awareness

So here is one of the things that I wanted to tell you and I called “spiritual awareness”

I was driving to work (today) and I got a click.

I was thinking:

Why I sleep with men in the first date (not with all, of course, just the ones I am interesting or I feel attraction)

Normal people call it sabotage.

I meet a guy, and if I feel attraction, I sleep with him right way, even that I know that I am going to loose him after that.

So the click was:

I don’t let them know me because somehow I believe if they know me they are not like me, and then I won’t have sex with them.

Is like the book “once you know who I am, you are not going to like me”

This had become abnormal.

The last time I had sex with a guy he looked at me and he said: “you don’t want to know my name?”

Was very embarrassed. I even didn’t want to know his name.

Why?

Because I put nicknames on them….like …the bad boy guy, the maintenance guy; the crazy guy, the banker guy.

I don’t call them for their names; I use nicknames, like if they were objects.

Why? Why I am doing that?

I didn’t figure out that yet!

Other thing that surprises me a lot is the fact that several men had ask me “what are you looking for”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER!

I don’t know what to tell them, and I found myself in a stupid situation when that happens and I feel so ignorant and empty with anything to say.

What I am looking for?

Why I don’t connect with anyone in this country?

Is that because I may unconscious think that one day I am going back home, so why I won't connect?

Or is because unconscious I believe if I connect that will make me stay?

I know is something, because I also know that I am not crazy.

Maybe this is just a phase