

I saw her face getting red, but she didn’t say anything about it.

Was clear that she was mad, but once again she didn’t express it.

At that afternoon I was going to meet with my caseload.

I call my caseload and I decided to go out side and do caseload group.

I looked at her and I asked her:

- are you mad?

-no!

-why not?

-why not???? I don’t know.

- You are not mad because you don’t have money to buy sodas?

- Not too much, I just wanted a soda.

- So, if you could cuss out the system how that would be?

- What do you mean?

- I am inviting you react like you normal react to things, without consequences

- Really? Can I really say?

- Yes, you can

- so here it comes, fuck the system, fuck that shit, I just want a fuck doctor pepper, to drink in this fucking place…..she kept going and going on

The real one came out, and I was able to see hoe much anger this client has, and how she reacts to life, and her opinion about life.

At the end I asked her:

- You done?

- yes

- Nice to meet you

She laugh, and laugh, and she said how relief she was, and now she could process the desire to have sodas, at she could realize isn’t that important.

This is what I do, I allow clients to cuss, and be who they are.

Why?

Because I just can treat what I see.

I cannot treat what I don’t know, or see.

The CI is fucked!

The CI is fucked!
Here I am again in the same spot. My supervisor asked me today why I let this get me all the time.
I walk out to think about it, and I went back to the past, and I thought:
Several reasons; because I am Latina, and we don’t take BS, because I don’t do that, trying to harm a counselor just to get power.
So who I work with now????
I work with a very egocentric counselor. This counselor wants to please clients in order to get their approval.
She lies and deceives.
Yesterday I confront her about what she did to me and she right way started to talk about the hitter, and ask if the air condition was on.
I know she did that to have time to think. Then she denied everything. I was aware that she would.
But what really happen????
In the other day I was in group, and I thought that some of her clients are running from me, and don’t talk to me anymore like before.
I thought that was because their counselor forbidden them to talk to me, but I didn’t give too much attention to that. To be honest I had much more going on in my head that paying attention to that. I did wrong! I should have pay attention.
So it’s Friday and one of her clients walked into my office to tell me that her counselor is making questions about me, and what I do in my shift.
I know the client was being honest. I could feel, I could see.
This counselor told the supervision that I was meeting with this client.
When my supervisor asked me if I was meeting with the client I didn’t understand right way!!!!!
Meeting????
I asked: what do you mean?
Having individual sessions with the client.
Oh God! Individual session???? Over time???
I said: NO!
But what I do I talk with the client like I talk with all of them. I help all of them.
I am not possessed with clients. I will help who needs help.
So, I have this client at 6.30am crying, and crying, and what you want me to do???? Ignore?????
Can’t ignore!
It’s my responsibility to see what is going on and how can I help.
BUT, for this counselor that is making her feel rejected! For this counselor this means loosing control and power.
So we cannot talk with her caseload.
Sad isn’t? Very sad, very sad!
So when the clients get as a message that her caseload can’t talk with other clients, what do you think is going to be the real message??????
“ oh…… the staff doesn’t get along!!!!!! We can split them!!!!!!!”
I am here right now writing this and thinking:
Why God, why the supervision let this happen? why?”
I can’t understand. I can’t understand their point of view”
I told my supervisor “she is a bad person!”
Like I said before she denied and she said is clients to are trying to split staff.
Honesty, I know wasn’t the clients, but also honesty, I am tired of the drama, and she will denied until the end, I am going to let them think that were the clients.
So here I have a counselor who refuses and find ways to not do groups, because she is busy on gossip.
So today Saturday I arrived work and was in log on book “didn’t do groups”
My thought was: “oh God, again??? She didn’t do the two 16 groups???
So today when she arrived I asked her: witch group you want to do? You want to do the 2 hours family group or the yellow group?
Her answer was the same than last week “I can’t do any! I have 5 indv. Sessions to do!”
I was assertive and I told her that I couldn’t do the yellow group because I had one last indv. Session to do.
So here I go to do the 2 hours group.
Then she started saying that her last director from another company gave her email and phone number to her ex clients.
Fuck fuck and fuck…she lei again!!!! I know that she does that. I know she gives her phone number and email to the clients!
Then she started to tell me how they miss her in the other company, and they want her back, and how wonderful is the other company.
Then she keeps going saying that Cornell doesn’t have care and concern for the counselors and the other company has.
See, I have a problem with dishonesty.
What I am going to do?
Enough, I am going to shut down, simple as that.
Next week on staff meeting I even won’t say a word
Why? Simple I am exhausted!
I am tired!
I wish I could have a coworker who I had fun with to balance my day with clients
I wish I could have a coworker that would work as much as I do, and would respect me.
And at the end who gets fuck? The CI will.

The slick and devious counselor - more up front - the liar!

So in this field we have a bunch of liars working as counselors.
They are slicker than clients.
So let me start for what I am been learning and watching them do.
So we have this counselor on the cottage that her worry now is the paper work that is missing from the files. She sent emails almost everyday asking for that. For my part I already gave her what she asked for, but she kept sending emails to the other counselors.
Isn’t wrong what she is doing, isn’t wrong at all, and is just a contradiction!
This counselor sleeps in individual sessions and groups. She just passes out.
This counselor call sick a lot of times, and I know she is lying. She just doesn’t want get out of the bed.
So the only way to proof that she deserves to be there is showing them how good she is with paper work.
Then I have this counselor working with me who walks into the unit and says “it’s all good”, then she walks in the office and “it’s all bad”
She decided to spend her Wednesday gossiping with the other LCDC, because she doesn’t do her caseload like she is suppose to do. Then I don’t know what she does where a left, but I guess nothing because she is always late to do what she is suppose to do.
She is trying to make me do everything, and to do her groups. I refused Saturday, I snap.
Well after 1 year been abuse by different counselors I think is valid my snap.
When I arrive to this new unit I worked with the best counselors until the day she walked in to work there. My nightmare was back! I had a good few months and now I was fuck again.
I snap because I saw someone cross my boundaries again.
In other day I had to do a bunch of PO reports for other counselors because they didn’t make it, so my supervisor asked me to do it for them.
Now we have this ex. continue treatment care supervisor who is running unit D as a TC.
Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck is going on??????
Is this a circus?????? Or what????
Let me tell you how I work.
I arrive Wednesday and right way I start my individual session, and I do my caseload.
I really don’t give a shit about staff meeting because is all about gossiping anyway, so I decided to be there for a few moments and I go back to work.
I know the schedule and I know how many clients I have so I know exactly how many clients I have to see in order to follow the schedule. Even if I don’t want see the clients I know I have to be organizing and not procrastinate.
At 25 of each month I start to do my PO reports. Before the end of the month my supervisor already had them in his hands.
So this is all about time management, but some of them decide that this is all about use the CI, and spend time gossiping, or on the computer.
Some of them they just do what they want, and they don’t do what the company asks them to do.
This is very disrespectful, and becomes a circus.
This just brings problems. This kind of counselors makes the treatment center a circus.
We never know what is next.
Everyone should be working on the same page.

Dream, Dream

Dreams
Dream, dream with a better life! I never stop dreaming
Even when I was a child I would dream to see my father again.
I would dream to be adopted for a better family
I would dream that I may made a mistake in the hospital, and I was from another family
Then I started to dream I want to be someone, I wanted fit
So I started to dream I was a punk rock girl, so I join the punk population
Then I dream that I wanted to be this sexy heavy metal girl who stays in the streets with a bunch of guys and girls with a very long hair, wearing black clothes, so I join then
I dream that I wanted to be mean and not a good person, so I kept trying to be mean. My dream was if I get mean no one can hurt me again.
None of this cases I successes. Didn’t make sense, but I kept sticking with my dreams
When I was using drugs I had this dream that I wanted to have a normal life, and be clean. That dream was the most difficult dream to get, so I started to dream I wanted to die.
I decided that I didn’t want to dream anymore, so was when I started to become suicidal, I kept trying to kill myself, and people kept finding me passing out, and rescued me, and rush me to the hospital to make me live.
I still remember that paramedic who told me in the ambulance “please don’t die on me, you are so beautiful, stay with me”
Sir wherever you was, wherever you are, thank you! I am alive, and I had become a great woman.
I got clean, finally, and my dreams changed. I didn’t want to be the street girl anymore, I wanted to be independent. Didn’t know how to be, and how to start.
I just kept dreaming…one day I will be like this, like that
11 years ago I was in treatment and I had this BIG dream to become a counselor.
I remember at that time that dream was like unbeliever.
I remember I had a one with my counselor at that time and I told him “hey I want to be a counselor, but I think I won’t because I was a street girl”
My counselor at that time disclosure information about him, and he told me “… so I I had become, you will become a counselor…”
He supported my dream, and gave the strength I need it.
Because of this I have now this dream to find him and let him know that I had become a counselor. I didn’t realize that dream yet because I don’t know where he works, or if he is in Portugal or Italy. But I keep dreaming that one day I will find him, and I will let him know what that 26 years old girl had become.
Left treatment dreaming that I wanted to have a driver license, and a car. Got it!
Kept dreaming that I wanted to have a house. Got it!
Kept dreaming that I wanted a good job and lots of money. Got it!
5 years in recovery passed, and I wasn’t yet a counselor. But I kept saying “one day I will become a counselor, and I will be one of the best in the field”
Now I had 2 in 1, I still wanted to be a counselor, but now I wanted to be on of the best in the field.
9 years in recovery passed, and I wasn’t yet a counselor, but I was on my way.
Today I am about (March) to do 11 years in recovery and I am a counselor, and I believe I am good at that, don’t know if one of the best in he field, lo
So why I am writing all of this????
Simple; this is exactly the message I carry to my clients - dream, dream, dream
It’s hard to this population to tell them to dream, because they are stuck.
So I decided if they don’t look for their dreams, I will bring the dreams to them.
So this is what I am been doing, bringing the dreams to them. I show them the cool things in life, like countries, traveling, successfully woman, I work on their strengths skills and show them what they can do with their skills and how.
I make sure that they know where they are good at, and how that can make them successfully.
See, the point of be an addict in recovery means that we become one of the most intelligent people in the world, and one of the most creative, and one of the most successfully people.
That is a fact!
If you do a survey you will see that an addict had move vantages than a “normal person”
Why?
Simple; because during the use we got survival skills, and then once in recovery we use those survival skills, and we add the new learn of life.
Also because we are very sensitive people that make us to be ahead…. We feel more, we understand more, we see life more.
We are more aware of life because one day we almost die
We feel more because we spent years high don’t feel anything
We are ahead because we exercised our brain to find ways and means to get what we wanted
We are more sensitive because we can feel the pain of other people….we have been there, in that pain, we recognize, we have compassion.
In other day someone told me “be an addict isn’t good in any way”
I looked at him and I thought “I can’t date this person, because he is an ignorant”
Be an addict is be what you can never be - a toll of God
We were chosen to carry his message, but for you to carry that message you need to know what you are talking about, and that’s why works, because we did that, we have been there, so we know what we are talking about.
I feel your pain, because your pain was my pain
That’s why I need to keep to tell my clients to dream, because isn’t nothing wrong to be an addict, is all good, and they can take advantage of that!
Keep dreaming for a better life
Some call this law of attraction
I call it HOPE!

The client that I dont understand

The client that I don’t understand!
So last Wednesday at staff meeting the other counselors told me that this client is mental hill, because they saw her talking by herself and laughing, and be space out.
Hello!!! I am been saying that for awhile. Ecstasy was one of her drug of choices.
This client doesn’t want to have anything, I say it gain, anything to do with her peers.
The client doesn’t talk to them AT ALL! The client is always by herself, in silence.
The peers just let her alone, so I see this client of mine spending hours and days without talking with anyone. She was clear when she said that she doesn’t want to talk with them, she fears them.
So I kept thinking, and thinking what can I do.
I am been spending my days looking at the client and trying to figure out what to do with her, how to gain her trust, how to make her connect with her peers.
Finally, my brain started to work this week.
I FOUND A WAY!!!!!
Yes cap locks because I am very proud of me.
I decided to use client strengths!
I remind that she told me that she went to dance school, so I called her in and I told her:
“Look I have a job for you. You are going to teach your peers how to dance. You are going to organize a dance team, and then you are going to present that to the directors.
The client jumped from her chair, happy like I never saw.
She stands up goes to group and announces them that every Saturday morning she will be teaching dance class. Here what she said, lol :
Saturdays we are going to dance, is healthy, and will keep you exercised”
Then she goes around the room giving HI5 to all of them, lol
So today I brought the music she asked me, and I brought also Madonna video for them to see the dancers.
So from 6.30 am until 8.00 am they saw it, and then at 8 am I asked the client to come and teach the class.
She said: I need 5 minutes to prepare myself”
LOL
After 5 minutes she came and the class started.
She laughs with them, she spoke with them, she asked for their advice, what moves to do, she followed suggestions of them, and she kept laughing and laughing.
The entire unit was with her, helping her, watching her, clap, calling her name, supporting her in an amazing. They were happy to do something for this client.
At the end she came at me and just gave me this big hug that took me by surprise!!!!
Conclusion:
I found a way to make this client interact with other peers. To connect with them.
I found a way for her to feel alive, and happy again.
I really hope this will work
This came from a movie I saw where this guy went to a mental institute, and he spent his days making the other clients laughing.
He was also sick, but he chosen to make the other laugh. Then he left the mental hill hospital and he decided to become a doctor. As an intern he would make the patients laugh, with his jokes, and be a clown.
Patch Adams (film)
I am doing exactly the same with this client.
Isn’t the client who need to adaptated to me. It’s me who need to adaptated to the client.

Rape

Rape
We have this new client on the unit who came from the other unit. This client was a cheerleader, and she is very expressive and vain. The way she walks and talks is very sexual, and vain. Today in the group she shared that she was raped 5 times.
5 times?????!!!!!
She got my attention! 5 times????
Hum, 5 times, really, lets see what happen.
She started to sharing saying “ I was a victim “
Please don’t get me wrong on this, and yes she was a victim, but lets see the behavior.
I asked her to tell me what happen in those 5 times. I found out those 5 times was always at parties. So I started to picture the image of that client in a party. How she acted.
In my mind I saw her wearing very provocative sexy clothes, and dancing in a very sexual way. I picture that in my mind because is like that she moves in treatment. But I asked her how she acted in those parties. She told me exactly what I thought.
Now this is what I told her:
“ look, you go to a party that you don’t know half of the people. You go very sexy, to make sure that you are going to be in spotlight. You get high and you start to dance in a very sexual way, teasing them. Guys will be guys, but the dangerous is that you just need one, just one of those guys who is there and hates his mother, or was bad treat by his mother to rape you. For him you become his mother - the woman he hates; you just need that one of this guys will be at that party ready to proof that they have the control over you by raping you. I am telling this in order you start to protect yourself.
Next time you go to a party make sure you watch people, before you start to dance. See if is safe, and protect yourself. don’t go and tease because is dangerous. If you do that make sure you always be ahead of them, not them ahead of you. When you go and you put yourself out there like you do, you are taking an unnecessary risk.”
She then she told me that her life story was 35 pages, and she had the need to put out there and get relieve.
My answer was:
“ 35 pages or 100 pages doesn’t tell me anything. What I want to know is, did you write 35 pages just to get immediate relieve and get approval, or did you write 35 pages in order to do something different with your life?”
That is the point! I am writing this for what? What I really want from here?
See that is always the question I make when clients come with, 30, 50, 100 page sof life story.
No, no, doesn’t impress me.
\in other day I told a client: maybe should let you read my life stor and lets see who has the worse life story.
The point here is, if you had a past with drugs your life wasn’t very good at that time, and that is a fact! But what is your real intension? What is your motivation behind that?
Just to think about.
Well I guess I am writing 2 topics in here, but let me go back to the first one. The conclusion of the first one is simple - respect yourself in order to gain respect.
You act sexual, you will get sex
You act respectful, you will get respect.
Wow I cant believe I am talking like that, lol
Jesus, maybe I learn something. Finally!

I don't understand this client

So I have this new client that I don’t understand, or for the first time I feel that I am complete powerless.
I keep looking at this client from my desk and wondering “ who is she?, how I am going to help her? What’s wrong with her?”
So I am going to start for what I got so far.
So lets go to the beginning.
The client is a drug addict child. The client was abandoned by her father. Her father never had contact with her. Her mother is a drug addict who left her with her grandmother, and vanish for the earth.
So the client was raise by her grandmother, witch I don’t believe was the perfect role model.
The reason I say this is because I normally associate drug addiction with toxic parents. Was her grandmother toxic? I didn’t get it yet.
The client grows up looking for worthy. She was in hall of the fame at her school. They client hates drugs addicts - she hates her mother.
The mother shows up later in her life and decided to use drugs with the client. Normally when children decided to use drugs with their parents is because they are trying to find a way to be accepted by their parents. They are trying to get their love back.
Moving on…. The client has this boyfriend who had become her best friend.
She gets pregnant and he promises to marry her.
The child borns, and the father disappears.
Ok, so now lets analyze this, and lets see how traumatic this was.
The most important people in her life left. The client suffered lost 4 times.
First lost - her first love - her mother
Like I wrote before our first love is our parents. They will decided in the future how we are going to be capable of love.
She looses her mother to drugs.
She loosed her father.
Then when she had hope about having her own family she looses it again!
Her boyfriend leaves her.
The child born and she feel the feeling of lost again.
I explain; when someone has a child, will become depress because once the child is out, is again another lost. We cannot forget that a mother carries a child for 9 months, and then is taking away from her inside. This means lost!
I know I am writing in a very confuse way, but I am sick, and its hard for me to think.
This was a very traumatic experiences for the client. BUT, why I am lost on this???
isn’t that normal with addicts????
Yes it is! And here is what I don’t understand!
Let me write how she behaves on the unit. She doenst speak with anyone. She refuses! She doesn’t ask for help; she is in silence all day.
She talks by herself. When she is in my groups I make sure that I bring the parents topic up and I look at her. Once they started to talk about parents she is gone! She looks at the air, and she isn’t in that group anymore. Her body is, but her mind is gone.
I started working with this client, pushing, pressure, and she reacted in anger, complete crazy against me. every time I would do it she would break down crying, and tell me how her past is still hurting her.
So I don’t know very well what to do with this client.
If I leave her alone she will spend her treatment in silence saying that everything is ok.
If a push her she will show me her pain.
So I don’t know, I just don’t know!

Honesty

Honesty
Well, well, well, well
The thing that mores amazing me is counselors who lie to counselors! Is so amazing stupid but happens and I see that all the time.
So in other day we had a counselor who called saying that her tire was flat. Then she called back saying that she couldn’t start the car. LOL IMAO
Ridiculous… why they just don’t fuck say they don’t wan to come to work?
Anyway, my new reality with a new counselor on the unit………
Let me go back to the past before……..
I came to work on this unit and I thought I was in heaven. Everything was smooth and was going good.
I worked with a lady, who was very professional, quite, she never spoke much, or even engage on conversations with me, BUT, the way she acted, the way the conduct the unit made her a role model to me. un fortunely she left after awhile.
Then I started to work with this new guy. He is a new CI. When I look at him I say my mentor on him…. Lay back, don’t get involved in drama, takes everything easy, easy going, smooth.
I work well when I have people around me that are different of me. I need positive people to make me going.
He changed shift, because they switch a counselor from other unit to here.
Oh Godddddddddddddddd…my good days are over!
Her questions:
- why they are on house ban???? Why they do that to people???? How much longer they are going to that???? Isn’t fair!!! I do t agree!
- How long they are going to be on focus???? This isn’t going to help them!!!! I am going to end this focus!!!!
- My clients have changed so much since last week!!! They are doing much better!!!!
- Why the choir again??? They are setting them up for failuer!!!
- They don’t know what they are doing; some of the clients shouldn’t be here!!!
- This is not good…
- I don’t agree with this or that…
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck
I may be paying for my past or something. What the fuckkkkkkkkk
Stop fucking with me! Stop been negative! Stop talking to me!
I told my supervisor: “here what I decided to do; I am going to run from her”
And I am been doing that. I work with someone that I run all the time. When I see her coming in my direction, I run to other direction.
She gets me tired!
The other day she said: I am going to call Mr. Wilmut because I believe the clients they have the right to go on pass.
I told her that clients don’t go on pass when they are on focus.
She kept going trying to get my approval witch she isn’t going to get it.
Next she told that she was going to call the director to ask them to go on pass.
I had to tell her that she may want to call first the continue care supervisor, and if she doesn’t answer call the supervisor, and just in last case she would call the director. I even told her “maybe you should leave that to the treatment team decide on Wednesday”
She just ignores and she called the supervisor, and came to group and said” you are out of the focus now! We cannot go on pass but you are out of focus”
THE SAVIOR! THE UNIT E SAVIOR!
She didn’t call to the continue care supervisor because she has a problem with her.
I am been watching her and she doesn’t like her. I believe she wants her place.
See, they had become LCDC at the same time so this one didn’t accept the other one had become a supervisor.
I already saw her questioning the supervisor work, and today, today……….
The other slick and devious form the cottage likes to set up traps on the counselors, to make them look bad in order for her to look good.
So today she told to this counselor that she should give them an extra smoke break.
That one from the cottage already did that to the new counselor.
Was 1 pm when the clients came to pick up the cigarettes!!! And I said what are you doing???? She told me “I gave them an extra smoke break”
I said” NO. you cannot do that. That is changing the schedule, and the director already said that “we are not allowed to give extra smoke breaks because that is changing the schedule. Before you decided that you have to ask permission to the supervision.
Her answer “oh well, why they have that rule ???? it’s a reward!!! They want to take all the rewards? Go smoke, go smoke.
Oh God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is a director directive and we should follow
So the other snake from the cottage knows that why she kept tells to the counselors to give them an extra smoke break????
She acts on the unit as a savior of the sick people. She wants them to like her so muchhhh.
For me is very frustrated!
I am frustrated!
I am alone again, kinda
I don’t talk, I don’t let her know me at all, so I lost the fun I was having with the other counselor. He is also a CI and I know they cannot have 2 CIs working together.
What I want to tell her and I don’t:
“you don’t like how they do here go find another job”
“leave me alone, I am having a hard time with my personal life I don’t need more drama”
“you are a liar, and fake, and I don’t buy your bullshit”
“you are a NA/ AA sponsor…. You are not a counselor”
I work with someone who is against them, but in their front she acts she is with them.
I wonder when I leave what she says to the clients… I just wonder
I also keep wondering why my director sent her here to work with me. normally when he tells me something or does something where I am include is for a reason
I don’t know…..
Well my next blog I will talking about this new client I have who goes beyond my understanding.

Hey Mr. Judge or something from Dallas county… U must be crazy!

Hey Mr. Judge or something from Dallas county… U must be crazy!
So TC no more….
A few months ago the directors informed us that we are not TC anymore. The reason was because someone on Dallas County decided that, because we were creating bad feelings to the clients.
At that day I didn’t have any opinion, because for me TC was new at that time, and I remember I dint understand the concept of TC. I even didn’t agree much with that. But that was 1 year ago, I was new, inexperience. My background dint has anything to do with TC, so for me was going back to my back ground, and I was ok with that, I guess…
Nahhhhhhhhhh, not anymore!
Look at here, are you serious??? With this population??? No TC???
The guy who changed that he may need to come here and work with them for 3 months.
So we have a population WHO LEARN on jail how to come here and do time.
We have a population that learns in jail what to say to the counselors.
The new fashion is : “ I was molested”
God forgive me, if I am been mean, but I am getting my doubts on this.
Here is what I think…. Molestation isn’t a very open thing to talk about.
Molestation creates shame, and guilty, and I have this vision that someone molested would take awhile to talk about it.
doesn’t happen with this population. The first thing they tell me is they were molested!
Is that true? Some I believe. Others I believe they were taught in jail to get counselors sympathy.
They learn in jail to abscond through Parkland. They learn through jail how to get pills.
We work with a population that 99% are not going to be in recovery.
This population has only one goal…does time, and the guy says that TC is bad?
Maybe in his world!!!
Oh I am mad and frustrated!
I was trying to figure out why I am so unmotivated.
I am tired! The clients now are all over doing all kind the criminal behaviors.
No one helps anyone. No sense of discipline, and rules.
No sense of training and changing behaviors.
Oh well…
This is not about them is about me… I am in a phase that I may need help.
I look at the clients at indv. Session and I think: “ why u r talking with me pretending that u want to be in recovery???”
Is this normal what I think now???
Before I would believe everyone, and I would try, and try… now, I don’t want trust them at all.
What the fuck is going on with me???
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost forgot!!!!
I went to American Idol Wilmer once, and I had this huge feeling that something was wrong!!!!
What I saw? I saw a some of the clients singing, and looking at the guys for 2 seconds while singing. Hummmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a red light in my head… a big one!
So, once at the unit I started to asked them “ so, who is in love by now?”
They said: Miss Vale!!!!!! No one”
I said: right!
Last week or 2 weeks ago I saw a video of American idol. And what I see???
I see this black lady with 19 or something years old, singing Madonna!!!!!
Madonna!!!! And guess witch song??? “Crazy for you”
What?????????? What?????????????? Was she born when that song came out?
Why crazy for you from Madonna?
I thought: oh, she is in love” I said that lauder on the unit, and everyone laughs!
Today someone told me they were kissing during the trainings.
See once again, sex, drugs and rock and roll, and doing time.
They don’t get the concept of treatment.
In other day I asked to the new supervisor: do u think they are stupid, and dummy?”
Sometimes I get confuse!
I am sorry for my negativity, but something is going wrong in my head!
Or was the system, or was me who changed… I don’t know yet.

Making a balance

Making a balance
This year was very rich in experience; I even don’t know where to start.
I went through emotions, change, thoughts, meeting new people, disappointment, happy, insecure, oh well, I am a human being so like everyday I go through emotions.
So let me start for the beginning, and that means my job.
I walk there scare, barely spoke, but I had this huge desire to save life’s, and be known as one of the best counselors. I was told that I was a good counselor, and yes, I believe that I help to change some lives. At this moment I am going through a new phase in counseling.
I dont understand very well this phase, and what is happening. I am become more and more detached. Before I would go home and think about the clients. Today doesn’t happen. A client had become just a client. If I like it, noooo, I don’t!
I was more motivated when I was trying to save the world, lol
I am calming down. I still feel their pain, but isn’t like before.
I met my mentor, the one I chosen to call the mentor. Very grateful for that.
Why I choose him? Because he is very intelligent, and he is very different of me, so therefore had become a role model. Someone I want to be like.
Some people didn’t like that, and the envy kick in. funny because I can see that in their eyes, but they think that I can’t, or I don’t know.
I am grateful for my job, because I still love what I do, and they welcome me here very well.
He had become like a big brother, like a brother that every sister would like to have.
About my ex relationship.
Yeah, I met a few, but they had become overtime. Today I had become too intelligent to them. When I say that is because I meet men where I become ahead of them. They are too obvious. Lost children were what I met.
I keep looking for a brilliant man. Someone who will be a role model.
What I meet are people with broken hearts…. Broken children
Funny I met them after 15 days I got to go, lol
They just don’t make sense to me.
They don’t listen, because they keep telling me what they think I want to hear, and they forget that I am a counselor and I can find out what I need to know just looking at the way they talk, sit, walk, and behave.
I don’t bother too much about it like I did before, because today I really don’t care

Is still important to show the client I am right?
Is still important to proof them I am right?
Is still important to let them know that they cannot make fool of me, and I am ahead of them?
Nahhhhhhhhh. Is not any more!
For some reason isn’t!
Before I would chase them trying to proof I was right. I would be confronting them all the time, I would argue, I would trying to get others approval to make my point valid.
All of that was just a waste of energy. Client will keep doing what they do.
I am just a recovery cable. I am just the one who puts the seed. Is all I am. No more any less
I kind of miss my motivation, I was more energenetic. This new state kinda makes me sleepy, lol
I don’t know if this is normal, or I am become a bad counselor.
The clients keep saying that I should be a therapist, and go private because I am brilliant, so I am been still doing something right.
I changed units and I met nice and young people I work with. We work well together and also we have fun.
The dream interpretation girl relapsed after 3 days out of treatment.
More like her will come, and I will be here.
I miss my mother, and I have been asking to god to not let her die before I see her again.
She is been crying a lot on the phone saying that she misses me, and that breaks my heart.
I really need to go there, but is hard for me to let my dogs here.
I got bronquites, because the way I smoke. Now I have this new disease, because another addiction.
My mother yesterday told me for the first time that I was diagnosing with asthma when I was a child. Look at this, after 36 years is when she tells me that!
Anyway, is been hard to cure this stuff and because I was a heroin addict, I don’t have tolerance to physical pain..
Thank you all for reading me.
I hope this 2009 will make me a better person, and a better counselor.
I also wish stop smoking, and find a decent guy.
I want to see my mother, and my country.
I want my dogs keep healthy, and I want to keep everything I have.
I want to be clean, live and enjoy life without using drugs.